Sunday, November 03, 2002

The End Of Dreams

My escape route for the whole of my life has been my imagination. Whole worlds where, when the going gets tough, I hide out. When one of my stepdads used to beat my mum, when my first depression struck me, when Colin hurt me, I ran away to my dreams and hid and hoped things would pass.

That fantasy world escapes me at the moment. It is like my brain has told me I am on my own for this one. That is never a good thing. Leaving me in charge to sort stuff out is liking leaving a child with a boiling hot pan of water. Some one is going to be hurt.

I can't lie to you any longer. I hate my family. Each and every one of them. There are no provisos to that. No I hate 'em but I love 'em really statements to save my butt from your moral condemnation, Dear Constant Reader.

I will also not lie to you and suggest I am doing anything constructive to get out of here. I am not. I would rather just lie down and die. Fighting would just mean I'd have to face even more reality. And that isn't what I want.

I don't want to have to deal with other people in real life situations. Other people annoy me. Sicken me. I have found few actual like minded individuals in this world who I would want to spend my time with.

The really scare thing is this. I don't have any hope for the future. Not even any desire to hope for the future. No dreams of my Prince Charming. No dreams of being happy. No matter whether I fight or not I can't see anything good coming of it.

Today I want to commit suicide. I don't just feel suicidal. Today I actually am seriously contemplating it. I won't of course. I am a great big coward (and let me tell you that a botched suicide attempt is not fun see Decembers posts of last year) But God. It would be far better to be dead than alive right now.

The thing that really gets me is this: everyone I have ever gone to for help has said "Things aren't that bad" "Things could be worse" "Things will get better in time". Yes I know. But sometimes their perspectives are way bigger than mine. And perspective is the key to this equation.

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