I have just come back from buying some more paper for the printer. I had quite a shock on the way back.After a brief chat with Sally, a barmaid at Gee’s, in Cross’ I set off on the two minute walk to the hotel. I spotted a guy about 50 metres in front of me.
Gosh, I thought, he’s cute. Well I didn’t think anything so innocent but you get my drift. I couldn’t quite shake the idea I knew him from somewhere, maybe a guest, maybe he goes down to Gee’s a lot, then I thought maybe he went to the Harvey (my old school). As I got closer I realised who it was. My heart skipped a beat, I had butterflies in my stomach, I felt “giddy”, and that is the only way I can describe it. The actual feeling is far less easily described.
I felt like screaming, or crying, or running, or jumping. Something to express the strength of my emotions. Who was this boy you ask? It was my God, the Sixth Former. Before I saw him, way back when, I was a hard line Conservative, Hetrosexual, who thought unrequited love was something that didn’t happen in real life. Then he changed my life.
I digress, he saw me and said hi. I couldn’t reply just waved an acknowledgement and walked on, trying to act normal. I assume he recognised me as the boy who followed him around the school all that time ago like some lost puppy. I’d forgotten how much he (the fictional he that only exists in my mind that is, I don’t know him really) means to me. How powerful my feelings for him were (and now are).
I remember the first school half term after I first noticed him. I felt almost physically ill knowing I wouldn’t see him for a while. I remained lovesick all holiday. Then there was the time I was delivering papers in Lynwood, and who should open one of the doors to get the paper. Him. I nearly keeled over dead there and then only managed to remain standing by leaning on my bike.
People out there will put it down to a crush. It probably was and is. But if you could just feel for a second what I feel right now, then you’d understand. It’s the best and the worst feeling of my life. I can’t function now I know he is back in town.
I have never loved anyone except him. No one else has ever caused me to feel like this. No one ever will. Now I’m off to go try and return to normal. I must forget about him or I might not make it till the summer. I might just go mad.