Tuesday, May 28, 2002

Another Set Back

Warning the following may well be incoherent, however, I understand it.

“Young hearts be free tonight
Time is on your side
Don’t let them put you down
Don’t let em push you around
Don’t ever, ever, let them change your point of view”
Rod Stewart

As always one of my infamous depressions has descended like a dark cloud. Each time one arrives it breaks down my spirit just a little bit more. They used to herald what are I know as Changes, such as me discovering my sexuality, or the time I ran away. Now they only herald sadness, and a terrible loneliness.

I try to remember the last time I was really happy and that was the summer before Melly got sick. I was in the closet but happy about it. I liked having my secret life, sleeping around with guys I didn’t even know the names of, having a house so full of life, be it from Melly-Mels, Debbie-Debs, Christine, Kelly or mums random boyfriends. Tony had moved out, I was FREE. I had no need for money, no want or worry.

Now look at my life. I am poor (I still refuse to touch my savings), Tony lives with us again, Christine is running off to Australia, Melly is dead, Debbie is still in mourning for her mum, Kelly was fired when the kids started school. No more do I wake up to find a Dutch soldier waiting for me to give him my blessing for being my mum’s boyfriend (he felt he should ask me, the man of the house, I was so pleased!!), no more do I wake up in some house in Whitstable or Maidstone after my mum’s friends parties, no more do I have to explain the mess in my bedroom to Kelly on the morning after the night before. I am not me anymore. I am a boring shadow of who I once was, with no prospects in love or wealth. Mum has returned to her depression again.

It’s like the God’s struck down all those who I loved and took me to a new level of living Hell.

And despite the year that has gone by I still miss Melly so much, maybe more than I did the day she died.

So right now I sitting at home, listing to the tapes that Eden made me long ago and trying to think of what needs to be done to make my life better again.

“If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I’d take back all the words that hurt you
And you’d stay”
If I could turn back Time – Cher

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