Saturday, November 30, 2002

When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Shopping!

Karen Come Back!!

OK remember I had ordered some clothes from High And Mighty last Saturday? No? Ok well I did. I used my debit card, but foolishly (me being dumb) I put in my new address and not my banking address. So the card was refused. No biggy. I sent an email with my banking address to the nice lady at High and Mighty and everything was going to turn out ok.

So yesterday I hitched a ride to lakeside (a large shopping mall about an hour away in Essex) with Zoe to begin my Christmas shopping, and to get out of this house where I am trapped. We get there. My card doesn't work in the cash machine. Hmmm.... we go and get a KFC.... my card still doesn't work.

Interlude At this point mum texted me to say she has bought me tickets to Avril Lavigne's concert at the Brixton Academy in march..... yay!! Also she gave me the number for Barclay's bank. I phoned em up.

I was quickly put through to fraud!! My card had been stopped by the evil banking overlords. But after much security checks I got it released. Thank the lord!

Thus began a shopping spree. I spent five pounds on cat treats, made an expensive "Santa Baby" cat at the Bear Factory (for mum), bought a dance floor gizmo things for Beth from the gadget shop and a remote controlled buggy from Toy Story for George from the Disney Store (hmm.... my fifth Disney Store of the year!). Anyway I spent way too much time eyeing up guys, talking about (obsessing over) Will Young, and falling in love with disney Store stuff....... (Oh Zoe has bought me a Will Young calender for Xmas.... it was a toss up (calm those dirty thoughts!) between him and Men In Uniform, he won.....)

Got back after braving M25 rush hour traffic, showed Zoe round my new house, went to Spoons with her where we had a meal (Sorry Ronnie!), went back to her house where Jodie (Jody?) did her usual round of questioning ("And is your house on a corner?") and then made the near fatal error of saying "Oh I am going to marry Will Young". Never say that near me! I am his husband to be!! (I wish!) Russell (her boyfriend) saved her by saying "I am sure you would have to work much harder to get him than Jason" Jodie also asked me to give blood. What is it with people asking me to do that?! I can't!!! Grr...

Anyway went back to Spoons and meet up with Becky and Gemma (who work together). Me and becky saw Mat and formed a smaller version of the Eurotunnel posse. Sat down, was accosted by lovely gent (quite drunk, and scary, but sweet) who get asking "May I ask?" questions of Zoe. Me and Becky made mad, drunken plans to move in together in march then explore the world.

Moved onto Leas Club where Becky and gemma left us (Becky in hot pursuit of some man). Saw Sayman and then Zoe gave me a lift home. Has anyone seen MT recently? Am worried I may start going cold turkey soon.....

Thursday, November 28, 2002

There was a boy...... a very strange enchanted boy

Grrr..... that is the best way to explain how I feel today.

Firstly to answer Natalie... I cheat on Stephen, I write about it here on my very easy to find public diary, he doesn't reply to my texts, putting two and two together I got *whispers to someone clever* four!

Secondly... clothes I (impulsively) bought on Saturday still haven't arrived... :o(

I was dropped off in town today by Tony, went and got my Gay Times and aXm (where has Attitude gone?) and wandered into work. As I wandered I realised two things.

1) Walking down Cheriton Road is like walking back through time. Over there was where me and Stephen openly held hands for the first time in public, there was where I used to wait to see the Sixth Former, just down there was where I went to school, just down the road was where I used to walk and ponder my life etc.... And now I don't live anywhere near this place that holds such importance for me. This made me very sad indeed.

2) I had forgotten how much I liked being alone. I spent the 45 minutes walk to work in deep conversation with a me who hasn't seen the light of day in years. Quiet, secretive, kind and gentle Jason. Unopiniated and accepting of all. I have decided to try and be that person again. So real life people if you spot me being i) loud ii) opiniated iii) bitchy iv) drunk slap me and remind me. Oh but I will still be i to iii on here so Nuh!

:o( Grrr.... have written like fifty stories in last week..... this is a sign of deep, deep restlessness... watch this space...

Wednesday, November 27, 2002


I am having trouble getting on to karen's site. Will someone please let me know she is ok? Much obliged.

I am unhappy today (shock horror, get the violins boys!). I have decided to see the Eurotunnel thing out till the end. I might as well. Even tho the job is getting me down.

My house was created for midgets. The bath is like way too small for me to bathe in, the shelves are all like three feet off the ground and door hadles more like 2 and a 1/2. The lights hang no higher than six foot off the ground.... I am going insane here!!

I think me and Stephen have broken up. I am more upset by that than I am willing to let on.

Do you think I should try being straight for a while? It would be so much easier than fighting on. I feel no connection to most people, because I can't understand them. I want to actually have something in common with every one else. Yesterday for instance every five minutes (almost literally) people at work kept coming up to me and going "wanna come give blood on Friday?".

"sorry I can't."

"Oh yes you can! Come one everyones going it'l be a laugh!"

"No really I can't. I am gay, and the homophobic powers that be reckon all gay men are diseased animals. Thus I am banned from giving blood."

"Oh sorry.... erm.... see you later......"

I look at my family, at people I meet, and I just feel so isolated. And I have so far not met any gay guy who either doesn't hate me or doesn't want to have sex with me. I just want a friend, one who understands!! My straight friends are brilliant and really try. But..... oh I don't know I am just speaking jibberish (no change there then)

Right that is it. Shall become asexual hermit refered to as "scary giant guy" by the kids down the road.......

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Do You Want The Good News or The Bad News?

This morning was spent loitering menancingly outside me old house searching for me baby. Didn't find her, went to work, spent day in daze..... Sandrine my supervisor basically told me all the temps will be sacked in a few weeks at the most, but she was doing her best to get me a reprieve (ps this is top secret hush hush the other temps don't know they are about to be fired). So that's the bad news.

Good news. Mum picks me up. "Any sign of me ickle one?" says I (am master of English language). "Oh no". Sad face all the way home. Get home. Who should the twins be violently beating? MY ICKLE BABY!!! Angel is home!! yay!!

I will get back into blog reading tomorrow so expect plenty of comments from me!! And shall go back to OutInTheUK soon.

PS between the hours of 3pm and 7pm GMT on Saturday listen to and hear the wonderful, magnificent radio personality that is.... SAM!! Yay!!

Monday, November 25, 2002

I Want My Ickle Baby

Angel is missing. She never came home after breakfast this morning, and now home isn't home anymore. Arg!! Don't worry while my baby is out in the cold and dark I shall not give up looking for her. It makes me really sad that she isn't here tonight. Hopefully I will have better news in the morrow.

So..... Saturday: I went out the Leas Club with Zoe. Was DISGUSTED to note sexy bouncer was not there for the third week in a row. Did see Ellie tho (yay!) and also there is a new glass collector who is sssooo fine. Mmmm....

Sunday: I went out with Zoe, Little Gem and her boyfriend Simon to Spoons, as Little Gem was 19 yesterday!!

Today: skipped work in effort to find, capture and move my cats. Well 2 out of 3 is at least a start.

Reasons to like new house:

1) Double Bed
2) It's huge!!
3) I share a bathroom only with George.
4) Fridge is BIG!
5) There's an office.
6) There are 4 toilets as opposed to one (broken)

Reasons to hate new house:

1) Where is my baby?
2) It's too big. I have already got lost.
3) I share a bathroom with George (aka James Bond) who is deeply annoying.
4) It is so far from anywhere (especially civilisation)
5) There are four bathrooms.... how will I choose?
6) It's all a bit fancy really.
7) I have counted seven Daily Mail reader types in the local area so far.
8) There are too many boring, posh, heterosexual people here.
9) This house has no character and looks exactly like every other one on this closed off estate.
10) Lympne..... how can any sane person pronounce that as Limb?

Oh by the way.... I am horribly depressed, but now have regular internet access so can bore you all silly with me problems (yay!!)

Saturday, November 23, 2002

I Miss You All Too (and fifteen comments made me very happy!)

Have just spent way too much money at whoops!!

Wednesday..... :o) can you guess what I did yet?

Thursday.... went to Leas Club with Sam...

Friday..... I have no life...... and fell deeply in love with Will Young..... mmmmm.....

Am being naughty and posting from mum's work laptop..... I move on Monday :o( and I think I shall give up work before Christmas.....

Leave me a comment......... see you soon!!!!

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

*sobs* I Miss This :o(

My hits are down, my links are out of date, and my blog is dying. :o( I wasn't feeling too bad about not having internet till I realised my blog is all lonely and unloved. :o(

Firstly Adam please do not suggest we have ignored you!! If you feel this I am sorry. But we always invited you out!! And you never replied!! And *ahem* who is always saying how crap Folkestone is?

OK Wednesday night I... well.... you know...... *wink wink nudge nudge*

Thursday... work was sssooo boring!! Then went out to Leas Club with the gorgeous Becky, who was very upset about the whole Ben thing. Then Robin and Arron joined us. Which was very amusing!! Saw some firemen striking... lazy slobs.....

Friday..... went out to 'Spoons.... was very depressed.... saw Sam, John, Chris, Claire, Zoe and Little Gem.

Saturday..... was bored so got Sam to come over and see me. We went and saved Chris from deep boredom too and headed for McDonalds, Spoons and Gees. Sam departed, me and Chris wandered aimlessly, found our way to Claire's house, went in while they were out, ate their food, watched Beaches..... Claire's mum seemed pleased/shocked to see me there when she returned!! Zoe came and got me and Chris we went to Leas Club where we meet Annie, Ellie and Lauren (triple yay!) and Claire was also there..... was still depressed....

Sunday... nada.... saw brilliant documentary on Spartans... bring back compulsory homosexuality.....

Monday... nada....

Tuesday...... nada...... my blog is gone..... now my life has too!!

Wednesday.... on broadband at Ian's!! Yay!! Miss you all.... leave me a message.... tell your friends to visit..... my hit counter looks anemic.... sell my site!!!!

Love Jae x x

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

False Hopes, and New Hope

Oh dear lord...... my parents have helpfully disconnected our internet line at home. So yes this may be my last post for a while... honest.... I am currently posting from Ian's broadband connection which rocks so, so much. Yay for broadband!!

OK so while I am away I shall get my life together. I promise. I can tell you that unfortunately more temps have been laid off, and in ever decreasing circles the temp plague approaches.

Fireman's strike just started. Blah!! Now remember people don't be foolish and start a fire just to get some cute, young soldiers to come rescue you.... this means you Lu!! :o) Mmmmm fireman and soldiers...... would make a rather good movie (probably not the kind to show you kids but oh well).

Hmm..... may try and convert some innocent straight guys while I am off.... after all the right wing press say there is some kind of gay mafia running the country. I wanna get me some part of that. Just call me Fa' Tony from now. I love sucking on big long things...... (cigars)......

See you soon!!

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Grrrr..... someness......

OK. I am NOT a happy bunny. Not one bit. Disturbed by lack of removal blokes (was hoping for some nice arms or something) I contacted mum to ask her what was going on. "Oops.... forgot to tell you, we're not moving till next week now." Just another way I feel like such a stranger in this house. No one tells me anything.

So I am around for another week... thanks everyone for saying goodbye, (shall need you to repeat that next week) and thanks greg for the post and email.

So went out last night with Elliot, Pete and Zoe. We went to the Leas Club and McDonalds. Oh my god McDonalds chips are horrible now.

I wanna go off and cry somewhere now. Relief mixed with annoyance.

Monday, November 11, 2002

See You Soon?

Dear Constant Reader,

I move house tomorrow. I don't know if I will have web connection there. Erm...... god what would I do without my blog?

So some last up to the minute info for you.....

1) Ben was texted by Becky, "How is life outside Kent going?" "It's great" he text back. Why is he lying to us? I feel for him. Maybe he hates us so much he would tell us such a lie to get rid of us. Or he is messed up and needs a hug.

2) Ah!! My ever changing feelings lead me to say this..... I love Stephen. Somehow, I know that this is, and always has been, meant to be.

3) Am contemplating breaking Ian's heart and telling him that really I can't see him anymore.

4) I really don't want to move. Please God don't let it be as bad as I think it is going to be.

5) I dread each day that I spend with my "family".... I don't know if my friends know how good for me it is when we go out to the pubs and stuff. Thank you.

6) I have begun doing constructive stuff to get me out of here... have begun looking for jobs out side of Kent, and checking out accomadtion prices etc. I am contemplating quitting ET just to motivate me further..... Just my bloody debts standing between me and freedom...

I hope this is "See You Tomorrow" and not "Goodbye". You never know I may get "home" tomorrow and find the computer set up with broadband or something *faintly hopes*

Love Jae x x
Going Where My Heart Will Take Me

Pete phoned me yesterday. And told me he was in Folkestone. Yay!! Promptly Pete and Sam arrived and after surfing the music channels, we headed for 'Spoons where we all ate Burgers, and me and pete downed our pints, at about half one in the afternoon. We then decided to head for Safeway's as Sam needed some shopping, Pete wanted to see Zoe, and I was holding out hope that MT would be there. We returned to Sam's car to find he had a £30 quid parking ticket... tut!!

He wasn't. But we saw Zoe, and then headed off for gee's where I got a pint of Stella for £2.20. Woo!!! After a while Sam disapeared and was replaced by Zoe, and the three of us headed off for Chinese (I think we ate a lot!!). Mmmmm....... we ate chinese round Pete's house while he had Chilli Con Carne on pasta, with cheese (!!!). Pete's little sister was funny, refusing all offers of help with her homework, and I fiendishly swapped my evil phone cover for a nice normal one. She then got out a pic of school, with of course, a pic of MT. I was happy.

We headed for cinema, via Safeway's garage for sweets, where I saw Debbie buying an Observer (her secret shame) but she didn't see me.

At the cinema we bought tickets for Mr. Deeds and sat down to wait for them to let us in, while I made meaningful (non-sexual!) eye contact witht the gay couple across the way from us.

This is where my happy story ends. Ben arrived. Now I was under the impression he was in a different county. Hmmm.... didn't speak to him, but I was just starting to forget my feelings for him, and now they are back, and they hurt. Oh so much.... I have two men yet am still totally lonely, and unhappy.

The film was good tho. "I think you underestimate my sneakiness".

Last night I dreamt about a strange life, a life I will never have and that made me sad too.

I am moving tomorrow, and although I love Folkestone dearly, once I move to Lympne, I think I may go a wandering. I want to get far away from here, and start a new, and meet new people, and stuff.

Ian phones me every day between 10pm and 11pm...... its sweet in a strange, I can't sleep way.

Sunday, November 10, 2002


Twice now Blogger has erased long posts that I try to publish about remembrance day..... here is a short one.....

I salute all those British, Commonwealth and Empire troops who have given their lives so that I can live safely and securely. Thank you. We all owe you a debt beyond comprehension.

I would also like to especially remember the gay men and women who have fought and died for freedom. And the horrors of war. I can easily do this by posting this:


Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

Gas! GAS! Quick, boys! An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime . . .
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues -
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.*

*"It is sweet and meet to die for one's country."

This has made me a republican over night. And this is interesting.

I went out last night with Zoe. Saw Little Gem, found out Becky and her spies were spreading the news about my date, which their observed. Sexy bouncer wasn't at Leas Club and I annoyed every one at gee's with some more quality tunes..... muhahaha...

Saturday, November 09, 2002

I Still Haven't Found What I Am Looking For

What am I looking for? I don't know. But I haven't found it yet. Maybe it's a place, a person, a way of being. But I have yet to find it.

My eye sight has become terrible in the last two days. Is it tiredness? Or will I need to go see an optician? Shall leave it a few days and see.

Hmmm.... more temps have been spirited away from work, ala Ben, without me knowing. Only found out Linda (my partner in protest at the dismissal of Ben) was literally taken away by men in black suits.

Friday, November 08, 2002

Happy Jae

Dear Diary,

Last night, after a day of telling myself off, I wandered into town to see Laura (Lu, back from uni for a day, yay!!). I saw Stacey on the way, who jumped up and down, causing her boyfriend to hide, as she said something along the lines of "Debenhams, Bonanza, Open Till 10". I could barely make her out as she was obviously very excited.

Moving on I got to the Leas Club, meet Laura (yay... again!), Sam arrived (yay!) and it was generally a good night. Me have missed Lu, and Sam.

Ben left town this morning.

Work was ok. I spent day happy. Don't know why.

Hmmmm...... ok seems "The Group" has organised a Secret Santa and yes I am involved. But it would seem they forgot to ask Laura. Me NO HAPPY about this. Hmmm.... I suspect Group Politics at work, and it ain't fair. So I don't know whether to tell them where to shove their obviously cruel Secret Santa. Last year I wasn't even told..... at least this year I was. :o( Huh.... one year I wish people got on. Laura, shall buy you big gift to make up for it. How does Tom Welling* sound?

Note for future: No more sex.

*Please Note Promise Non Refundable, Non Transferable, and Non Applicable.

Thursday, November 07, 2002

Up The Garden Path

Dear Diary,

OK. The da..... meeting was good. And I was invited back for coffee. And we almost actually had coffee. And then.... whoops! It wasn't supposed to happen. It just.... did.....

I am such a slut/slag/whore, who, when given half a chance, will sleep with any man going. That is despite the fact that I could hurt people (emotionally, God sometimes I worry about your dirty minds), and despite the fact that this man obviously wants more (as in, a relationship). His name is Ian.

Oh anyway...... I think we know what I really want, what has triggered this latest slutty stage, who it is who drives me. And I think we know that it just ain't going to happen.

One good thing out of the last couple of weeks is the complements men have been throwing my way, few people other than Stephen call me sexy, but of late have had a few such comments. *feels all fuzzy* I like getting complements if only I could avoid arguing against them "No I am not." "No you are" "No sexy and me aren't real close bedfellows"

Think I am going out with Becky on Tuesday.... hang on..... I am moving on Tuesday..... hmmmm...... :o( Life only gets better.

Notes for future reference..... JUST SAY NO!

*UPDATE* I don't want you to get the impression I didn't enjoy last night. I did. Very much. And I haven't laughed so much in years. Just I feel bad that I am letting my feelings, towards someone unnamed, persuade me to sleep around to make myself feel good, while at the same time I am hurting Stephen. I don't want to do that.

Wednesday, November 06, 2002

Innocent Whistles

Oh twas Guy Fawkes Night last night, fireworks everywhere, and my poor ickle babies were all terrified. awwwww... bless.

I went out with Zoe and Sam (yay!) to the Leas Club, then to Wetherspoons and it was a good night in all. Although I was finding myself attracted to more men then ever before. And I took a note of my fnancial situation, and went "Blah!"

Erm.. how can I put this without sounding like a complete tosser... I am going out for a socialiable meet up with a like minded fellow. No it is not a date. Honest. I mean, I have a boyfriend and would thus never date anyone else.

*turns to cats* I think I pulled it off.... phew......

Monday, November 04, 2002

Not Another One

Thanks everyone for your concern....

Somedays I really don't understand men. First I get back with Stephen, then there the "incident" on Friday and now another man has "come out" and said he likes me. Do you think it has anything to do with the new Calvin Klein "Crave" fragance I wear?

This one I don't know much about so shall avoid details until I know more.... all I know other than his first name and his age is that he is really clever. This is a big turn on for me! (Opposites attract, isn't that what they say? :op) This is very annoying! Where were these two when I was single, hmm? Grr...

I went down to Gees last night with Zoe after Sam gave us the old "have other plans" excuse. We were both really, really bored. Minor highlight was me putting on my usual collection of superb tunes..... *cough*... and listening to the groans, sighs and general "what the fuck is this?" sounds coming from the other people in the bar.... muhahaha!

Going permanent has been postponed till January... this will probably mean I will thus have to leave my job as can't really afford the travel costs. :o( Well the family have won yet again.

My blog is still banned on my other account along with most of your blogs now. Oh happy stuff huh? Sorry if I don't comment or anything... will try to use this account but will probably be told off soon!

I may have to like sell myself just to earn enough money to move out as soon as poss..... hmmm.... *starts spraying on plentitudes of Crave..*

And You Still, After All My Evidence, Think Things Are Getting Better?

YSL Ad... Don't click if you are prudish/at work So the fuss over this latest advert has really got to me. Here we have an erotic, tasteful image being used to sell a product, that let's face it, ain't really evil. And mags refuse to carry it..... grrr...... Yet they carry pics of naked women in the biggest selling newspaper in Britain. What gives?

Is the male penis so deeply ugly that it can't be shown. I think it is wonderful and not something to hide.

See articles here and here.

Sunday, November 03, 2002

The End Of Dreams

My escape route for the whole of my life has been my imagination. Whole worlds where, when the going gets tough, I hide out. When one of my stepdads used to beat my mum, when my first depression struck me, when Colin hurt me, I ran away to my dreams and hid and hoped things would pass.

That fantasy world escapes me at the moment. It is like my brain has told me I am on my own for this one. That is never a good thing. Leaving me in charge to sort stuff out is liking leaving a child with a boiling hot pan of water. Some one is going to be hurt.

I can't lie to you any longer. I hate my family. Each and every one of them. There are no provisos to that. No I hate 'em but I love 'em really statements to save my butt from your moral condemnation, Dear Constant Reader.

I will also not lie to you and suggest I am doing anything constructive to get out of here. I am not. I would rather just lie down and die. Fighting would just mean I'd have to face even more reality. And that isn't what I want.

I don't want to have to deal with other people in real life situations. Other people annoy me. Sicken me. I have found few actual like minded individuals in this world who I would want to spend my time with.

The really scare thing is this. I don't have any hope for the future. Not even any desire to hope for the future. No dreams of my Prince Charming. No dreams of being happy. No matter whether I fight or not I can't see anything good coming of it.

Today I want to commit suicide. I don't just feel suicidal. Today I actually am seriously contemplating it. I won't of course. I am a great big coward (and let me tell you that a botched suicide attempt is not fun see Decembers posts of last year) But God. It would be far better to be dead than alive right now.

The thing that really gets me is this: everyone I have ever gone to for help has said "Things aren't that bad" "Things could be worse" "Things will get better in time". Yes I know. But sometimes their perspectives are way bigger than mine. And perspective is the key to this equation.
Today is the last day of silly blog posts with spelling errors, bad grammar and hasty remarks. I started this blog in the hope of improving my writing skills, as my paper journal was becoming a total illiterate jumble.

From now on I shall think before I post. I shall pay attention to how I express myself. I have the freedom of expression, so I may as well use it properly.

No it doesn't mean I will become one of those blogs where either they don't actually tell you anything as they beat around the bush with long words, and phrases. Nor does it mean I shall become one of those blogs which say they are being open, yet become rather closed over details of their emotions and other peoples lives.

This is meant to be a truthful journal of my thoughts, feelings and interests. I shan't edit out truths. Just tell you about them with more description and less fluffy statements.
Love Shack by the B-52s is on. Made me smile a little. *is a little old place where, we can get together*

I HATE MY LIFE. But don't know what I can do about it.

Saturday, November 02, 2002

Oh My Good Lord. My own blog has been banned. This is ssssooo wrong on so many levels. I was all happy (almost anyway) then I saw that and thought "Joy, Tony strikes again." On a similar note..... today marks the 10th anniversary of the first time I met Tony (at Charing fireworks). I was more interested in pestering Melly-Mels for burgers.

I went to Leeds Castle fireworks (with zoe, Little Gem, and kerazy Lauren) which rocked, loud music, and loads of groovy fireworks! yay!! I am very sorry that people were hung drawn and quartered... but hey we celebrate their deaths in style!! And Reena was there.

I love fireworks, and Melly I miss having you there with me. You were such a fireworks obsessive!! I love you Melly-Mels.

What? Why are you looking at me like that? No I was not thinking about him. Honest guv. OK so I was. So shoot me. I have been thinking about Stephen just as much (which is deeply confuzzling). Can't a boy have his cake.... and eat it?
I must apologise for being such a miserable bastard. I do try and smile sometimes. Very occassionally *wane smile*.

Oh had massive hangover all day at work, had none of my usual crew to talk to, and to top it off my brain decided to dwell on the "fun" subject of Ben. I thought I was over my little infatuation. I don't know whether you thought that, but I did. I was wrong. And I shouldn't be infatuated with anyone other than Stephen. And specially shouldn't be infatuated with someone who also has a boyfriend, and is well out of my league.

He leaves town for good in a couple of days. Once he is gone I will get over this. I am very fickle.

On other note.... Sister Mary matthew ius very very clever!! We love him!
So I went out clubbing last night. I met Ben and becky (who was an hour late) in Spoons, Ben was deathly quiet as always (I am quite sure he like loaths me.

Anyway had drinks and stuff, Az and Rob turned up, and sat with us, while Smiley Laura sat on other side of Spoons trying to hide form me. How crurel.

We went and got some money out in town, and got a lift with Terri to the clubs. Got there, got bored quickly, I hate clubbing so much, became miserable bastard as becky dragged me from the Beach to Indigo and back. Did dance for a while when I got particularly drunk. Becky and Rob, after much beating round bush, got it on,, which made me and Ben physically sick. Then Rob came over to me, and asks. "Do you like Ben?" "No" I lie. "Well apparently he likes you." Now I wish people didn't say things like that. It gets my hopes up, and I am not going to think of anything else all day.

And why would Ben like me? He can't do, so Rob must have got it wrong, so why did Becky tell him that? And if ben did like me, why did he need to say that after I got back with Stephen?

Oh I hate this. Am still drunk so this post sucks, gotta go work now.

:o( All confuzzled.

Friday, November 01, 2002

hmmm.... I am a member of OutInTheUK. I had many chat buddies who I would normally laugh and joke with. But since I told 'em I got back with me boyfriend, they have gone off and said "That's real nice. Bye". Now I ask you, this is exactly why I don't get on with many gay guys. Sex is very important. But friendship is good too. Why can't they go after sex, yet settle for friendship if the other party ain't interested? Shallow bastards.

Oh I snuck off with Reena at lunch (in her fabtastic car, if she was a man I would so want her!) to the Terminal to the perfume shop to buy stuff in the staff sale. The entire call centre had the same idea. So after a bit of a scramble with my "collegues" (was every woman and gay man to themselves) I came away with: for me Calvin Klein Crave, which is ssssooo gorgeous, and for Ben Hugo Boss (tis his leaving gift). Got 30% discount. Muhahaha!

While there I went to Pete's WHSmith's. I bought axm. At the till this girl looked at me. She went into "tall daze". This is where someone is so brainless that my height overpowers their senses and renders them catatonic. She stood there unable to move or talk for a good 15 seconds, had to put my mag through 5 times before she got it right, each time stealing glances at me, then couldn't count out change, and then had the cheek to say... "Cor, you put me off you did." ME?! She is the insanely stupid girl. Not me!

Hmm.... me had no lunch.... me hungry man rarg.....

OK so what happened on Guy Fawkes night then... hmmm? (Well done to Matthew for getting the name... I do believe he possibly went to one of those "What happened on this day?" places... if you didn't why do you know all that about November the 5th?). Spirited guesses from Elliot and John. John have got a free condom with me Crave... as its give John presents day I think I shall give that to you! Yay!!

I went round Zoe's last night to watch a very scary movie indeed. Ice Age. Chilling. It was that or Crossroads, but Zoe said that was just way too terrifying.

I have been thinking about Stephen a lot. That can only be a good sign.

Good try there Natalie, but no. Any other thoughts on the significance of November the 5th. Hint: it has something to do with King James I (IV). Or should that be Queen James considering his great liking of his footmen and I'm not talking paternal love here. Oh and his wife was 6'8" tall, so yah for her as well!!

If the words "In our new house....." are muttered once more I shall go quite insane. Tony last night just tried to wind me up by going "We exchange contracts tomorrow" I could see by the glint in his eye he was only doing it as he KNEW it'd hurt me.

Oh dear. I just realised what a terrible, unintentional joke I made at the top of this. I apologise.