Saturday, September 29, 2012

I Had Sex With Older Men, And Don't Regret A Thing (Except Perhaps Lying To Them)

Hello Dear Constant Reader. It's been quite a week of news stories about young victims of sexual abuse. I want to put scare quotes around that as some of these victims still don't see themselves as such.

The chattering classes are up in arms in disgust at these disturbed adults preying on children, and the newspapers are full of disapproving stories about these "so-called relationships".

Just to bring a little bit of balance to this debate, I thought it was time to share my story.

I sometimes see pieces by homophobes on how older men abusing young boys is the main cause of homosexuality. That is certainly not how things went for me.

I lost my virginity to someone my own age who went to my school. I've never written about that because I do not wish to "out" him as he identifies as straight. I was 14. After that little event I was emboldened.

Now I am furiously shy. I still have issues with going up to the counter in a shop to ask for things. Yet when it came to sex, I was not backward in coming forward. My audacity seems alien to me now. I was very quickly arranging meets with men on newsgroups and going to cruising areas to pick up guys. Though I wasn't quite as gigantic as I am now, I was still extremely tall for my age and was able to pass myself off as 18. The men who I had sex with never realised I was 15/16. I feel a bit guilty now, for putting them at such risk of prosecution in my pursuit of sexual gratification. I was a horny teenage boy and I apologise. But I had fun, everything was done at my behest, I was always the instigator. Often, being the taller partner, I was the dominant one.

Yet many in the supposedly liberal media would say I was a victim of abuse, raped even (a disgusting misuse of the word that insults those who are forced or coerced into sex). Given the age of consent was, until I was nearly 18 myself, 18 my first proper boyfriend who I began dating when I was 17 and he was 18 was also guilty of breaking the law. But according to many my love for him was just a silly childish emotion and not real love. He was, as far as they are concerned, my abuser!

Rape is rape. But the age of consent is a ridiculously random thing. Are we to believe that somehow on my 18th birthday I was going to suddenly be able to more maturely handle sexual affairs? If someone is one week off their 16th birthday nowadays, are they completely without the right to engage in sexual acts they can freely have a week later?

I'm not suggesting dumping the age of consent nor even lowering it (when is too low or too high? It is a nigh impossible question). But please stop suggesting those below the age of consent have no ability to enjoy sex nor to feel "real emotions". That teenage love is somehow not "real love" is one of the most heartless things I've seen of late in the media. The love you feel as a teenager is one of the most powerful emotions known to our species.

We need to protect children from harm. People in positions of responsibility do have a responsibility to avoid sexual contact with those under their protection. But let us remember children should have rights too, and before we label them victims we need to ask them first.

If you feel benevolent and particularly generous, this writer always appreciates things bought for him from his wishlist

Wednesday, September 12, 2012


Today marks 8 years since Jim and I had our first date. 8 years since my life changed forever.

I love Jim, though being rather "British" I don't show that as much as I should. I love him more than I realise sometimes. He is the most caring and thoughtful man anyone could ever hope to meet who has broadened my horizons (from San Francisco to Bangkok) and made me ever so slightly more mature than I was before. He has made me a better person.

And now here we are living with Ian, Ayden and Mr Gibbs The Bearded Dragon. My life is now more complicated than I thought it'd ever be but also way more interesting.

Thank you Jim for putting up with me for all these years, I know it's taken a great deal of patience.

:) Here's to many more years of me leaving rubbish in annoying places so that Jim can pick up and give me evils...

If you feel benevolent and particularly generous, this writer always appreciates things bought for him from his wishlist

Friday, September 07, 2012

The Mother-in-Law and the Step Son

I never liked my step Dad. We just never connected. I know some of that was based in my own selfishness and dislike of change when Mum and I initially moved in with him but it goes without saying we didn't get on.

Never being someone who wanted children and, believing (rather naively) that as a gay guy the chances of ending up with someone with kids were minimal, I never gave much thought to the scenario that I, one day, might be the evil step Dad myself.

Life definitely has a sense of humour. Jim's son Ian has moved in with us and we're currently looking for a school place for him. He's a good kid but it is still a major change to our lives (for him and us!). It is going to be interesting to see how things evolve and what impact they have on my outlook. But I have promised myself that if I end up being the most ineffective step-parent in history, I'll at least try not to be the most hated. Must not be evil!

Jim's Mum is visiting us this week and I've been off work ill the last couple of days. I love Jim's Mum, she is quite amusing and very kind-hearted. But if she talks about dinner one more time I may loss it. If she is not cooking our dinner, she is planning it and if she is cooking it she is constantly asking what time we want it and if we want this or that in it. Whatever we decide she'll then spend an hour discussing how wrong we were to decide it but it was our choice and we'll just have to live with it... AND IT GOES ON. Over DINNER.

Jim and I's usual approach to dinner is to work out what we want 30 minutes before we eat it. Sometimes Jim might have an urge to cook one of his extraordinarily good dishes (paleo chicken curry being my favourite!) and spend a bit more time doing it but it is not something we spend all day talking about and this dinner obsession is driving me around the bend.

Please stop her.

In other news... Ayden is still looking gorgeous.

If you feel benevolent and particularly generous, this writer always appreciates things bought for him from his wishlist