"Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like home"
Madonna "Like A Prayer"

*screams*

Each May half term until Melly died, I used to go stay with Big Dad (my maternal grandfather) and my uncle Derek in their derelict house in Suffolk. It was like my holiday away from all my stress' and psychosis'. Sitting in Derek's room, watching film after film, feeling safe and protected, or rummaging through some flea market, it was so nice. Derek (my idol, I kind of hero worship him) has moved away to uni in Manchester and Big Dad is as always the family pariah who I am banned from visiting. This means that I can no longer go do this.

I really need a break like that, filled with fun, peace, just relaxing, chilling. This week I am too poor to really do anything about my situation (I am an 1/8 of the way towards paying off my debts after less than two weeks!!!). Next week I will have enough money to pay off another installment to Pete (50 quid!!) and my rent and have enough (finally!) to do something random. As yet unplanned to asure some randomness!! And I am going to have fun.... and plenty of it. Anyone wanna come along for the ride. I am thinking London here.... or if someone with a car wants to come.... Paris (I get you across the channel for free!!)..... just a day of fun tho.... work is kind of important as I have debts to pay!!

LATER

Just wierded myself out by searching for my old newsgroup posts from 1998/9. Oh I feel awful now.... it is like looking through a window and seeing a stranger doing something really stupid and I wanna bang on the window and shout "Stop!! You will regret it!!"... but no matter how hard I try the stranger won't stop....

As you can probably tell my newsgroup messages were "slightly" more important than normal random ones.... mine lead to events I still don't speak about.. maybe I should but I don't and seeing them made me... scared? Petrified? These words don't really cover it *readers look confuzzled (my new favorite word)* Trust me this is not something you would understand and I don't want you too... please remember this is my journal and not everything I write needs an explanation.

Going to go to bed now, cover my face with a pillow, and hope..... note to self DO NOT LOOK INTO YOUR PAST AGAIN!!!!