Saturday, April 06, 2002

Guess What I Realised

I am back. A bit early but I’ve sorted out some problems.

For about four years I kept a written diary which I finally gave up in Rome, I decide I’d focus on my blog. But I lost sight of the fact that this is my journal. I tried (and failed) to put interesting things in, to add snazzy features like Bloglet, Bloghop, and some silly pictures. But that’s not how my journals are. This blog has been consistently badly written, my journals never were. I should have been recording my feelings not events especially meaningless ones.

So I have begun the process of returning to a pure journal format, in fact I might turn it into a private blog, I don’t know yet. What I do know is I shall be returning to a far simpler format. My links will stay, plus Blogsnob and my message board. But don’t expect it to be exciting or even interesting. This is to be my personal journal. I won’t avoid offending people, I won’t be tactful, I shall be frank about how I’m feeling, truthful about my depressions, realistic about my joys.

After I saw the Sixth Former on Friday I went back to reading my journals, and realised how much emotion there is in the words I wrote then. I re-read my blog and found nothing but pitiful teenage angst.

I haven’t really seen my mum, properly, this year. You know we’ve kind of drifted apart. So Friday when I wasn’t feeling too good I decided to treat her and spend some quality time with her. We had a curry, watched Charlie’s Angel’s and laughed and joked together like we used to. I’d missed that. We had 13 years where I never had to share her. Then along came Tony and the twins, and suddenly my mum was gone. I love having her back even if it is just one night of the year.

God I miss having some one to love like I loved Colin. I miss cuddles, I miss watching a movie with someone I love, and (this ones strange) I miss not having sex. I mean its good and all that but relationships are so much simpler when its just cuddling and watching movies now aren’t they? How is it that I have so many nice friends and family, yet I still feel so deeply lonely and confused?

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