Monday, April 09, 2007

Phase 1

I've just realised I haven't told you something Dear Constant Reader! And well I need to get some thoughts down as well so now is probably the best time to let you know.

Last week I decided to leave my job. And to ensure that I actually went through with it (you know my usual half baked, never see through planning style) I told everyone. That way it'd be more embarrassing to stay.

I first thought I was leaving the job because I hated it. But that's not true. I hate the person I've become while doing the job (and sadly outside of it).

There are things I liked about myself that I've lost in the last two years. I never used to swear. I'd swear occasionally but only if very angry. It was a good warning system for those who knew me that now was the time to leave the immediate area. Now I swear far too much. It's very unpleasant. I don't like it.

Then there is the selfishness that pervades the environment I work in. I don't think it's unique to the company I work for, but something universal across all corporate office environments. People are there only because they want to be richer. End of. Money has never been my favourite thing. In fact, money and I haven't been on speaking terms for some time. I feel this selfishness breeding in me. I ponder my next pay rise, wonder about the next promotion and even sometimes feel jealous of those who are doing “better” than me.

Don't worry Dear Constant Reader I haven't completely gone down that road just yet. Those are but fleeting emotions at the moment. My main emotions are still amusement watching these wannabes and gladness that it isn't me having to brown nose. I am still Jae after all!

But I don't want to go any further towards becoming a corporate drone with no soul. Life is short and I've got things better than money to hold my attention.

And being in customer services yet again has driven my internal hatred of others to new and terrible depths. I'm glad I've been able to get out of thinking everyone is better than me. I know that is absolutely not true. But now I'm heading away into thinking everyone is worse than me. I get really stressed in public places because of “the idiots” who can't walk properly, can't talk properly, can't etc...

I need to get into a job where I am helping others, learning to like other people again, learning that not everyone is scum.

I have realised several things about myself thanks to the last two years:

1)money doesn't entice me that much. Give me a pay rise, it will make me happy for a day. It doesn't have a lasting affect.
2)Promotion is not something I care about. I think I've let myself fall into the same trap that forced me to accept a place at university; the feeling that I am on a conveyor belt heading in one direction and I just have to stay on board. We are all brought up to believe that moving up the career ladder and earning more money makes you a better person. It doesn't. Money doesn't make me happy, and I'd rather be a better person than a better employee.
3)The only thing that will make me happy at work is making others feel good about themselves. I can't feel happy when being overtly selfish. My brain points out the selfishness of what I am doing and ruins it for us both. So the only way to be happy is to help others, thus tricking my brain into thinking it is being selfless while actually only doing it because it makes me feel good. Mwhahahahaha. Jae 1 Brain 0
4)I truly hate consumerism. The whole thing smells. I don't want to be part of it anymore. I hate people wanting, wanting, wanting. I hate having to be nice to rude people. I hate having to put up with people saying stupid things and not correcting them because I want their money. Also, as a sidenote, I really must stop reading moany blog posts about bad customer service as it makes my blood boil and makes me just want to shout “It's a bloody ! If you wanted it to work like that you should of made it yourself, stop complaining and relying on other people to serve your every want!!” Communism was bad, but it had some up sides.

So this week I write a Plan (Amaechi inspired. Must not read autobiographies, they give me ideas) about what I want to achieve with my life, and how I want to achieve. I don't want to sell my soul (mainly because I've already sold it to Elliot for 5p many years ago) just to make ends meet.


  1. Jae,

    A search on "Consumerism" led me to your post/ blog. You have written about Money, Consumerism and Happiness. In this context I want to post a part from my article which examines the impact of Consumerism and Industrialization on our minds and environment. Please read.

    The link between Mind and Social / Environmental-Issues.

    The fast-paced, consumerist lifestyle of Industrial Society is causing exponential rise in psychological problems besides destroying the environment. All issues are interlinked. Our Minds cannot be peaceful when attention-spans are down to nanoseconds, microseconds and milliseconds. Our Minds cannot be peaceful if we destroy Nature.

    Industrial Society Destroys Mind and Environment.

    Subject : In a fast society slow emotions become extinct.
    Subject : A thinking mind cannot feel.
    Subject : Scientific/ Industrial/ Financial thinking destroys the planet.

    Emotion is what we experience during gaps in our thinking.

    If there are no gaps there is no emotion.

    Today people are thinking all the time and are mistaking thought (words/ language) for emotion.

    When society switches-over from physical work (agriculture) to mental work (scientific/ industrial/ financial/ fast visuals/ fast words ) the speed of thinking keeps on accelerating and the gaps between thinking go on decreasing.

    There comes a time when there are almost no gaps.

    People become incapable of experiencing/ tolerating gaps.

    Emotion ends.

    Man becomes machine.

    A society that speeds up mentally experiences every mental slowing-down as Depression / Anxiety.

    A ( travelling )society that speeds up physically experiences every physical slowing-down as Depression / Anxiety.

    A society that entertains itself daily experiences every non-entertaining moment as Depression / Anxiety.

    Fast visuals/ words make slow emotions extinct.

    Scientific/ Industrial/ Financial thinking destroys emotional circuits.

    A fast (large) society cannot feel pain / remorse / empathy.

    A fast (large) society will always be cruel to Animals/ Trees/ Air/ Water/ Land and to Itself.

    To read the complete article please follow either of these links :




  2. Anonymous2:28 pm

    If that's how you feel about it, it's a wise and brave step to get out.

    Your work should make you feel good, I think. I myself like it when my work makes me feel that I've done something good - be it for other people, the company, or myself. I don't care for promotions and money that much, but when I've done something of which I feel it has been good, I feel that I should get some sort of reward for it (that doesn't have to be a financial reward).

    Oh, and about Consumerism - I love it. Sorry for that ;)

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