Tuesday, December 31, 2002
I am in contact with Ian again. Naughty Jae. Bad boy! *slap*
Happy New Year everyone! Hope you have a good 2003. Work was slow, broken only by me hauling Lynda's bike down to her car (she won it in an Insurance Incentive) and then using some sort of electrical cable to fasten the boot. I hope she made it home safely!!
Am off up to Canterbury in a while. Need a bath as I smell.
OK this whole no sex/masturbation things is hard! (Oh curse my dirty mind) No really it is. No sooner have I said that than I text Ian/try and phone Stephen (does he ever answer..... nnnnnooooo).
*stands up in a room with a bunch of people sitting in a semi circle* "Hi there my name is jae, and I am a sexual complusive"
I Love Men.
For anyone confused by the whole MT thing..... he is a boy who I fancy more than anyone else ever. He makes my heart go boom! Among other things.
Monday, December 30, 2002
I have read through my most recent blog posts and realise something. I am making less sense than I have ever made before. The spelling is appalling. And the actual writing? Very poor quality. Not that it was anything t write home about before. But still, you get my drift.
So let us start again. I am Jae. You are my dear Constant Reader. Some of you have been reading this for quite a long time. So you know that I am insane (in a bad way).
Right I have decided to go without sex/porn/mastubation/dirty thoughts for as long as I can. I need to stop being so darn slutty! I feel this is possibly going to be more 40 minutes and 40 seconds than forty days and forty nights. But we shall see.
Ok going without porn may be a step too far.
And dirty thoughts. I wouldn't be me if I didn't stare, tongue hanging out, with drool hanging from my chin, at anything vaguely male. And hello who is the person who can turn anything into some piece of awful innuendo? Me! Yay! I am not good at it. But I do it anyway. (ah see I even think that sounds dirty)
Anyone notice, Brighton's West pier has fallen down (a little anyhow)?
the NYE party better be fun!
OK so my stalking has finally reached a peak. For about five years nearly I have fancied one boy above all others..... MT. But thanks to my job and the internet I know a lot more about him than I really should (address, email address, phone number...... see scary!). It is now at an unhealthy level. I don't know, but when I get depressed, fancying him makes me smile. It's an infatuation that allows me to continue to function. My warped little mind is using MT as a kind of life belt in this mental abyss it inhabits.
I need a hobby.
Work is really strange. Today I went into the break room and realised how much things had changed. Twas summer when I started. There were many people there who I really liked, who are gone now. I have made new friends to replace them. But it isn't the same. I hope in the new round of temp employment there are some interesting people. I am going slowly insane without them.
Oh last night after work was picked up by Zoe, laura, John and Pete and we went to the cinema where we saw Harry Potter. Yawn. I say JK Rowling should get harry addicted to crack. Would make it far more interesting.
Saturday, December 28, 2002
As you know, I really don't like about 99% of the human race. They are not the kind of people any sane person would want to meet. Most people are stupid, nasty, foolish, dangerous, and deeply, deeply in need of a good shot in the head.
Let us take a case in point. The Holocaust. This was carried out by ordinary people. The SS guards were just like any fool you see on the streets. They have no brain/principles. And even today these people are not only allowed to walk amoung us, they are praised. White Van Men are just a small step from being Nazis. I have known enough of em to know they are 1) stupid and 2) bigotted.
Why do I dwell on this? Because I fear these people. They threaten my way of life each and every day. See here. maybe it is my messed up mind, but really I want to go hide in a gay ghetto somewhere and never come back out. Most straight people confuse me and I really am unable to comprehend them.
Gay rights are nearly secured. But gay culture? We are still attacked on the street. People still use the old "I thought he fancied me so I killed him, doused him in petrol, throw him in a river and then danced on his grave" excuse to get off almost scot free in homophobic trials. How can we just sit around and say "Thing are getting better". On paper yes. In real life? No.
So I have decided. Whenever anyone asks me: Have you got a girlfriend? I won't say no, as I normally do. I'll say no, I have a boyfriend. When people are homophobic, I shan't sit back and silently curse them. I shall question them. Interrogate them. And if they hurt me? So what?!
Time to put my money where my mouth is.
As my life crumbles around my ears, I use the age old method of sticking my fingers in my ears and going "lalalalalalala", to remain sane.
Hi there everyone! I have a new computer. And printer. And digital camera. And loads of cool games. Woo!! So expect many more pics of me doing... stuff....... yay!!
Right have done many things recently...... went to Leas Club on Tuesday for present giving. I went to Zoe's on Xmas Eve to collect my presents that I had left there. Xmas Day I got lots of things including: a talking Woody from Toy Story (Zoe), a new DVD player (from the family), a Heather Nova CD (from Karen), a Will Young CD (Laura) and calender (Zoe). Even Zoe's parents bought me stuff!
Boxing Day, went over Zoe's for Boxing Day tea, then me, her, Jodie (Jody?), Russell and Pete went down Spoons where I terrified Russell (who knows MT) with my amazing stalking knowledge. Seems Ellie has already tried to bribe him into getting pictures of MT in the shower..... darn she is fast....
Stephen sent me a text (finally!) saying merry Christmas Sexy, which cheered me up!
Ok last years theme for this year was jay kay On The Run if my long term readers remember...... this year it shall be Security. I want emotional and financial security, and must do anything I can to achieve this. Oh and I shall stop being a slut.
Hope you had a lovely, fabtastic Xmas dear Constant Reader.
Monday, December 23, 2002
Ok so yes, my ability to stalk has been increased like never before thanks to this... muhahahaha! Tough on the outside, soft on the inside..... hehe...
I have also been a very naughty boy. Few details as present but should events turn interesting shall keep you up to speed. Naughty me.
Adam is 20 today!! happy Birthday!
Zoe and Pete visited me last night and we watched "40 Days and 40 Nights" and then "Fight Club". last time I tried to watch Fight Club was December last year, but I got distracted... cough.....
On Friday me and Zoe realised we were turning into the same person. Yesterday we realised Pete is also turning into us.... poor soul...
Thanks Princess Ari for making me a Sir.
Oh work was so dull. Why do people phone up for price enquiries at Christmas? Have they no lives? Stacey cheered me up by singing Little Donkey and launching Operation Steal Supervisors Sweets. Everyone talked about cats at lunch (I didn't start it! Honest!) and poor Cheryl hates em, so stuck her fingers in her ears and went "lalalalalala".... v. amusing!
Sunday, December 22, 2002
I feel less Christmassy than ever. Even less than last year. And last year I didn't feel Christmassy at all. Stephen doesn't reply to my messages. I am stuck alone (family is on a tour of Medway collecting and giving presents to far distant relatives) in a village, on a posh estate filled with ignorant arses. Scooby is still missing, will have to start a poster campaign.
My wages have not come through due to "unexpected technical difficulties" at my bank.
But worst of all I have betrayed my principles, which I formed in January..... not to become like everyone else. I have become stuck in debt, trapped in some wasteland of faux emotion and prejudice. I have some how managed to steal my dreams away from myself by being stupid. I live among the scum I hoped to get away from (that is 99% of the British population, 99.9% of world popualtion).
This is what happens when the only person in charge of my destiny is me. God and religion is all a lie.
Maybe An Angel - Heather Nova (no Karen I haven't opened the pressie yet!)
I put my hands where your wings should be,
I put my feet where the earth should be
And I can't see very far
And when you said that you were dead I hung on
Something I feel,
You are an angel, or maybe you could've been
Something out here
You are an angel or maybe you could've been
I've got this light hangs over me
I've got this fear cuts into me
And I can't see very far
And when you said that you were dead I hung on
Something I feel
You are an angel, or maybe you could've been
Something out here
You are an angel or maybe you could've been
See how they run
And nobody said you would go
See how they fall
And I can't see very far
And when you said you were dead I hung on
Something I feel
You are an angel, or maybe you could've been
Something out here
You are an angel or maybe you could've been
See how they run
See how they run
All the same, all the same
Something out here
You are an angel
Saturday, December 21, 2002
OK updates first. I went out with Zoe on Thursday, we had hoped the others who were back from uni would come out too. But they all had far more exciting plans. So we went to Spoons, had a meal, went to mcDonalds and had a Chocolate Orange McFlurry (rating 5/10) and then went to the Leas Club where there was an absimal DJ on.
Yesterday most people came out. Couldn't get hold of Adam (bad reception?). There was me, Zoe, Pete (yay!), Sam, Elliot, John, Laura, Sophie, Kim, Claire, and even Paul Lowe. We went to Spoons and talked, a lot. Tom Quaye came over and asked me who was the captain o my baseball team, as I bat for "the wrong side". Tut...... please note it should read other side not wrong side.... he is obviously a repressive. Poor lad.
Karen I just got home and you gift was waiting for me!! yay!! Thank you! Shall unwrap it at Christmas (because I am a good boy!).
OK shall phone Ste (formerly Stephen) and see if he wants to visit. I miss him. Oh and I am incredibly horny (to point of public embarassment) so something must be done!
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
OK. This week has been shit. I feel exactly as I felt last December. This is not a good thing, I can assure you.
But I got in from work today, and went on the web, and a act of sheer kindness warmed my heart, and made me smile. Someone has bought me something from my wish list. Own up (and I have a very good suspicion who you are!). I want to buy you something (please note money will be available for this purpose in january.) Oh and it was Heather Nova's best album.... with Maybe An Angel on it which makes me cry. (In a good way!) Thank you!
Right Tony has had enough of my ickle babies and thrown them out. I haven't seen Scooby in days. Millie is most upset by the whole arrangement, but manages to sneak a very quick snuggle and nap on my bed before she gets discovered every so often. He wants to get rid of them.Why? Because they have "ruined" a piece of carpet ruffly the size of my hand. He is ssssooooo shallow. Millie has been in this family 8 1/2 years, and I think she is worth more to us than a stupid piece of disgusting biege carpet (CHEAP!) and possibly him.
On a similar note he grabbed my mum during an argument today (please note she went through a highly abusive marriage, where she was beaten often in front of me as a small child) and she went mad. He had been say "I am warning you". When she fought back with avengence he goes "I can't believe you don't trust me. What did you think I was going to do?" Please note: He is molto dumb. Hello! Do you go up to a victim of theft, nick their watch then get annoyed when they get slightly defensive? NO! Millie is way ahead evolutionary as well it seems.
I am very, very down today. Scooby is missing again. I am stuck in this house. I am miles from everywhere. I am putting on weight as everywhere is only reachable by being dead lazy. I miss walking to places.
One day something will change. But whether I can put up with this till then? Good question. Funny how a couple of years ago I thought I had such a great time. Sex, drugs (caffeiene) and rock and roll (shaven haven).
I really am going to have to go to the doctors again.
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
As asked for by Karen here is my Wish List
Last night an alarm went off at the Augusta Hotel in Folkestone. Mum was in charge of it so we had to go down and sort it out. It was abandoned on the 22nd October and as we went in it looked exactly as it would have that morning. Papers were still in their racks, teas and coffees festered on the bar. The reception was as it would have been as I sat behind it and waited for mum to return from switching off the fire alarm. Abandoned hotels are dead spooky. This was my third and they really do give me the willies.
Later on I went out with Sam and Adam (freshly returned from university) to Cineworld and saw Deathwatch. What this film really should have been called is "The Hole 2: The Trench". It was that awful (The Hole is the worst movie I have ever seen). What was it's point? Did the director really think he was being clever? Tut. Waste of a good muddy field.
Mmmmm....... mud...... soldiers.....
I am sssssoooooo horny today. Hello, it's been a few weeks without sex, I am like dying here. I have decided next shag is going to need to be far closer to my age. I am sick of older men. When is Stephen home?
I am in deep financial shit all over again. Merry fucking xmas.
I got a card today. It was from someone I used to write to. It sent me off down memory lane to how things were when I was 16. I had no boyfriends to worry about. Melly was still alive. I was leading a deeply exciting double life. Me, mum and the twins lived alone, although the twins stayed with Tony every other weekend and every Wednesday. Mum would often leave me alone those weekends and so I got up to all sorts of mischief, ;o), I used to hang out with mums mates, go to gigs of Shaven Haven, I used to smile.... shock! No worries. No committments. No work.
Dreams really don't come true.
Monday, December 16, 2002
Hehe...... Sam came round and got me and we took his dog Josie for a walk through Saltwood.... hehe..... and we came to a kind of valley.
Here there was a groove in the valley side where Josie runs up and down in pursuit of sticks. The side is about oh 25 feet high, and about 85 degrees, so really quite formidable.... hehe.....
Josie dropped one of the sticks about a foot from the edge. We couldn't reach it. I advise Sam not to bother trying. He had other ideas..... hehe....
Climbing over the fence at the top and attaching Josie's lead to it to give him a safety rope of a sort, he abseiled stylee in effort to reach it..... the clasp, erm, unclasped...... and Sam slid, in a comic fashion down the side at about oh 70 mphs...... hehe.......was most amusing..... when he returned to the top via a side path he was a caked in mud...hehe...
OK then got home and Zoe came round and we watched About A Boy which, despite me snobby reprehension, I LOVED. Then we watched a new Poirot.... this smelt.....
Work was ok today... got big compliment from Help Desk..... "Jason we get worried when you come up here." "Why?" "Because you know your stuff so when you come up for our help the problem must be bad" Awwww..... shucks you guys!
Sunday, December 15, 2002
It is the weekend after all, and I am like the only blogger who updates, or reads, on a Sunday. Happy Birthday to Mum who is 29 and 7 today.
I am so frustrated today. I feel trapped. Whereas back in Folkestone I could go for a wander if I got too stressed in the house, I have no escape any long. But what really is getting me down is because I can no longer walk anywhere I getting fatter!! :o( This is not helping my mood. I used to walk everywhere, but now have no where to walk to.....
Tony just asked me for the rent money.... I don't think I have that much....
I really can't be fucked with any of this any longer..... I get a job as asked, and then they frigging move us away, and tell me I should get a new job. I start to pay my debts off so they put my rent up. I make "nice" i.e straight friends for once, which pleases them, and they place me in a small isolated village where the average age is about 60 and Adam will be here for only like a few weeks.
No social life this week. I can't afford it. Nor next week, have to buy remaining Xmas presents so can't afford to.....
My Christmas cheer bubble just burst again.... This will be my third unhappy Xmas.... Last year I tried to kill myself.... can't wait for the next exciting chapter....
Saturday, December 14, 2002
Firstly the good stuff:went out with Zoe last night, went down Gee's 'twas packed so moved on to 'Spoons where we stumbled up a drunken Rob and not so drunk Arron, which was great. Then Ellie and Annie joined us which was also great! Had a nice time. On way home got fish and chips at Riviera, saw *drum roll* Mr Lambert and Josie... aaaahhhh evil!! Then we picked up David and I went home (thanks for being my inexpensive (i.e. free) taxi Zoe, I wuv you!).
First rant..... why do men put pictures of their cocks on gaydar profiles? What possesses them? Are they mad?
Second rant: Don't you just hate boring people who worry about pop ups and spam? Hello! Get a life and stop worrying! Tony has just installed a rather nifty thing that doesn't let me view my comments without turning the program off....... grrrrr......
Third rant: Ahh... I feel so flippng isolated here in Lympne that I am ranting more than usual..... I am ranting about ranting..... help!
PS is Adam home yet?
Friday, December 13, 2002
So I headed for work yesterday, just a tad worried about how I was going to get home. Talked to Lisa, one the of the not so sacked temps, about our prospects. Both of us agreed that it looked like we would be working over Christmas. Please note first lucky thing of the day...... I got two Star Bars free from the vending machine..... RESULT!
At the end of work I got a taxi to the East Cliff Pavillion (ah...... £7!) and was luckily in plenty of time for the start of the party, although still in my work clothes! The meal was delicious, we all sat in our teams, with Lynn joining our table. Me and her talked about everyone on my training team. I managed to nick Jenny's Death by Chocolate.... mmmm.....
The music was... well cheesy barely describes the true horror..... Fiona turns out to be quite the dancer tho! Cheryl came over and goes.... "are you gay?". "Yes". "You know I wouldn't have thought it, but Jenny said you were." Then she told me how her good friends are Brian from Big Brother and Graham Norton, and that she was out down G.A.Y. with Brian just last Saturday. She is thus now christened Queen Of The Gays.
Found Stacey at the bar, shock!, and she was dressed up to the nines.... I really should of made an effort....
Jackie (N, there are 3 in my team!) sat next to me and asked, "have you got a girlfriend?" "No, I haven't got a GIRLfriend" I hint. "Why not?!" she asked incredously...... "Because I am gay".
Now as soon as I said that she became my best mate, and within minutes we were doing the Time Warp ("Just a jump to your left, and a step to your rrrriiiiiggghhhtttttt"). :o)
Hmmm...... I have a suspicion I am not being sacked from Eurotunnel.... had a few hints from several different people. Mainly because Fiona kept asking people WHY would they be laying me off, she is a darling, and they kept going, erm, I don't really think we are laying him off......
Afterwards I wandered into town, bemoaning how this wasn't really my home town anymore. :o( Got some money out (second lucky thing, money in my account is rare) then found £4 quid in a phone box (really lucky, I made 800% back on what I spent on a call...yay!). Phoned a taxi.... I will not speak of how much the taxi home cost.... but ouch.... my wallet hurts!
Anyway..... I had one of the best times I have had in a while last night...... really fun!
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Or I just have a really horrible cold. I can barely speak (shall be fun today at work!) and my nose has become a snot faucet.
OK so yesterday a package come for me. It was clothes. The ones that High and Mighty had said wouldn't come. That is why I have no money!! They have taken it out of me account! Buggers! So I now have even more new clothes (don't worry shall still only wear jeans and my "r u big enough?" t-shirt.
Yesterday when I told mum, Jenny at work had bought me a Kylie calender for Christmas, Mum goes "That's nice, she is a gay icon after all." Could this be a breakthrough? Doubtful.
Nearly died of boredom at work yesterday. If another person says something like "Can I go on the, erm, Eurotrain thingy, today to, erm, Belgium, from Felixstowe?" I shall scream and scream until I make myself sick.
I have just 25 pounds to get me through the day. This must include 1) taxi to work £8, 2) my works Xmas party and 3) a taxi home (£15+). Oh and please note I don't finish work till after the start of the party. FUN!
Still NOT sacked! What is the problem...... don't tell me they want me to work over Christmas? Evil..... Eeeevvvvvviiiillllll......
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Ok so I haven't yet. But while I was in a briefing about ET Motoring Holidays, all the other temps did. I haven't seen Stacey yet so I don't know if she did. They all have until the 20th and then they are out. I will have to speak with the Temp boss to find out about me, he comes round today. Erm..... I don't know his name (I have been working there for so long they have gone through too Temp bosses!). So for now Old Father Temp struggles on.
The customers were really dumb yesterday case in point:
"Good morning, ET reservations, Jason speaking, how may I help you?"
"Give me a price" No hello, or good morning.
"Certainly, do you have our discount card?"
"Yes now give me a price."
"OK what vehicle do you want to take?"
"JUST GIVE ME A PRICE!"
"How long do you want to go for?"
"What don't you understand you fucking idiot! I want a price! You are frigging useless......." slams phone down.
Hmmm... I was tempted to say "Well loo roll is just £1.99 down Safeway." But I decided to be nice. I mean how dumb!! If you want a price, you need to tell us what frigging product you want first!! Hello!! This is why I support eradicating the human race from this planet.... we are all dumb, and I am amazed we have made it this far.
*gets his rifle out again* Time for a little "ethical" cleansing..... all dumb, unpleasant people please step forward.......
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
How could I be......
Ok so I haven't done a quiz in a while, and I saw this one over at Somagod and I could't resist. But this solves my problem, I can now name Stacey three care bears, YAY! I just hope she remembers the quiz we were doing....
OK so I have no money till Friday thanks to my deeply disturbing and out of character clothes buying spree..... and I have to get to work, buy a present for Jackie at work, and buy me daily "hit" of Pepsi Max...... oh I am sure I will find a way...... (see my Cheer Bear optimism in full force!)
Have a good day... I am off for a chuckalicious late shift........ yay..... wait this is crap..... oh....
Monday, December 09, 2002
I have noticed something through conversations I have had on the net and in real life. Gay men are really becoming way too normal. This is not a good thing! When I say normal I am not talking about being mentally stable and having an ordinary life. I am talking about being sexually repressed and mentally messed up like our heterosexual brothers and sisters. (I am sure lesbians are the only stable human beings).
I will take a case in point (and I saw this in an article in Attitude, by Will Self., as well so I must at least be on somebodies wavelength here). Almost every gay man has been asked the question, usually by drunken friends/work collegues, "Do you give, or recieve?" NO this is not about Christmas presents!! If someone asked me this question I could answer either way, both or neither depending on my mood. It isn't something set in stone.
Yet some gay men are suffering from self-hating stereotyping... to give is to be good, as it is "masculine", while to recieve is bad as it is "feminine". What a load of shite! If you are a man, you are masculine. What ever you do cannot take away from that essential truth. Of course transsexuals are different, mentally they are a female, thus of course things get slightly confuzzling!! But if you are an ordinary man getting fucked will not take away from your essential manliness. Some philosopher said the same thing about trees, Sam help me with the name! And some gay men are supporting the idea that in all gay relationships you have the masculine and the feminine. This is only going to confuse the ickle idiot Hitlers who read the Daily Mail and the Sun.
But it isn't just sexually that gay men are becoming boring, it's socially too. Instead of using the new found freedoms we have recieved over the last 30 odd years, to create a unique sexual and social grouping, most gay men simply want to copy the hetrosexuals way of life. How dull! Gay marriage is a silly idea. I agree all long term partnerships deserve equal legal rights. Just the concept of marriage is socially hetrosexual, slighty aging and definetly well passed its use by date.
We are allowing ourselves to be assimilated. Assimilation equals the end of innovation and progress. And by allowing ourselves to conform, we are further alienating those gay men, be they camp, into s and m, or just quirky. And we are leaving them open to "legitimate" homophobia. Straight people may support those gay men who fall into the "masculine/feminine" arrangement described above but what of the rest of us?
You see hetrosexuals will only ever supports us up to a point. It is rare to find those who support true freedom for any sexual minority. We must stick together and fight together for our freedom, our own identity, and final control over our destiny.
P.S. went down Gee's with Zoe last night.
Sunday, December 08, 2002
It would seem I haven't broken up with Stephen. He has been ignoring my text as he has had no money to get credit, and wasn't contacting me as he thought I'd worry about that. Well.. d'uh!! Oh course I worry. That is what boyfriends are for, to worry about and take care of. Tut!! So he led me to feel that we had broken up rather than ask for my help. Then he tells me after a major shopping spree, where I am in no position to lend any aid. But anyway.. yay! I have a boyfriend!! Still....
Anyhew, as he would say, I went out last night to the leas Club, saw Ellie but she didn't see me, although I called. I stared consistently at the extremely cute new glass collector, as sexy bouncer must have left.... :o(
After that we headed to Blockbusters as it was so boring, where Sam meet us straight from his radio gig (catch him on meancountry.com every Saturday afternoon!) but left immediately as he didn't want to watch a movie. We got Goldmember, which was hilarious, than Zoe gave me a lift home, via picking up her very naughty brother who had stranded himslf round his girlfriends house.... naughty naughty!! Zoe was suitably big sisterish, deeply annoyed but still willingly to go pick him up (reluctantly!)
Oh, then late at night/early morning a certain missy..... (Laura!) phoned me up while drunk (I could tell she was drunk as she said her and her Steve were discussing how sexy I was, they must have been blinded). Oh it was great to hear from her!!!
Saturday, December 07, 2002
So last night Zoe came and rescued me from my deep grumpiness, and took me to the cinema to watch Harry Potter and the Chamber Of Secrets. It was quite good, although I have to say Malfoy (is that how you spell it? Sorry didn't read the books) reminds me so much of Luke, my former step brother.
It is really, really cold. Just thought I'd tell you that. And Scooby is still missing. I hope he is okay. Probably over at the zoo, rhino hunting.
Today I awoke early, and me and mum headed for Snodland, the second time is a month, and picked up nan. We headed for Croydon, and more importantly, High And Mighty. I managed to spend £200 on clothes (where did this amount of money come from?) despite hating shopping!! Oh well. More clothes shopping still to come! Got some jeans (quelle suprise!), a snazzy blue t-shirt, a blue shirt for work, and a new coat. But my fav thing is my new hoody.... yay!!
Oh my family are funny. Uncle Graham and Uncle David have purchased 200 Christmas trees, and in an Only Fools and Horses fashion are flogging them down their local market. Along with mistletoe (two pound a stem!). The mistletoe, of course, has been collected from various places around Snodland. And I saw some today. I never knew that mistletoe was a parasitic plant that grew off a host tree. It forms a rather fetching sphere as it sprouts from the tree. Very intruiging.
Oh and Step Auntie Tanya's Indian husband, and father of my cousins) has been convicted as a people smuggler, and put in jail. What a bastard. And she is supposed to be the responsible member of the family in Suffolk. Tut!
Have started to feel Christmassy!! Yay!
Friday, December 06, 2002
Oh yes I am in such a good mood today. Now pass me the fucking shot gun.
This really annoyed me. Let's us break it down. Italics are from the article, the rest my notes.
Mrs Roche said: "We are not talking about marriage here. No Because that wouldn't go down with the Daily Mail hate brigade What we are talking about is the signing of a register." But she added that couples would be perfectly free to arrange their own private ceremonies to mark the event. Gosh she is but so kind, allowing us to do that.
The shadow home secretary, Oliver Letwin, indicated that the Conservatives would support the measure when legislation was introduced.
"Whilst we attach a huge importance to the institution of marriage we do recognise that gay couples suffer from some serious particular grievances," he told BBC Radio 4's Today programme. Oh thank the lord, the fact we are but third rate subjects of Her Majesty is now known as "some serious particular grievances". The fact that we are denied very basic human rights, and don't just deserve these rights, THEY ARE OURS ALREADY, AND THE POWERS THAT BE HAVE NO RIGHT TO "ALLOW" US THEM!!!!!!
Sometimes I worry about the heterosexual elite that rules over us and thinks that it is being benevolent and kind by granting us rights, it itself denied us 150 years ago. And the thing is homosexuals go "Oh thanks, we love you." When we should be shouting "About fucking time you bigoted twats! Now give us some reparations for your treatment of us!" So far what they have "given" us is frankly unacceptably pitiful. We need a revolution in rights, and we need it now. My thoughts seem to extremely similar to this essay.
And I went to see the Xmas lights turned on today. It seemed to me, instead of being about Xmas, it was in fact all about how great the Mayor of Folkestone was, and how great the people who set it up were. It was all done very non-traditional, sickingly gimmicky and "post-modernist". And the choir were singing gospel and not flipping hymns...... deeply disappointed. Even Snodland does it better, and makes it FUN!
Thursday, December 05, 2002
Scooby has run away, after the lock out. :o(
When did I lose my wonder of the world? When did I stop liking people, and begin to hate them with such venom? What the fuck is going on with me putting up with this planet and not fucking going mental and laying the smackth down on all these brainless infidels arses?
I have even stopped liking Graham Norton.
People annoy me sssssoooo much. They ask me: "So what are you going to do with your life?" I have never understood this. These people who live in their comfy suburban houses doing fuck all with their life asking me what I am going to do with mine!!! Why the fuck should I do anything with it, other than live it?
They talk about money, houses, what colour curtains they should have, and what Posh and becks are up to. All to avoid actually talking about themselves, how they feel, and who they are.
My family are always eager to get my approval on things (after they have done them of course, they wouldn't dare consult me before). Like this house for instance. And I am very dismissive and uninterested, and they seem hurt. They seem to crave approval, like all these flipping twats around here, and seem to think that material things are going to win mine.
I am so tired of watching the news. It used to interest me. Seeing things from distant places and going "Wow! How rare!" Now all it seems to be about is explicit details of paedofilia, and John Lesley, things that do not interest me in the slightest. Yet they seem to go into such detail that t leads me to believe that the general public are all flipping closet child abusers who do it by proxy by actually wanting to know the gruesome details. They don't seem satisified with knowing that these evil bastards have harmed kids. They want to know how. IT SICKENS ME!
Today I tried to list people I actually respect, or like, or care about. The list was very short.
Right time to put on a balaclava and bring down the social institutions of this frigging messed up world where people actually read the Daily Mail ("Unravelling the Bible Code, Part Two!").
Oh David Attenborough is my hero of the year.
P.S. have strange scratch marks on neck.
Wednesday, December 04, 2002
Oh clean your rancid minds!!
Firstly... the village shop is 'orrible, and the ladies there aren't at all friendly. Hmph!
Secondly... have been forced to put my cats back out in the cold.... :o(
Thirdly.... I nearly ran away just now. My sane sensible side reasserted itself quickly, but just for one second after seeing a room for let in Brighton, I was about to just up and leave. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
Fourthly... I have become readdicted to Civilisaton Call To Power. Ah!
Fifthly.... just got a nice text from Ben. How random. NIce but... random...
Now To Cheer Everyone Up......
I went out in town last night with Becky, got a taxi and went to the Leas Club. She brought a friend alonmg named Claire, who is a lovely girl from Brisbane, and the night was great. Randomly Terri turned up with another girl called Lisa and things were going swimmingly until it became apparent that I was the only person out of the five of us not to have kissed a girl!
Terri gave me a lift home (she thus rules!!). Note to self.... never pay any attention to what Becky says when drunk.
Hmm.... I awoke this morning at 9 and saw that my cats were out in the conservatory. I found it to be locked. "Oh well" I thought, as my cats went loony trying to get to me, "I'll let them in the back door." That too was locked. The keys which are always in their locks were missing. Tony had got his way, and had locked my babies out. I am not best pleased!! Well, I, of course, let the cats in through the kitchen window (it was raining!) but Scooby is too ickle and stupid to understand, and remains in the conservatory meowing for me to let him in. :o( I don't think it helps that Millie keeps parading up and down in front of him basically going "Ha I am inside and you evil interloper are not. Muhahaha!" But still WHY LOCK MY CATS OUT?
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Am in the mood for singing show tunes/Disney Classics at the moment..... maybe as The Song is now finished, and I have found out (joy of joys!!) that I am off on Monday so don't have to do any of the singing, or take the blame for the song, despite being the evil genius behind... *dramatic drum roll* "I Wish I Could Be Working Every Day" Now what tune do you think it is set to?
All my customers were 'orrible! Impolite, arrogant, and impatient. And that was just me after taking one of their calls!! Customers bring out the worst in me.
After reading on Gert's blog that she is off on holiday to Egypt, I want your thoughts on what I think of as "ethical holidaying". I would never go to a country I felt was morally corrupt, such as Egypt where about 50 men were arrested for being suspected as gay (please note that to top it off they almost certainly AREN'T!!). I felt bad just visiting Italy. I think of it this way. Would you go for a holiday to Nazi Germany, when you know they are killing Jews? Would you go for a holiday to Jamaica where they chase gay men into the ocean, and wait on the beach until the gay man drowns, or they simply kill him on the steps of a church? I am not trying to say that YOU shouldn't go, just saying I couldn't. Just interested in your thoughts.
Will probably go out with Becky in a minute. Yay! Becky is one of those cool people who I want to count as one of my mates. She ain't cool as in she is "cool". She is cool as she is clever, individual, not afraid to say what she thinks, and just plain fun. Of course these people I meet will never replace my school mates (and you girls too before you start complaining!), but I do like meeting new people.
Monday, December 02, 2002
Sheesh. Reading my friends blogs, comments and floobles is like being in the middle of a giant whirlwind of bitterness, resentment and hate. That's my job people!!
I am so not liking living here. It is like hell, only worse, as hell probably has stuff to do. I have to eat at the table, have to wait ages for a lift home, or pay out HALF my wages on public transport, I have no friends within any close distance, no co-op to shop at, no where to escape to beyond my room.
I am doing constructive stuff. I move out in March. But that still leaves four horrible months ahead. :o(
Work was great emailed The Song to everyone for their impressions/ideas, and helped do Fiona's decorations which are nice, if put up using slave labour (me and Jane). All the other teams saw us putting up ours so began theirs, but only Carrie's team has a hope in hell of beating our masterpiece.
Probably going out with Becky and her friend tomorrow. We shall see if I can afford the taxi!
Sunday, December 01, 2002
Oh wait I just have. Zoe came round last night to save me from my Civilisation: Call To Power stuppor. We watched bend It Like beckham which was rather good really. Also saw Top Ten Campest Pop Acts... where many talking heads attempt to say "Cor, that was camp" in ever more unique and complex ways.....
Work was slow and boring.... highlights me, Jackie and jenny attepmted to write the xmas team song for next monday..... oh and we started to put up our decorations, despite Fiona supposedly being in charge of that.... :o)
Let us remember the victims of HIV/AIDS on this day. It is after all World AIDS day...... millions are dead..... millions will die.... God Bless Them All.
Cheers go to Dusty who has made me a button!! Thanks!! Link Me!!!
Saturday, November 30, 2002
Karen Come Back!!
OK remember I had ordered some clothes from High And Mighty last Saturday? No? Ok well I did. I used my debit card, but foolishly (me being dumb) I put in my new address and not my banking address. So the card was refused. No biggy. I sent an email with my banking address to the nice lady at High and Mighty and everything was going to turn out ok.
So yesterday I hitched a ride to lakeside (a large shopping mall about an hour away in Essex) with Zoe to begin my Christmas shopping, and to get out of this house where I am trapped. We get there. My card doesn't work in the cash machine. Hmmm.... we go and get a KFC.... my card still doesn't work.
Interlude At this point mum texted me to say she has bought me tickets to Avril Lavigne's concert at the Brixton Academy in march..... yay!! Also she gave me the number for Barclay's bank. I phoned em up.
I was quickly put through to fraud!! My card had been stopped by the evil banking overlords. But after much security checks I got it released. Thank the lord!
Thus began a shopping spree. I spent five pounds on cat treats, made an expensive "Santa Baby" cat at the Bear Factory (for mum), bought a dance floor gizmo things for Beth from the gadget shop and a remote controlled buggy from Toy Story for George from the Disney Store (hmm.... my fifth Disney Store of the year!). Anyway I spent way too much time eyeing up guys, talking about (obsessing over) Will Young, and falling in love with disney Store stuff....... (Oh Zoe has bought me a Will Young calender for Xmas.... it was a toss up (calm those dirty thoughts!) between him and Men In Uniform, he won.....)
Got back after braving M25 rush hour traffic, showed Zoe round my new house, went to Spoons with her where we had a meal (Sorry Ronnie!), went back to her house where Jodie (Jody?) did her usual round of questioning ("And is your house on a corner?") and then made the near fatal error of saying "Oh I am going to marry Will Young". Never say that near me! I am his husband to be!! (I wish!) Russell (her boyfriend) saved her by saying "I am sure you would have to work much harder to get him than Jason" Jodie also asked me to give blood. What is it with people asking me to do that?! I can't!!! Grr...
Anyway went back to Spoons and meet up with Becky and Gemma (who work together). Me and becky saw Mat and formed a smaller version of the Eurotunnel posse. Sat down, was accosted by lovely gent (quite drunk, and scary, but sweet) who get asking "May I ask?" questions of Zoe. Me and Becky made mad, drunken plans to move in together in march then explore the world.
Moved onto Leas Club where Becky and gemma left us (Becky in hot pursuit of some man). Saw Sayman and then Zoe gave me a lift home. Has anyone seen MT recently? Am worried I may start going cold turkey soon.....
Thursday, November 28, 2002
Grrr..... that is the best way to explain how I feel today.
Firstly to answer Natalie... I cheat on Stephen, I write about it here on my very easy to find public diary, he doesn't reply to my texts, putting two and two together I got *whispers to someone clever* four!
Secondly... clothes I (impulsively) bought on Saturday still haven't arrived... :o(
I was dropped off in town today by Tony, went and got my Gay Times and aXm (where has Attitude gone?) and wandered into work. As I wandered I realised two things.
1) Walking down Cheriton Road is like walking back through time. Over there was where me and Stephen openly held hands for the first time in public, there was where I used to wait to see the Sixth Former, just down there was where I went to school, just down the road was where I used to walk and ponder my life etc.... And now I don't live anywhere near this place that holds such importance for me. This made me very sad indeed.
2) I had forgotten how much I liked being alone. I spent the 45 minutes walk to work in deep conversation with a me who hasn't seen the light of day in years. Quiet, secretive, kind and gentle Jason. Unopiniated and accepting of all. I have decided to try and be that person again. So real life people if you spot me being i) loud ii) opiniated iii) bitchy iv) drunk slap me and remind me. Oh but I will still be i to iii on here so Nuh!
:o( Grrr.... have written like fifty stories in last week..... this is a sign of deep, deep restlessness... watch this space...
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
I am having trouble getting on to karen's site. Will someone please let me know she is ok? Much obliged.
I am unhappy today (shock horror, get the violins boys!). I have decided to see the Eurotunnel thing out till the end. I might as well. Even tho the job is getting me down.
My house was created for midgets. The bath is like way too small for me to bathe in, the shelves are all like three feet off the ground and door hadles more like 2 and a 1/2. The lights hang no higher than six foot off the ground.... I am going insane here!!
I think me and Stephen have broken up. I am more upset by that than I am willing to let on.
Do you think I should try being straight for a while? It would be so much easier than fighting on. I feel no connection to most people, because I can't understand them. I want to actually have something in common with every one else. Yesterday for instance every five minutes (almost literally) people at work kept coming up to me and going "wanna come give blood on Friday?".
"sorry I can't."
"Oh yes you can! Come one everyones going it'l be a laugh!"
"No really I can't. I am gay, and the homophobic powers that be reckon all gay men are diseased animals. Thus I am banned from giving blood."
"Oh sorry.... erm.... see you later......"
I look at my family, at people I meet, and I just feel so isolated. And I have so far not met any gay guy who either doesn't hate me or doesn't want to have sex with me. I just want a friend, one who understands!! My straight friends are brilliant and really try. But..... oh I don't know I am just speaking jibberish (no change there then)
Right that is it. Shall become asexual hermit refered to as "scary giant guy" by the kids down the road.......
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
This morning was spent loitering menancingly outside me old house searching for me baby. Didn't find her, went to work, spent day in daze..... Sandrine my supervisor basically told me all the temps will be sacked in a few weeks at the most, but she was doing her best to get me a reprieve (ps this is top secret hush hush the other temps don't know they are about to be fired). So that's the bad news.
Good news. Mum picks me up. "Any sign of me ickle one?" says I (am master of English language). "Oh no". Sad face all the way home. Get home. Who should the twins be violently beating? MY ICKLE BABY!!! Angel is home!! yay!!
I will get back into blog reading tomorrow so expect plenty of comments from me!! And shall go back to OutInTheUK soon.
PS between the hours of 3pm and 7pm GMT on Saturday listen to www.meancountry.com and hear the wonderful, magnificent radio personality that is.... SAM!! Yay!!
Monday, November 25, 2002
Angel is missing. She never came home after breakfast this morning, and now home isn't home anymore. Arg!! Don't worry while my baby is out in the cold and dark I shall not give up looking for her. It makes me really sad that she isn't here tonight. Hopefully I will have better news in the morrow.
So..... Saturday: I went out the Leas Club with Zoe. Was DISGUSTED to note sexy bouncer was not there for the third week in a row. Did see Ellie tho (yay!) and also there is a new glass collector who is sssooo fine. Mmmm....
Sunday: I went out with Zoe, Little Gem and her boyfriend Simon to Spoons, as Little Gem was 19 yesterday!!
Today: skipped work in effort to find, capture and move my cats. Well 2 out of 3 is at least a start.
Reasons to like new house:
1) Double Bed
2) It's huge!!
3) I share a bathroom only with George.
4) Fridge is BIG!
5) There's an office.
6) There are 4 toilets as opposed to one (broken)
Reasons to hate new house:
1) Where is my baby?
2) It's too big. I have already got lost.
3) I share a bathroom with George (aka James Bond) who is deeply annoying.
4) It is so far from anywhere (especially civilisation)
5) There are four bathrooms.... how will I choose?
6) It's all a bit fancy really.
7) I have counted seven Daily Mail reader types in the local area so far.
8) There are too many boring, posh, heterosexual people here.
9) This house has no character and looks exactly like every other one on this closed off estate.
10) Lympne..... how can any sane person pronounce that as Limb?
Oh by the way.... I am horribly depressed, but now have regular internet access so can bore you all silly with me problems (yay!!)
Saturday, November 23, 2002
Have just spent way too much money at highandmighty.co.uk.... whoops!!
Wednesday..... :o) can you guess what I did yet?
Thursday.... went to Leas Club with Sam...
Friday..... I have no life...... and fell deeply in love with Will Young..... mmmmm.....
Am being naughty and posting from mum's work laptop..... I move on Monday :o( and I think I shall give up work before Christmas.....
Leave me a comment......... see you soon!!!!
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
My hits are down, my links are out of date, and my blog is dying. :o( I wasn't feeling too bad about not having internet till I realised my blog is all lonely and unloved. :o(
Firstly Adam please do not suggest we have ignored you!! If you feel this I am sorry. But we always invited you out!! And you never replied!! And *ahem* who is always saying how crap Folkestone is?
OK Wednesday night I... well.... you know...... *wink wink nudge nudge*
Thursday... work was sssooo boring!! Then went out to Leas Club with the gorgeous Becky, who was very upset about the whole Ben thing. Then Robin and Arron joined us. Which was very amusing!! Saw some firemen striking... lazy slobs.....
Friday..... went out to 'Spoons.... was very depressed.... saw Sam, John, Chris, Claire, Zoe and Little Gem.
Saturday..... was bored so got Sam to come over and see me. We went and saved Chris from deep boredom too and headed for McDonalds, Spoons and Gees. Sam departed, me and Chris wandered aimlessly, found our way to Claire's house, went in while they were out, ate their food, watched Beaches..... Claire's mum seemed pleased/shocked to see me there when she returned!! Zoe came and got me and Chris we went to Leas Club where we meet Annie, Ellie and Lauren (triple yay!) and Claire was also there..... was still depressed....
Sunday... nada.... saw brilliant documentary on Spartans... bring back compulsory homosexuality.....
Tuesday...... nada...... my blog is gone..... now my life has too!!
Wednesday.... on broadband at Ian's!! Yay!! Miss you all.... leave me a message.... tell your friends to visit..... my hit counter looks anemic.... sell my site!!!!
Love Jae x x
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
Oh dear lord...... my parents have helpfully disconnected our internet line at home. So yes this may be my last post for a while... honest.... I am currently posting from Ian's broadband connection which rocks so, so much. Yay for broadband!!
OK so while I am away I shall get my life together. I promise. I can tell you that unfortunately more temps have been laid off, and in ever decreasing circles the temp plague approaches.
Fireman's strike just started. Blah!! Now remember people don't be foolish and start a fire just to get some cute, young soldiers to come rescue you.... this means you Lu!! :o) Mmmmm fireman and soldiers...... would make a rather good movie (probably not the kind to show you kids but oh well).
Hmm..... may try and convert some innocent straight guys while I am off.... after all the right wing press say there is some kind of gay mafia running the country. I wanna get me some part of that. Just call me Fa' Tony from now. I love sucking on big long things...... (cigars)......
See you soon!!
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
OK. I am NOT a happy bunny. Not one bit. Disturbed by lack of removal blokes (was hoping for some nice arms or something) I contacted mum to ask her what was going on. "Oops.... forgot to tell you, we're not moving till next week now." Just another way I feel like such a stranger in this house. No one tells me anything.
So I am around for another week... thanks everyone for saying goodbye, (shall need you to repeat that next week) and thanks greg for the post and email.
So went out last night with Elliot, Pete and Zoe. We went to the Leas Club and McDonalds. Oh my god McDonalds chips are horrible now.
I wanna go off and cry somewhere now. Relief mixed with annoyance.
Monday, November 11, 2002
Dear Constant Reader,
I move house tomorrow. I don't know if I will have web connection there. Erm...... god what would I do without my blog?
So some last up to the minute info for you.....
1) Ben was texted by Becky, "How is life outside Kent going?" "It's great" he text back. Why is he lying to us? I feel for him. Maybe he hates us so much he would tell us such a lie to get rid of us. Or he is messed up and needs a hug.
2) Ah!! My ever changing feelings lead me to say this..... I love Stephen. Somehow, I know that this is, and always has been, meant to be.
3) Am contemplating breaking Ian's heart and telling him that really I can't see him anymore.
4) I really don't want to move. Please God don't let it be as bad as I think it is going to be.
5) I dread each day that I spend with my "family".... I don't know if my friends know how good for me it is when we go out to the pubs and stuff. Thank you.
6) I have begun doing constructive stuff to get me out of here... have begun looking for jobs out side of Kent, and checking out accomadtion prices etc. I am contemplating quitting ET just to motivate me further..... Just my bloody debts standing between me and freedom...
I hope this is "See You Tomorrow" and not "Goodbye". You never know I may get "home" tomorrow and find the computer set up with broadband or something *faintly hopes*
Love Jae x x
Pete phoned me yesterday. And told me he was in Folkestone. Yay!! Promptly Pete and Sam arrived and after surfing the music channels, we headed for 'Spoons where we all ate Burgers, and me and pete downed our pints, at about half one in the afternoon. We then decided to head for Safeway's as Sam needed some shopping, Pete wanted to see Zoe, and I was holding out hope that MT would be there. We returned to Sam's car to find he had a £30 quid parking ticket... tut!!
He wasn't. But we saw Zoe, and then headed off for gee's where I got a pint of Stella for £2.20. Woo!!! After a while Sam disapeared and was replaced by Zoe, and the three of us headed off for Chinese (I think we ate a lot!!). Mmmmm....... we ate chinese round Pete's house while he had Chilli Con Carne on pasta, with cheese (!!!). Pete's little sister was funny, refusing all offers of help with her homework, and I fiendishly swapped my evil phone cover for a nice normal one. She then got out a pic of school, with of course, a pic of MT. I was happy.
We headed for cinema, via Safeway's garage for sweets, where I saw Debbie buying an Observer (her secret shame) but she didn't see me.
At the cinema we bought tickets for Mr. Deeds and sat down to wait for them to let us in, while I made meaningful (non-sexual!) eye contact witht the gay couple across the way from us.
This is where my happy story ends. Ben arrived. Now I was under the impression he was in a different county. Hmmm.... didn't speak to him, but I was just starting to forget my feelings for him, and now they are back, and they hurt. Oh so much.... I have two men yet am still totally lonely, and unhappy.
The film was good tho. "I think you underestimate my sneakiness".
Last night I dreamt about a strange life, a life I will never have and that made me sad too.
I am moving tomorrow, and although I love Folkestone dearly, once I move to Lympne, I think I may go a wandering. I want to get far away from here, and start a new, and meet new people, and stuff.
Ian phones me every day between 10pm and 11pm...... its sweet in a strange, I can't sleep way.
Sunday, November 10, 2002
Twice now Blogger has erased long posts that I try to publish about remembrance day..... here is a short one.....
I salute all those British, Commonwealth and Empire troops who have given their lives so that I can live safely and securely. Thank you. We all owe you a debt beyond comprehension.
I would also like to especially remember the gay men and women who have fought and died for freedom. And the horrors of war. I can easily do this by posting this:
DULCE ET DECORUM EST - Wifred Owen
Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.
Gas! GAS! Quick, boys! An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime . . .
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.
In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.
If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues -
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.*
*"It is sweet and meet to die for one's country."
This has made me a republican over night. And this is interesting.
I went out last night with Zoe. Saw Little Gem, found out Becky and her spies were spreading the news about my date, which their observed. Sexy bouncer wasn't at Leas Club and I annoyed every one at gee's with some more quality tunes..... muhahaha...
Saturday, November 09, 2002
What am I looking for? I don't know. But I haven't found it yet. Maybe it's a place, a person, a way of being. But I have yet to find it.
My eye sight has become terrible in the last two days. Is it tiredness? Or will I need to go see an optician? Shall leave it a few days and see.
Hmmm.... more temps have been spirited away from work, ala Ben, without me knowing. Only found out Linda (my partner in protest at the dismissal of Ben) was literally taken away by men in black suits.
Friday, November 08, 2002
Last night, after a day of telling myself off, I wandered into town to see Laura (Lu, back from uni for a day, yay!!). I saw Stacey on the way, who jumped up and down, causing her boyfriend to hide, as she said something along the lines of "Debenhams, Bonanza, Open Till 10". I could barely make her out as she was obviously very excited.
Moving on I got to the Leas Club, meet Laura (yay... again!), Sam arrived (yay!) and it was generally a good night. Me have missed Lu, and Sam.
Ben left town this morning.
Work was ok. I spent day happy. Don't know why.
Hmmmm...... ok seems "The Group" has organised a Secret Santa and yes I am involved. But it would seem they forgot to ask Laura. Me NO HAPPY about this. Hmmm.... I suspect Group Politics at work, and it ain't fair. So I don't know whether to tell them where to shove their obviously cruel Secret Santa. Last year I wasn't even told..... at least this year I was. :o( Huh.... one year I wish people got on. Laura, shall buy you big gift to make up for it. How does Tom Welling* sound?
Note for future: No more sex.
*Please Note Promise Non Refundable, Non Transferable, and Non Applicable.
Thursday, November 07, 2002
OK. The da..... meeting was good. And I was invited back for coffee. And we almost actually had coffee. And then.... whoops! It wasn't supposed to happen. It just.... did.....
I am such a slut/slag/whore, who, when given half a chance, will sleep with any man going. That is despite the fact that I could hurt people (emotionally, God sometimes I worry about your dirty minds), and despite the fact that this man obviously wants more (as in, a relationship). His name is Ian.
Oh anyway...... I think we know what I really want, what has triggered this latest slutty stage, who it is who drives me. And I think we know that it just ain't going to happen.
One good thing out of the last couple of weeks is the complements men have been throwing my way, few people other than Stephen call me sexy, but of late have had a few such comments. *feels all fuzzy* I like getting complements if only I could avoid arguing against them "No I am not." "No you are" "No sexy and me aren't real close bedfellows"
Think I am going out with Becky on Tuesday.... hang on..... I am moving on Tuesday..... hmmmm...... :o( Life only gets better.
Notes for future reference..... JUST SAY NO!
*UPDATE* I don't want you to get the impression I didn't enjoy last night. I did. Very much. And I haven't laughed so much in years. Just I feel bad that I am letting my feelings, towards someone unnamed, persuade me to sleep around to make myself feel good, while at the same time I am hurting Stephen. I don't want to do that.
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
Oh twas Guy Fawkes Night last night, fireworks everywhere, and my poor ickle babies were all terrified. awwwww... bless.
I went out with Zoe and Sam (yay!) to the Leas Club, then to Wetherspoons and it was a good night in all. Although I was finding myself attracted to more men then ever before. And I took a note of my fnancial situation, and went "Blah!"
Erm.. how can I put this without sounding like a complete tosser... I am going out for a socialiable meet up with a like minded fellow. No it is not a date. Honest. I mean, I have a boyfriend and would thus never date anyone else.
*turns to cats* I think I pulled it off.... phew......
Monday, November 04, 2002
Thanks everyone for your concern....
Somedays I really don't understand men. First I get back with Stephen, then there the "incident" on Friday and now another man has "come out" and said he likes me. Do you think it has anything to do with the new Calvin Klein "Crave" fragance I wear?
This one I don't know much about so shall avoid details until I know more.... all I know other than his first name and his age is that he is really clever. This is a big turn on for me! (Opposites attract, isn't that what they say? :op) This is very annoying! Where were these two when I was single, hmm? Grr...
I went down to Gees last night with Zoe after Sam gave us the old "have other plans" excuse. We were both really, really bored. Minor highlight was me putting on my usual collection of superb tunes..... *cough*... and listening to the groans, sighs and general "what the fuck is this?" sounds coming from the other people in the bar.... muhahaha!
Going permanent has been postponed till January... this will probably mean I will thus have to leave my job as can't really afford the travel costs. :o( Well the family have won yet again.
My blog is still banned on my other account along with most of your blogs now. Oh happy stuff huh? Sorry if I don't comment or anything... will try to use this account but will probably be told off soon!
I may have to like sell myself just to earn enough money to move out as soon as poss..... hmmm.... *starts spraying on plentitudes of Crave..*
And You Still, After All My Evidence, Think Things Are Getting Better?
YSL Ad... Don't click if you are prudish/at work So the fuss over this latest advert has really got to me. Here we have an erotic, tasteful image being used to sell a product, that let's face it, ain't really evil. And mags refuse to carry it..... grrr...... Yet they carry pics of naked women in the biggest selling newspaper in Britain. What gives?
Is the male penis so deeply ugly that it can't be shown. I think it is wonderful and not something to hide.
See articles here and here.
Sunday, November 03, 2002
My escape route for the whole of my life has been my imagination. Whole worlds where, when the going gets tough, I hide out. When one of my stepdads used to beat my mum, when my first depression struck me, when Colin hurt me, I ran away to my dreams and hid and hoped things would pass.
That fantasy world escapes me at the moment. It is like my brain has told me I am on my own for this one. That is never a good thing. Leaving me in charge to sort stuff out is liking leaving a child with a boiling hot pan of water. Some one is going to be hurt.
I can't lie to you any longer. I hate my family. Each and every one of them. There are no provisos to that. No I hate 'em but I love 'em really statements to save my butt from your moral condemnation, Dear Constant Reader.
I will also not lie to you and suggest I am doing anything constructive to get out of here. I am not. I would rather just lie down and die. Fighting would just mean I'd have to face even more reality. And that isn't what I want.
I don't want to have to deal with other people in real life situations. Other people annoy me. Sicken me. I have found few actual like minded individuals in this world who I would want to spend my time with.
The really scare thing is this. I don't have any hope for the future. Not even any desire to hope for the future. No dreams of my Prince Charming. No dreams of being happy. No matter whether I fight or not I can't see anything good coming of it.
Today I want to commit suicide. I don't just feel suicidal. Today I actually am seriously contemplating it. I won't of course. I am a great big coward (and let me tell you that a botched suicide attempt is not fun see Decembers posts of last year) But God. It would be far better to be dead than alive right now.
The thing that really gets me is this: everyone I have ever gone to for help has said "Things aren't that bad" "Things could be worse" "Things will get better in time". Yes I know. But sometimes their perspectives are way bigger than mine. And perspective is the key to this equation.
From now on I shall think before I post. I shall pay attention to how I express myself. I have the freedom of expression, so I may as well use it properly.
No it doesn't mean I will become one of those blogs where either they don't actually tell you anything as they beat around the bush with long words, and phrases. Nor does it mean I shall become one of those blogs which say they are being open, yet become rather closed over details of their emotions and other peoples lives.
This is meant to be a truthful journal of my thoughts, feelings and interests. I shan't edit out truths. Just tell you about them with more description and less fluffy statements.
Saturday, November 02, 2002
I went to Leeds Castle fireworks (with zoe, Little Gem, and kerazy Lauren) which rocked, loud music, and loads of groovy fireworks! yay!! I am very sorry that people were hung drawn and quartered... but hey we celebrate their deaths in style!! And Reena was there.
I love fireworks, and Melly I miss having you there with me. You were such a fireworks obsessive!! I love you Melly-Mels.
What? Why are you looking at me like that? No I was not thinking about him. Honest guv. OK so I was. So shoot me. I have been thinking about Stephen just as much (which is deeply confuzzling). Can't a boy have his cake.... and eat it?
Oh had massive hangover all day at work, had none of my usual crew to talk to, and to top it off my brain decided to dwell on the "fun" subject of Ben. I thought I was over my little infatuation. I don't know whether you thought that, but I did. I was wrong. And I shouldn't be infatuated with anyone other than Stephen. And specially shouldn't be infatuated with someone who also has a boyfriend, and is well out of my league.
He leaves town for good in a couple of days. Once he is gone I will get over this. I am very fickle.
On other note.... Sister Mary matthew ius very very clever!! We love him!
Anyway had drinks and stuff, Az and Rob turned up, and sat with us, while Smiley Laura sat on other side of Spoons trying to hide form me. How crurel.
We went and got some money out in town, and got a lift with Terri to the clubs. Got there, got bored quickly, I hate clubbing so much, became miserable bastard as becky dragged me from the Beach to Indigo and back. Did dance for a while when I got particularly drunk. Becky and Rob, after much beating round bush, got it on,, which made me and Ben physically sick. Then Rob came over to me, and asks. "Do you like Ben?" "No" I lie. "Well apparently he likes you." Now I wish people didn't say things like that. It gets my hopes up, and I am not going to think of anything else all day.
And why would Ben like me? He can't do, so Rob must have got it wrong, so why did Becky tell him that? And if ben did like me, why did he need to say that after I got back with Stephen?
Oh I hate this. Am still drunk so this post sucks, gotta go work now.
:o( All confuzzled.
Friday, November 01, 2002
Oh I snuck off with Reena at lunch (in her fabtastic car, if she was a man I would so want her!) to the Terminal to the perfume shop to buy stuff in the staff sale. The entire call centre had the same idea. So after a bit of a scramble with my "collegues" (was every woman and gay man to themselves) I came away with: for me Calvin Klein Crave, which is ssssooo gorgeous, and for Ben Hugo Boss (tis his leaving gift). Got 30% discount. Muhahaha!
While there I went to Pete's WHSmith's. I bought axm. At the till this girl looked at me. She went into "tall daze". This is where someone is so brainless that my height overpowers their senses and renders them catatonic. She stood there unable to move or talk for a good 15 seconds, had to put my mag through 5 times before she got it right, each time stealing glances at me, then couldn't count out change, and then had the cheek to say... "Cor, you put me off you did." ME?! She is the insanely stupid girl. Not me!
Hmm.... me had no lunch.... me hungry man rarg.....
OK so what happened on Guy Fawkes night then... hmmm? (Well done to Matthew for getting the name... I do believe he possibly went to one of those "What happened on this day?" places... if you didn't why do you know all that about November the 5th?). Spirited guesses from Elliot and John. John have got a free condom with me Crave... as its give John presents day I think I shall give that to you! Yay!!
I have been thinking about Stephen a lot. That can only be a good sign.
Good try there Natalie, but no. Any other thoughts on the significance of November the 5th. Hint: it has something to do with King James I (IV). Or should that be Queen James considering his great liking of his footmen and I'm not talking paternal love here. Oh and his wife was 6'8" tall, so yah for her as well!!
If the words "In our new house....." are muttered once more I shall go quite insane. Tony last night just tried to wind me up by going "We exchange contracts tomorrow" I could see by the glint in his eye he was only doing it as he KNEW it'd hurt me.
Oh dear. I just realised what a terrible, unintentional joke I made at the top of this. I apologise.
Thursday, October 31, 2002
Okay I have a question for all my non-British readers. What is the significance of November the 5th?
Work was dull, but was not a problem.
Sam has left university. Sam good luck in what ever you do. Wanna go out for a drink soon? My diary is filled till Sunday. Wanna go then?
Feeling incredibly gay today. Oh have I told you... I have a boyfriend. ;o) Oh sorry yes I have. Just like to say that. Oh look..... over 10000 visits!! Thank you guys (please note.... random SKUBA searcher has returned!).
I need a subject to write about so have you any questions, or subjects for me? Ask me anything. I will always answer! Go on... even do it just to make me smile. And if you don't have a question..... just say hello!!
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
Today at work I must of taken 300 calls... all asking "Is it open now?".....
I have a picture to show you....
I am the one in the middle (no really I hear my mates say). Stephen is the one on the right. Don't ask me who the other one is. This pic is from a whole different Jay's life, I barely remember it. 'Twas my "I only hang out with gay people phase" when I was just 16.
Blogger still banned over on JKay8839. Hmmmmm... (aaahhh did it again, stop using that noise!!). Am definetly thinking about Gert's advice about getting a second job. If I do get a permanent job, I will know my hours ages in advance so a bar job wouldn't be out of the question.
I have been over using the above sound. Hmmm...
Things that annoyed me yesterday. The train being so deeply slow.
Stephen phoned my mum while I was on way up to have a "chinwag". This annoys me. He knows I dislike her, yet still goes out of his way to talk about her. He even suggested we go meet up in London with her. Ha!!!!!!! The other thing is I hope he doesn't treat me like a child this time. He sometimes seems to act as if I have never been out to gay shops or clubs, or had sex with other men. It's like "I have been gay for a long time, I have lived in Brighton and down the whole 'gay thing', just because I don't really do that anymore doesn't make me any less experienced than you!!"
People: I have a boyfriend. That feels real good to say. Yay!! Yay! Yay! Yay!
Oh me and Stephen split because I am a complete arse and can never decide whether I like him or not.
Hmmm... ok so lets start at the beginning. The train tanoy bloke was deeply sarcastic... when reading out the reasons we were delayed (5!) he made everyone laugh. I got off train.. meet Stephen. We went into Soho, visited the Prowler store. Stephen made a big thing of the porn section. I was like..... have lived in Brighton... am NOT A CHICKEN!!! We went off window shopping (went to Ralph Lauren [tis huge} and Disney store [made a scene as I love Woody way too much]). This foreign gay couple came up to me and Stephen (they saw we were gay and thus had to chat with us) and made me take thei picture... yay! Then got tube/bus to his student digs, he made a pizza, we watched Masters of the Universe, and we had sex. I knew it would happen. It was like this exual energy in the air, and as I was very horny I really couldn't say no.
And may I add twas one of the best shags I have ever had.... mmmm....
So me and Stephen are back together.... (have already been told off by Becky, Ben and Laura sooooo don't bother)
Then made my way home (deeply satisfied) and went straight to Leas Club, saw Ben and Becky got drunk... I do love those two.. they are great... Am going to Ben's leaving do at Paris on Friday...
Oh and Blogger still banned on other account.... bugger
Mmmmm... I want Stephen again.... he feels nice..
Oh went to Comptons...... and saw a fire in Soho.... (mmmmm... firemen.....)
Have you guessed.. am drunk and tired... sober versiopn later...
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
In sad news Blogger, Gert, Emmsy, Emily, NellieQ, Sister Mary Matthew, and the Group Captain have fallen victim to some tougher parental controls. Thus I can't actually read your blogs, or post to my blog from the account I am allowed. This is being posted from my secret account although repeat usage of this will get me a stern telling off. Aaaaahhhh!! This is what I have to put up with.
Mum and the Twins are also going to London but on different trains *breathes sigh of relief*
What will I do without the ability to post to my blog? Hopefully I will be alowed on it later.... Censorship really stinks.
Oh and Tony accused me of burning his shirt.... now pardon me for saying this but.... I DON'T IRON STUFF.... I am one of those people who really can't give a fuck about what clothes I wear and how bad they smell/look...... (PS I hate people who do care about such stupid stuff.... like Elliot..... he tells me off for wearing my fav t-shirt a lot.... well I AM SSSSOOO SORRY... or not.... is Elliot a girl? Just wondering....)... so how could I have bloody burnt his shirt.... he too worries way too much about his appearance and too little about how he treats others...
Monday, October 28, 2002
Had another Buddy today. She was very nice but talked more than me which isn't a good thing!!
Mum had £1000 stolen from her account last night. O-er missus (thus am unlikely to escape rent paying......)
Am moving on the 12th November.......... la la la la.....
Leeds Castle fireworks on Saturday... yay!!!
Thanks for all your support guys... your cheques are in the post...
Sunday, October 27, 2002
I wonder if you know what its like to feel suicidal all of the time? Since the age of 14 I have halfheartedly attempt suicide (as am big wuss) about twice a year. Last year I took a very large overdose. This year I did something different (a change will do you good yadda yadda) and ran away to Europe for a couple of weeks (half hearted yet again Jason, naughty boy!). Today I feel suicidal. And this is because of Mum and Tony. Usually I try and blame something else. The weather. Steps splitting up. Mental imbalance.
But today I can say that I have been contemplating suicide as I can't stand it here anymore. And knowing there is nothing I can do about it which isn't very drastic is even worse.
I love a lot of my life right now. I have lots of friends. I have a job... with prospects. Money is coming in. But the most important thing in my life, my home, is missing. No I didn't lose it down the back of the sofa (at least I hope not). All I want is to come home and not feel unwelcome, insecure, and alienated. I want to not fear coming home. I want to leave work, and smile instead of leaving work and desperately wanting to claw my way back in again.
What I really wish is that for one day I could smile and mean it. I could feel wanted. I wish for one day I only met nice people who smiled and joked and were highly random.
What I really wish is that I had a home.
The last few days in a nutshell....
Marie-Anne left work, thus leaving me as the most senior temp in my team.
My Auntie Chris was expelled from Australia when her visa expired and she foolishly asked the authorities what to do about it (she was emigrating there). The Australians arrested her, put her in an internment camp and then sent her back.
My Aunt Jill and my three cousins went on holiday a little while back to the south of France and were thrown out of their holiday camp for being too noisy. It now transpires that they had a film crew with them and their exploits will be on TV in January.
I still don't know when we are moving.
Angel baby is all better after a trip to the vets. Yay!!
Had a Mexican for dinner last night. I thought yay! This is nice all the family round the table eating. Mum had to go ruin it by stressing out... same this morning.... Tony of course, tactfully, called her miserable. I am sure any sane man who had lived with a woman for 10 years would know 1) when its her time of the month 2) when to keep his mouth closed. I can't believe he doesn't know how to handle her.
I went out to the Leas Club last night with John, Chris and Zoe. I simply was way too interested in that bouncer. He is ssssooooo fine a roonie.
Am sssooo not doing overtime next week. Am sssooo tired!!
Things To Remember
Going out on Tuesday with Becky and Ben.
Terrorists ARE NOT going to attack the Leas Club (I've been reading too many newspapers)
Don't spend your money Jason!!!!
Create marvellous Pumpkin like creation for Zoe's Pumpkin Competition thingy.
Get this man to fall in love with you...
Saturday, October 26, 2002
Went out last night. Zoe and Chris came and picked me up. we then went and got Jody and Russell and made our way to Spoons to meet Rob, Arron (or is it Aaron?) and Elliot. 'Twas a good night all in all. Some cute guys, nothing to call home about however.
I am so tired. Could sleep for weeks. I am also so horny. Poor CDG and FT (another guy I like at work) have to put up with me googling them every time they..... breath.... eat..... exist....
Oh yes have realised that my sexual tastes have done a whole topsy turvy move from submissive to dominant. Ho Hum.
Friday, October 25, 2002
Yes I know call me King of Mood Changes. Had another buddy today .... girl by name of Jo... she was scared by my issue of Attitude... obviously not my kind of person.
I love men.....
Thursday, October 24, 2002
I woke up this morning and SLAM! there it was. Confidence seemed to ooze away from me. Happiness packed its bags and has now taken a holiday. Illness is the absence of love. I certainly have no love of myself today.
I then got up and went up the shop to get my news paper and obligatory bottle of Pepsi max. It was okay until on the way back some old git stopped me, and said "Cor, it must be cold up there this morning". I had to restrain myself from 1) hitting him 2) sobbing and 3) flinging myself under the nearest bus.
I got home, and came on here, as usually the net cheers me up when I am down. But blogger wasn't working. So I went to my usual places for a chat. And my usual chat partners were there. "Yah!" I thought they are always fun, and silly, just what I need. That was when they started doing their flirting thing with me, telling me I am cute and stuff. Usually I think that's great.
But today it only hurt me more. They don't know me. I am not cute, and if we ever meet I would just be dumped on as freakily tall, slightly bizarre Jae.
"I went thru some nights consumed by shadows" where is this from? Ten points for guessing correctly.
When you read this it will mean Blogger will be publishing my blog finally. Blogging used to be fun. Now it is all stressful. Calm down readers, I shan't be stopping, but once I've moved (hmm.... when is that happening?) I shall begin focussing more on my Xanga site, moving my links, signing it up to the same cliques and blogrings etc.
Once all that is all done, I shall throw in the towel over here on blogger, get off Blogspot Plus (my old non Blogspot Plus blogs post fine I have just discovered!! See here) and not renew my Blogger Pro. Don't worry you will all be invited to visit my other place.
Of course if Blogger starts to improve/or I am too lazy to move my site then I retract all of the above.
Why do human beings feel the need to harm, scare and generally abuse other members of our species? See here. Are we just animals? Because I am sure we can be more than this. My job has made me realise that their are more stupid people in this world than I would have credited. But surely being dumb can't explain war, hatred and terrorism can it? Sometimes I worry about this world. Imagine *starts singing* what we could do if we all worked together. Just imagine where we could be tecnologically, socially, and morally. Although each day my political optimism disapates a little more, I do still dream of a day when humanity finally becomes more than just a biological term.
Yesterday at work I became so stupified at how dumb some customers were (i.e. those who think being rude to call centre agents will get them a good deal. This is not how it works!!) I decided I may start to drop random questions in to see just how dumb they were.This lead to a discussion with Stacey which lead to some marvellously stupid answers.
"Stacey, name me three pre-WWII Prime Ministers?" (Of the United Kingdom may I add) "Um.... Hitler? Nelson Mandela, didn't he wear a patch" "I think you may be thinking of Napoleon, and/or admiral Nelson"
"Name me three countries other than the U.S.A in the Americas." "Errrr.... the Seychelles?"
Stacey did get her own back....... "Name me three Care Bears" I couldn't name one. Despite having once been a keen fan. Oh the shame. My best effort was "erm.... fairy cake?" So can you answer our questions?
This site rocks!!
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
I need a fuck. Sorry kids but I got say it as I feel it. And fuck seems to be the word that best expresses what I need.
I am so tired and stressed, and I get home from a 10 hours shift at work to deal with four human beings who I dislike (although in three of the cases also love as they are family, but that is the only reason). And its been months/seemingly years since I have had any physical contact with another bloke.... and mentally that is taking its toll. I need a man/group of men. :p
Oh isn't the Bill getting good. One lesbian. Two gay men and a closet case (aka Ste from A Beautiful Thing.... ps Ste will you marry me?).
Am having a pint... but nobody is here..... is this the first sign of alcoholism?
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
Fireman strike soon. Joy. So they want a 40% increase in pay. Fine, they work hard. So they want to ruin Guy Fawkes Celebrations by striking from 2nd November to 4th November. Fine, they deserve that pay rise (can I have one too?). But they will also put people's lives at risk. And people WILL die because of their actions. Not might. WILL. People who probably support the pay rise for the firefighters WILL die. And all so the firemen can get a 40% pay rise, which we all agree they deserve, well we will until people die I hope, in which case we deduct 40% and give the combined total to the victims families.
No doubt the more lives lost the quicker they get the rise. Lucky them. My thoughts remain with the soon-to-be victims of this bloody ransom.
Hmmm.... stressed out. Can I have a back massage, a pint of Stella and MT naked, and also gay. Thanks for your co-operation.
I have a message for the random GOogle.com (yes people their browser recognises google after just two letters now) searcher who comes here looking for SKUBA. Stop right there mister/missy and tell me who you are please. I don't bite or nothing.... unless you are a gorgeous man who wishes me to. I really wanna know who you are!!
Monday, October 21, 2002
I went out to Spoons and Gees last night with Zoe. I drank quite a bit considering that there was only two of us. It was nice to go to Gees after so long away. When did I last go to Gees? Shall have to check that up but I guess it was quite a while ago.
As is a Sunday tradition I played around with the Jukebox much to the horror/dismay of all the hearing folk within the bar. I played such brilliant classics as "Your Woman" by White Town (is the only song to ever get to number one sung by a gay about loving a man? Oh is my gaydar and my understanding of the song missing the point?), "Take A Bow" by Madonna, and "Come Back To What You Know" by Embrace. Anyway Zoe grew so annoyed she put up some good songs. Then Vikki gave us a quid to play even more songs! Woohoo!!!
Bah! Work! Am so not in the mood. Am in mood for a little bit of loving with Charlie from Busted. Ok so am just plain in the mood for a little bit of loving from any bloke. Am such a big slut somedays.
Sunday, October 20, 2002
Anyway... lo and behold twas linked to by that seeming God of blogging Troubled Diva. Where it was pointed out about some tendency of gay bloggers to link to other gay bloggers. I don't really fit that pattern... looking at my links I link to those I enjoy. Most of the blogs I link to aren't super popular.... but they are super great!!!