Sunday, October 27, 2002

I blog because I am unhappy. It is as simple as that. The day I become satisfied will be the day I stop doing this.

I wonder if you know what its like to feel suicidal all of the time? Since the age of 14 I have halfheartedly attempt suicide (as am big wuss) about twice a year. Last year I took a very large overdose. This year I did something different (a change will do you good yadda yadda) and ran away to Europe for a couple of weeks (half hearted yet again Jason, naughty boy!). Today I feel suicidal. And this is because of Mum and Tony. Usually I try and blame something else. The weather. Steps splitting up. Mental imbalance.

But today I can say that I have been contemplating suicide as I can't stand it here anymore. And knowing there is nothing I can do about it which isn't very drastic is even worse.

I love a lot of my life right now. I have lots of friends. I have a job... with prospects. Money is coming in. But the most important thing in my life, my home, is missing. No I didn't lose it down the back of the sofa (at least I hope not). All I want is to come home and not feel unwelcome, insecure, and alienated. I want to not fear coming home. I want to leave work, and smile instead of leaving work and desperately wanting to claw my way back in again.

What I really wish is that for one day I could smile and mean it. I could feel wanted. I wish for one day I only met nice people who smiled and joked and were highly random.

What I really wish is that I had a home.

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