Monday, October 27, 2008

Who Am I?

So there I was cyber stalking MT (Facebook is my friend [privacy settings cannot stop me...], I was thinking he'd probably aged badly... how wrong could I have been!), when I suddenly started getting nostalgic about the "olden days". And I don't mean about school (which I hated) nor do I mean my social life (which was great don't get me wrong). I mean about who I used to be. My inner self. I know that sounds incredibly like "up my own arse", pop psychological nonsense but how I am now inside my head is totally different to how I was then.

I spend my entire life thinking about the mundane. Be it thinking about catching a train, or answering the phone at work, or what I'm going to blog about tonight (not on this blog of course, I just make this stuff up as I go along... ;) ). How's that different to before, I hear you cry? When I was a teenager, I was a dreamer. I spent my time dreaming, imagining. And I'm not talking practical dreams, I'm talking imagining scenarios just for the sheer fun of it. Dreaming of a different world, just to pass the time. Entire series of movies played out in my head in the ten minute walk from school to my house. Or maybe, if I was thinking of real things, I'd be digesting the latest political story I'd read in the paper or pondering on my latest obsession (or MT, my constant obsession... sorry Jim, I love you! But I'll never stop fawning over my favourite football player...). I just don't do that anymore.

I tried giving myself some time at lunch today to let my mind run wild but found it had become very difficult not to think about money, or work, or the journey home. I've gotten rusty.

I think the problem is, I never give myself any free time. I'm always on my laptop, or listening to a podcast, or talking to someone. I never have quiet time to myself, just to ponder. I used to love my long walks around Folkestone, that was when I could truly let my mind run free. Maybe I should start getting off the tube early on the way to work and walk the rest of the way iPod free. Because I really miss dreamy Jae. He's much less boring that I am.

2 comments:

  1. Sorry to be the one to state the obvious here, but could it not just be the fact that your all grown up now ( and i use that term loosely around you ;-) ). Its easy to let your mind wander when the most important thing you have to worry about in your life is wether to put sugar on your frosties or not. Adulthood brings responsibility, worrying about money, work and a million other things. Dont get me wrong, I think its a complete crock, and I'd rather not have to worry about such things, but this is the rat-race after all, and in my experience its not something thats easy to get out of.

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