I've just realised I haven't told you something Dear Constant Reader! And well I need to get some thoughts down as well so now is probably the best time to let you know.
Last week I decided to leave my job. And to ensure that I actually went through with it (you know my usual half baked, never see through planning style) I told everyone. That way it'd be more embarrassing to stay.
I first thought I was leaving the job because I hated it. But that's not true. I hate the person I've become while doing the job (and sadly outside of it).
There are things I liked about myself that I've lost in the last two years. I never used to swear. I'd swear occasionally but only if very angry. It was a good warning system for those who knew me that now was the time to leave the immediate area. Now I swear far too much. It's very unpleasant. I don't like it.
Then there is the selfishness that pervades the environment I work in. I don't think it's unique to the company I work for, but something universal across all corporate office environments. People are there only because they want to be richer. End of. Money has never been my favourite thing. In fact, money and I haven't been on speaking terms for some time. I feel this selfishness breeding in me. I ponder my next pay rise, wonder about the next promotion and even sometimes feel jealous of those who are doing “better” than me.
Don't worry Dear Constant Reader I haven't completely gone down that road just yet. Those are but fleeting emotions at the moment. My main emotions are still amusement watching these wannabes and gladness that it isn't me having to brown nose. I am still Jae after all!
But I don't want to go any further towards becoming a corporate drone with no soul. Life is short and I've got things better than money to hold my attention.
And being in customer services yet again has driven my internal hatred of others to new and terrible depths. I'm glad I've been able to get out of thinking everyone is better than me. I know that is absolutely not true. But now I'm heading away into thinking everyone is worse than me. I get really stressed in public places because of “the idiots” who can't walk properly, can't talk properly, can't etc...
I need to get into a job where I am helping others, learning to like other people again, learning that not everyone is scum.
I have realised several things about myself thanks to the last two years:
1)money doesn't entice me that much. Give me a pay rise, it will make me happy for a day. It doesn't have a lasting affect.
2)Promotion is not something I care about. I think I've let myself fall into the same trap that forced me to accept a place at university; the feeling that I am on a conveyor belt heading in one direction and I just have to stay on board. We are all brought up to believe that moving up the career ladder and earning more money makes you a better person. It doesn't. Money doesn't make me happy, and I'd rather be a better person than a better employee.
3)The only thing that will make me happy at work is making others feel good about themselves. I can't feel happy when being overtly selfish. My brain points out the selfishness of what I am doing and ruins it for us both. So the only way to be happy is to help others, thus tricking my brain into thinking it is being selfless while actually only doing it because it makes me feel good. Mwhahahahaha. Jae 1 Brain 0
4)I truly hate consumerism. The whole thing smells. I don't want to be part of it anymore. I hate people wanting, wanting, wanting. I hate having to be nice to rude people. I hate having to put up with people saying stupid things and not correcting them because I want their money. Also, as a sidenote, I really must stop reading moany blog posts about bad customer service as it makes my blood boil and makes me just want to shout “It's a bloody
So this week I write a Plan (Amaechi inspired. Must not read autobiographies, they give me ideas) about what I want to achieve with my life, and how I want to achieve. I don't want to sell my soul (mainly because I've already sold it to Elliot for 5p many years ago) just to make ends meet.