Three Weddings and a Punch Up

Brain dump ahead.

Thursday evening and a work night out. Got a taxi through the City to Shoreditch. The City is a gorgeous place in the evening. The architecture is amazing isn't it? Got to Shoreditch, and had a quick drink in the Lounge Lover bar. It's a very expensive, overly showy bar for the Wannabes (I'll explain later). After that we all moved on to Les Trois Garcons which is a very expensive, very kitsch restaurant which is part of the same business as Lounge Lover. The story behind it is a story of love. Long story short, this is the first restaurant in the world to be inspired by a spit roast. Nuff said. The food was awesome, and the wine and champagne flowed freely as it was my managing directors wedding celebration meal. Had a laugh, even if certain things were playing on my mind and not allowing me to relax. Service exquisite. Then back to the Lounge Lover before a taxi home.

Friday caught a train with Jim to Westenhanger. Mum was getting married!!! she had finally agreed to marry Tony. The service was held in Folkestone registry office and was great. There was only a few of us (the Twins, Jim, Martine and Nick, Nan, Billy and Fran and Rhys). Almost everyone laughed and smiled their way through the brief but slapstick ceremony. Jim and I were the witnesses (how grown up!!). We then retired to Mum's house for a small buffet and some bucks fizz with a few neighbours. Very low key, VERY CLASSY, and extremely happy. Just the way a wedding should be. After the brief celebrations were over the above named, minus Nan, headed up to Harlow and the Premier Travel Inn.

We checked in, and Jim and I had a double room. We've been in a few hotels before and nothing has ever been said but this time we got a polite but embarassing "You do know that's a double as in..." receptionist raises her eyebrows suggestively. "Yes I know!"

We quickly made ourselves comfortable in the bar and was joined by David and his mate Tim. David was getting married in the morning!! Needless to say several people got rather drunk and after having a nice if embarassing meal (the men of the family learing and cat calling at every woman in sight) we fell out in the car park where several teenage boys were waiting for taxis. The boys quickly swooped to my side to question me aboutm my height and they were generally friendly. However being experienced in the ways of chavs I understood this to be a sounding off. They were checking to see my suitability for possible fighting. They bored of me as they realised I was not fighting material (i.e. there was no way in hell they'd get me into a situation where they could start one!). Seeing that Jim was completely pissed I decide to remove him from the situation as to avoid him being mouthy and getting into trouble. I thought Mum and Martine would get their families and do the same. I fell quickly into a deep sleep in my comfy hotel room and forgot about the outside world.

Saturday morning... there was a missed call from Mum at 1am in the morning. I phoned her to see what the problem was. "there's been a fight". Now having correlated the various versions of events here is the definitive report.

The Kay family are stupid!!! A 17 year old boy (CHILD!) got out of his fiesta. Tony made some unnecessary remarks about this (suggesting it was a crap car). The kid became offended (strange huh?) and Mum got bored of listening to him so covered the boys mouth with her hand (clever move, that'll calm him down). He called Tony a fat cunt and David thought the kid had made the remark about Martine (who is David's sister). David moved Mum aside and began laying into the kid. (David is a large man and this kid was by all accounts small). Nick began to calm the situation, and things may have ended there. Now the teenagers who I had meet were at this time destroying a car around the corner. They must of heard the commotion and decide a fight was a fight. They came running around the corner and knocked Tony and David to the ground kicking and beating them severely. Mum and Martine through themselves over the men to protect them, while Tim and Nick tried to calm things down again, while spectators from the bar came and stared at the fiasco. The boys eventually left and ambulances and police were called. Tony had a bad head wound that was treated and David was a little worse for wear having been booted in the face.

Jim felt we should have been there to protect the family. I do not agree. In fact I think that my family were 1) STUPID TO HANG AROUND OUTSIDE A PUB AFTER MIDNIGHT WITH CHILDREN STILL WITH THEM, 2) were slow to spot obvious warning signs of approaching trouble I picked up within five minutes of being outside. 3) escalated the trouble by not knowing how to avoid OFFENDING people. and 4) were guilty of believing they were going to be able to beat up someone who is far fitter and younger than themselves. Note to family. Your time is past. You are old men now not boys. GROW UP! Anyway next time I shall do my family duty and remove everyone (children first) when I next spot trouble.

Anyway after listening the stories we headed to Waltham Abbey for the most boring wedding ceremony I've ever had to attend. Yawn. Then lots of staged photographs. How common. Yawn yawn yawn. Then off we headed to the ponciest hotel in the world in a small but boring village off High Wych. It was a Wannabe sort of place and the bride's family were Wannabe sort of people. They made us wait two hours there before a standard, not so amazing meal and some tedious and unamusing speeches. Dull dull dull. They made the children eat chicken nuggets and chips rather than the wedding food, which was an obvious cost saving measure which just went to show the whole premise of the wedding was not about celebrating the love of two people but about making a big poncey show of things. Some drunks at the bar (including the brides brother) made homophobic comments about me and Jim (and would have been pulverised if I wasn't so darn well mannered) and the bride upset her new step daughter. The Kay family retreated to a far corner and settled down, attracting to us other non scary members of the party fleeing the disco and the bitchiness of the brides relatives.

Wannabes. Listen up! I come from an incredibly poor family. I was lucky and became part of an incredibly wealthy family. I've seen how both sides live. They live in exactly the same way. Wealthy or poor most people have fun by going out down the pub, having family BBQ's and doing relatively normal things (although the rich sometimes do this from the comfort of their Costa Del Sol villas and yachts). The middle class Wannabes think that poncy places such as Lounge Lover and the hotel in High Wych are places to go. They think this will impress people. It doesn't. It shows you haven't got enough money to afford true luxury and class, and haven't enough brains to enjoy yourself and let yourself go. It shows how boring and tasteless you are.

Anyway I'm now home, safe and sound and so glad to be back in Greenwich!!!!