Monday Diet Check-In

Like Second Life I need to avoid repetition so thought I'd do a weekly Monday post on my progress. Let's start at the beginning...

Back in 2014 I went to the doctor with some symptoms that made them worry I might have a tumour. Now I'm mature enough to know that NO doctor of merit would ever say such a thing on a first consultation to anyone but I believed them. Whilst awaiting my consultation appointment and then the consultation results I was put on  a strict diet. Water only to drink. Salads featured a lot. I lost a tonne of weight and felt amazing (until I found out it was all for nothing and my symptoms had by then gone). At the same time I was trying to pay off my overdraft and succeeding. It was the last time I had both my weight and finances under control.

First there were fun reasons for both to get out of control again. I met Jim. We went on holidays. We enjoyed ourselves in London. My job came with the benefit of a boss who LOVED taking us all out for food and drinks at the nicest bars and restaurants. I was in heaven and I fell off the wagon.

Then came my second proper London job. It wasn't stressful. It was DISTRESSING. I went on the paleo diet whilst there and that really worked, I got back down to a good fitness level, had loads of compliments but the, and I can't say this bluntly enough, trauma I got from what happened in that role knocked me out. I comfort ate like never before. My relationship with chocolate became closer than my relationship with anyone ever.

And even after moving away, getting a job where I'm respected and relatively happy and living a good life with Jim I've never recovered from the events of 2009-2010 (there was stalking involved and not by me for once). I've let my weight get so out of control that it just isn't acceptable. I've toyed with dieting on and off but never stuck it out. I've never been more uncomfortable. I'm ALWAYS uncomfortable.

Now Jim and I's lives are entering a new stage. Marriage beckons in September. Our financial situation has begun to stabilise. And it is time for me to become the man I used to be and move on (9 long years later) from the stress that I no longer have.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm changing my life. Taking control. Not in a dramatic "This will all be fixed in one go way". Slowly. Building habits. Making choices and seeing how they pan out and changing them if I need too.

I started last Tuesday. My aim is not to weigh myself too often but to judge my successes based on how I feel. The diet isn't a faddy one but simply working with a calorie deficit and working on a macronutrient balance (yes there was maths, I loved it). I'm currently attempting to read everything I can from those difficult to find SANE voices in the fitness world (which appears to mostly be run by insane conspiracy theorists) .

So how has it gone?

1. I've not been hungry, despite an average daily calorie intake of 1408 (that's probably too low but hey, I'm tweaking this as I go!)
2. Today, stuffing my face with delicious, juicy chicken breast I was in heaven remembering how much I enjoyed the paleo diet (I'm not on paleo this time but, like an atheist who celebrates Christmas, I'm inspired by it)
3. My trousers this morning felt... looser. I might be imagining it but I also felt far more comfortable in my shirt too. I may be deluding myself but then again whenever I diet my first couple of weeks weightloss is generally epic.

So that's it. Las Vegas Wedding Diet is ON. I want to ENJOY myself so badly and with that goal in mind I think I can smash this.

This coming week... I'll be introducing exercise to my days. We'll see how it goes...

I Am Not Ashamed

Being more than a little interested in marriage equality articles means I come into contact with a great deal of negativity every day. From the concerned folks who worry about homosexuals and the future well-being of our souls, to those who think we are paedophiles, monsters and/or bound for Hell, it all boils down to one thing; being gay is not okay and is at best something worthy of sympathy.

After a while it starts to get you down. How can so many people, often well-meaning and intelligent, be so negative about something that they don't even seem to understand? How can they cast judgement so readily over something so unworthy of that judgement?

Well I reject this viewpoint. I reject it with every part of my being. My sexuality isn't something I look for acceptance of. It's not something I look for tolerance of. It's something I embrace, celebrate and enjoy. It's a positive in my life, a piece of untainted joy. Jim sometimes says I'm a bit too focussed on gay issues but that's because gay issues excite me in the way Star Wars, dinosaurs and history excite me. They are all something I love and find rewarding.

I remember when I was just coming to terms with my sexuality, desperately ashamed due to my then ongoing fling with Christianity. I remember the day I first saw a boy who made that shame just disappear. His beauty was so intoxicating I couldn't even think of disliking how I was feeling. I knew then that my sexuality wasn't something that was going wrong with me, that needed to be fixed, but something that was a good thing.

The strange thing is that often people seem to just equate homosexuality with lust. I didn't feel lust towards my first crush. He was too beautiful for that. And I don't just fall in love with men because of their looks. I fall in love with who they are as men. Their personality and their character are far more important to me than looks and love is far more important to me than sex (not to say I didn't mess around a little as a teen, as you Dear Constant Reader know only too well!).

I love men, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I love their looks. I love their voices. I love how they think. I love how they act. There's nothing, not a single thing, wrong with that.

I refuse to allow people to tell me what my sexuality is and how I'd be better off conforming to what they want for me. I'm not going to repent for something that needs no repentance. I'm not going to apologise for something that needs no apology. And I'm not going to reject something that brings me happiness every single day through the man I love.

When I think of a life without Jim, I feel myself die a little inside. For the last year and a bit he's had some very serious health problems and it's really made me think about the unthinkable and it was not a happy time. My love for him is no less, NO LESS, than anyone else's love for somebody. To suggest otherwise is to tilt at windmills and to delude yourself.

Every time I read another comment like those on here, I'll remember that unlike them I'm on the side of love. And woe betide anyone who thinks they can tell me differently.

I'm here, I'm queer and I'm not going anywhere (unless there's chocolate, in which case I'm yours).

If you feel benevolent and particularly generous, this writer always appreciates things bought for him from his wishlist

Have I Ever Liked Civil Partnerships?

No, I think will be the answer clearly spelt out in my post from the past for today, in honour of the current media rumours of movement on this issue.

Let's see what Past Jae thought of them back in December 2005 (PS reading back, I think I was a little harsh but there is still a small part of me that agrees with Past Jae):

I really don't wish to darken anyone's special day now that civil partnerships are legal. But those who are taking part in civil partnerships are selling themselves, and the rest of the LGBT community, short. They have given up the fight not just for true equality, but also for freedom for everyone (be they gay or straight) from the demands of the "righteous".

We have failed to meet two totally different goals of two quite different parts of our community. One was total equality, to have no difference between gay, straight, trangendered etc; to have full, equal marriage rights not similar to, but the same as, heterosexuals. That we have now not achieved and may not achieve for decades!

The other goal was more radical. It was to change the face of the world, and to free us all from a very self destructive socialisation we fell into around the time of the industrial revolution. This was the mixing up of romantic love and marriage, a mix that really doesn't fit. By selling out to this bizarre and strange mix of marriage (a formerly practical institution) and love (not practical, beautifully aloft) we have enslaved ourselves and abandoned our basic principles.

Somehow today a dream has died, and something wonderful has become dreary.

Link to post here


If you feel benevolent and particularly generous, this writer always appreciates things bought for him from his wishlist

Another Gay Sunshine Day

Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah. As I'm sure you know Proposition 8, California's anti-marriage equality voter initiative that amended the Californian Constitution, was struck down in a federal court. By no means is this the end of the fight but it's certainly worthy of a smile and, if you are so inclined, a song.

So day 532 of the job search, or thereabouts. Any news? Nope. Keep getting phone calls enquiring as to my interest in a job but they never seem to amount to anything. *sigh


Starting to get concerned about heading up to the third floor when Jim is there now, following two worryingly similar incidents that occurred last night. The first involved him forcing me to sing “Always On My Mind” by the Pet Shop Boys. The second was a duet on “Happy Ending” by Avril Lavigne. I tell you, this is a crazy house! Damn karaoke in the games room...

If you feel benevolent and particularly generous, this writer always appreciates things bought for him from his wishlist

Another Gay Sunshine Day

I've been having a rather gay time off work. Let's not talk about the interview in case we jinx it...

I've been watching QAF US and I think I've finally decided it is better than QAF UK, even if this does make my teenage self scream out with rage. Plus I've taken a gander back at one my "Favourite But Nobody Else Likes Them" movies: But I'm A Cheerleader. Love that movie...

Whilst half heartedly tidying the bedroom the other day, I came across the old diaries I rescued a couple of months ago from the parents home. As I picked them up a couple of sheets of paper fell to the floor. Two were the first two letters Stephen ever sent me way back in 2000. In perfect condition one even still had the picture he sent me tucked inside it. I was transported back to that same teenage self as soon as I read them...

But also tucked inside was a letter from Auntie Melly when she was in hospital in March 2000. In absolute perfect condition, not an extra fold or mark on it, it could have been sent yesterday. I was half torn between smiling at her lame jokes and crying at the subtext pouring from each word, so obvious to me now but alas not then, of her terror and her loneliness at her situation. I wish, obviously, what happened never happened at all. But I also wish that if it had to happen that it could of happened when I was older, more independent. I could have been there for her when she needed someone. I'm nearly as old as she was when she died. Hardly a life at all. I'd give anything to have her about still. It's funny how the grieving stops but the pain never goes away.

I can't believe I've never seen this video before...



It has Kathy Najimy in it! I am slacking... thanks Jim for finally bringing it to my attention.

Soooooo poor right now, I'm dreaming of a Diet Coke break and I'm not even dreaming of the hunky guy. Just the Diet Coke would do. Less than 12 hours until pay day...



Did you really think I wasn't dreaming of the hunky guy??? ;) This is me we are talking about.

This blogger works for nothing but the joy of writing but always appreciates things bought from his wishlist

Separate But Equal

I sometimes wonder to myself how it came to be that the gays and lesbians of this country could so easily be mollified by Government offers of "marriage-lite". I can't really blame them... the situation was becoming desperate with people losing their homes after their partner died, and facing the awful experience of being denied access to their loved one in hospital. The Government used this desperation to be treated with dignity to push through a compromise that allowed Christian bigots to save face whilst denying gay people full rights.

I pay the same taxes as a straight person so I expect the same fucking rights. Jim wants to get married and I keep having to tell him I would feel like a hypocrite to "marry" him currently. This isn't some feeble excuse... I truly love Jim and nothing would give me greater happiness than to declare my love loud and clear. But I'm not prepared to subjugate my rights to equality just to fulfill my own selfish wants. He also would not want to marry in a foreign country (there go my dreams of a polar bear themed wedding in Canada!).

The media continue to acquiesce in this injustice erroneously referring to Civil Partnerships as "gay weddings" and "gay marriage". Just see this latest article in the Observer.

This is not gay marriage in anyway shape or form. Until homosexual partnerships are recognised under the same law as heterosexual civil marriages then we are but second class citizens in this great country. I believe this to be a lost cause... no one seems to mind it other than me. I have not met a single person who cares. But I shall not allow that to stop me opposing it. However I already feel the force of familial wants and my need to formalise my relationship to Jim for the sake of our future security, one day soon I may find myself without a choice but to take a Civil Partnership.

I pray that somehow the Government will see the error in it's way and bring in gay marriage. If South Africa can bring it in then I think we can too!!

Doesn't Need An Explanation