What Is Meant To Be, Will Be

Prague rocked my socks (see them rock here: http://www.jniven.com). So lovely. I really didn't want to come home to reality!

Am I happy at mo? Hmm.. hard to say. I'd have to say I'm "content". Not quite happy yet. Still living at home, still in a dead end job (although bonus is I'm really good at said job, and it pays well!), and still looking for something. If only I know what I was looking for!

Going out with a guy named Jim, see previous post. He is lovely. Have an iPod courtesy of said Jim. That too is lovely. Erm... still friends with "that lot" and still plotting to take over the world.

Just Keep Swimming

Life is going pretty swimmingly at the moment.... right now I'm sitting in Jim's flat in Greenwich. About to head out to the cinema to see Saw up in the Galleria in filmworks. Tomorrow I fly out to Prague.

All is right with the world.

All The Things I Did

This journal is now over 3 years old! Amazing! A couple of weeks ago I spent a little time reading some of the archives, and finally I felt justified in keeping a diary. I can look back and remember stupid, funny incidents which normally would have disappeared into the mists of memory. I can remember feelings, places and people that have since passed. I'd just like to say (and I know most of my regular readers have moved on now) thank you very much for coming along for the ride!

I have begun a process of printing my blogs, every single one of them, just so that I have a written, hard copy of everything. That way whatever happens, and considering if I move out I'll be dead poor and not have a computer, I'll be able to look back and smile, cry and laugh!

Things I've been up to... trips to London (as if that'd change), visits to doctors and soon a hospital visit, been to wedding reception, Lib Dem meal and all sorts... all fun... I'm still here. 3 years and I'm still being random. At least somethings never change!

Hmm... the best laid plans and all that!

So the plan for yesterday went something like this in my head:

Go watch the Pride Parade and listen to speeches by such heroes of mine as Ken and Peter Tatchell. Then briefly pop into Big Gay Out and see Ste, then head on my lonesome to Gay Shame to have some fun.

The reality:

Got to London, and instead of going to the parade (you know, the bit that means something) I headed straight to Liverpool Street Station and met up with Ste, his boyfriend Scott and a guy named Pete (someone Ste was also meeting for the first time from Gaydar or somewhere). Went to Ste's flat and drunk lots, while Scott, Pete and I made fun of him,. He he...

Then we caught a bus, got lost in Finsbury park (don't ask!) and finally made it into the Big Gay Out. We did some shopping (I got a rainbow teddy who I have named Pride), and Ste and Pete bought leather collars with rings on (those for the uniniated are for their leads). On the bus I had started to like Pete, personality wise that is. Similar politics and life outlook. But when he put that collar on.... I realised just how GORGEOUS he was in his black hoodie, jeans, with oh so cute slightly messy black hair.

It didn't take me long to realise that when Ste had said a few days ago "Oh and a mate called Pete is staying over... and thats all I can say about that" he meant to say "A mate called Pete is coming over to get in a threesome with me and Scott". Which stopped me liking Pete so much.

Anyhew. Ste's mate Keith showed up followed by a guy named Nathan and some cute guy I forget the name of. They were all boring. Really boring. Or maybe thats me just being bitter. :os

Then Ben showed up, which was a marvellous surprise of funness! Or... not. Bless him, but he just reminds me of what I'm not: sexy, short, cool, can fit in with gayers. :o) I do love him tho (as a friend people!)

Then... Sam Fox came on stage and I went mad.... I LOVE HER! She has been my idol since i was 2 (no lie!). Ran up to stage with a camera and my camphone and started clicking away, singing and dancing.

Thats the only good thing that happened all day.

Tried to kill myself through Pops dance routine with a plastic bottle, but Pete wouldn't let me as he said he need me to kill Peter Andre when he came on stage. Also saw McFly, Natasha Bedingfield, Sugababes, and many other crap bands...

Made my excuses and left early, which seemed to upset Ben and Pete. Not in a grumpy way, but they seemed sad to see me leave.

Missed out Gay Shame, although did help a drunkern cute guy get to Leicester Square... my good deed for the day.

Jae Is Losing The Will To Be Gay

Hmm... the best laid plans and all that!

So the plan for yesterday went something like this in my head:

Go watch the Pride Parade and listen to speeches by such heroes of mine as Ken and Peter Tatchell. Then briefly pop into Big Gay Out and see Ste, then head on my lonesome to Gay Shame to have some fun.

The reality:

Got to London, and instead of going to the parade (you know, the bit that means something) I headed straight to Liverpool Street Station and met up with Ste, his boyfriend Scott and a guy named Pete (someone Ste was also meeting for the first time from Gaydar or somewhere). Went to Ste's flat and drunk lots, while Scott, Pete and I made fun of him,. He he...

Then we caught a bus, got lost in Finsbury park (don't ask!) and finally made it into the Big Gay Out. We did some shopping (I got a rainbow teddy who I have named Pride), and Ste and Pete bought leather collars with rings on (those for the uniniated are for their leads). On the bus I had started to like Pete, personality wise that is. Similar politics and life outlook. But when he put that collar on.... I realised just how GORGEOUS he was in his black hoodie, jeans, with oh so cute slightly messy black hair.

It didn't take me long to realise that when Ste had said a few days ago "Oh and a mate called Pete is staying over... and thats all I can say about that" he meant to say "A mate called Pete is coming over to get in a threesome with me and Scott". Which stopped me liking Pete so much.

Anyhew. Ste's mate Keith showed up followed by a guy named Nathan and some cute guy I forget the name of. They were all boring. Really boring. Or maybe thats me just being bitter. :os

Then Ben showed up, which was a marvellous surprise of funness! Or... not. Bless him, but he just reminds me of what I'm not: sexy, short, cool, can fit in with gayers. :o) I do love him tho (as a friend people!)

Then... Sam Fox came on stage and I went mad.... I LOVE HER! She has been my idol since i was 2 (no lie!). Ran up to stage with a camera and my camphone and started clicking away, singing and dancing.

Thats the only good thing that happened all day.

Tried to kill myself through Pops dance routine with a plastic bottle, but Pete wouldn't let me as he said he need me to kill Peter Andre when he came on stage. Also saw McFly, Natasha Bedingfield, Sugababes, and many other crap bands...

Made my excuses and left early, which seemed to upset Ben and Pete. Not in a grumpy way, but they seemed sad to see me leave.

Missed out Gay Shame, although did help a drunkern cute guy get to Leicester Square... my good deed for the day.

For God So Loved The World He Gave Us Porn

Hmm... in agony over allergy related rash at mo.. it's a "nettle rash" which does pretty much that... stings like a nettle! All the time! Ouch!

After an end of week trip to High Wycombe to see my wife, Laura (older readers may remember we married for a toaster), I am totally exhausted... I designated yesterday as a rest day... thus I didn't go to sleep till 2am as I was busy watching straight porn... very amusing stuff...

First off... the SeX Files. Hilarious, about Grogan family video stores where if you buy a video from them, you'll start have near constant sex. Alien conspiracy to take over the world obviously, and not just a feeble excuse for porn! Men very sexy, and confirmed I am 100% gay. Second was the amazingly poorly named Erotic Time Machine 2. Hmm.. needs more muscle!

Bizarre but true, Jae spends entire evening critiquing porn that doesn't really turn him on. Silly boy!

Jae's Grand Tour 2004

As readers may know, I often set aside weeks where I just.. do stuff. Like the this week and last week. I have never been to or through London so much! I am sure I've started to leave a Jae-feet shaped trail between Charing Cross and Soho. Monday I went up to London and meet a guy I've been chatting to for two years. A S. He was far cooler than I had expected, really interesting, and we hung out in Retro, Ku Bar, the Edge and finished off the evening clubbing in Heaven.

He lives in Docklands.. last few weeks of my life have had a Docklands/DLR theme... he he... Yesterday was spent having a pleasant day in East London, chatting, eating and then travelling home.

Do I have to go back to work? Wish I could find work closer to London/Brighton and that is interesting.. and preferably really homosexual! :o)

I shall not be going to Gay Pride this year. 3 reasons: 1) all my exs will be there, I'll be bound to bump into one, and that isn't something I'd want. 2) I have no one to go with this year... and 3) it's sooooo boring! Instead I have purchased tickets for Gay Shame. Cos it looks more fun (it has a radical knitting circle. Need I say more?)

Also been chatting with ex (I just can't bring myself to say his name any more, seems fairly pointless), which has made me realise something. He's a great guy, I'd like him as a drinking buddy (I think friend is a bit too much of a statement). But he is so arrogant, and dull. And I think, although it hurts me to say this, it was a good thing he dumped me. I have taken off my rose tinted glasses, and seen that the six months I was with him were hell, that he treated me badly, and the only thing that stopped me from dumping him during that time was that I didn't wanna be lonely.

Of course I still live in fear I'll end up lonely forever... but if I keep on putting myself out there, meeting new people, living a little, then someday I might meet the one who will sweep me off my feet and live contentedly ever after.

New Kids On The Block Had A Bunch Of Hits, Chinese Food Makes Me Sick

Dear Constant Reader,

Oh you're a sly one aren't you? You worm your way back into my system so easily! God darn you! :op I am getting a cam phone today, and will thus be using this as a photo blog as well as a normal one! Exciting stuff!

I will be putting my links up soon, I'm half way through checking them. It's good to see some of the old hands still about. And sad to see some of my absolute fave sites are no longer around.

Why am I back here? Because 1) it constitutes nearly a fifth of my life!, 2) using some smoke and mirrors I shall try and keep my mates from reading this, 3) I've mised ya!

What have I been up to? The usual; random dates, MT stalking, working hard *cough*, and even a visit to Sheffield to see Pete and Chris.

Oh and I plan to move to Brighton shortly. FUN!

Oh Gorgeous Blog Of Mine

Dear Constant Reader.

Today is my 21st birthday. This is my 736th post to this blog. We are both getting old!

Things have changed. As always I stand a bit like a rock in river *islands in a stream....* remaining mostly unchanged as people and places pass it by.

I still wear the same clothes I always have. I still like the same things I always have. I still have that bloody unshakeable stupid belief that one day I will fall in love and someone WILL fall in love with me. Everyone else seems to move on, get better, and most importantly seems to have someone fall in love with them.

I'm not bitter (much :op).

People tell me to do something about it. So I do... I go out and do stuff, I make new friends, find new places. But that only seems to ostracise those I left behind, the very people who told me to get off me bum and do something!

People say they have fallen in love with me, but in the end they never have. It's like it's ok to mess with my head as I'm pretty simple and gullible.

I have found my truth. And that is I don't wanna change. I want to find someone who likes me just the way I am. I wanna keep on living and never settle down.

I wanna touch the stars, feel the surf round my feet, I wanna see things, do things, be me!

I have decided to stop worrying so much. I am me. I have a huge number of people who call themselves my friends. People who when I pay them a visit seem totally overjoyed to see me. People really like me. And I love them.

To be honest, as they'd say in Rock Profile, "sometimes I think the whole world is mad, and we're the only sane ones".

click *turns on the light*

*wanders round as he talks cleaning dust off links, and straightening the pictures*

Hello old friend. Anything changed in my life? Erm.... go on guess.....

No.

2004 seems to be just an extension of the end of 2003. I don't like it one bit.

Cuddles

Jae x x

Step Into The Light

I started this blog as I was nervous about starting at Brighton uni. I was nervous about flying the nest. Since then it's gone through a lot with me... Uni, attempted suicide, my jaunt to Europe, my Faulty Towers episode, unemployment, the Hardc0re 3, Eurotunnel, my crush on Ben, the end of mine and Stephens relationship, the transfer to Three Valleys, the wasted six months with Gareth, the new depression, various fucks and fuck ups, 2 and a half years of my life.

But it's time to put it to rest. It'll be a silent death.. no one reads it anyway! I'll miss you Dear Constant Reader. You've been my companion as I tried to better myself. And failed.

I bid ye farewell, safe journey. Don't forget to turn off the lights on your way out.

Same Story

I got my "Thanks but no thanks" phone call from Mark today. I kinda guessed.. I think I have a sixth sense for this kind of thing.

Oh well... I give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elsewhere

I don't know. The census reveals some crazy stuff.. not least: this. 39,261 households are occupied by gay and lesbian couples.. hmm.... doesn't quite ring true to me. Asking whether someone is gay or lesbian is a lot better way of finding out sexualities of households than asking "What is the relationship" of people in the property. As our census choose to do... stupid! If you want a stupid answer.. ask a stupid question. If you want a clear answer.. ask a clear question!

almost starting to make some progress: here. But do you honestly believe we will??

Don't Worry, Cos I'll Always Be There For You

Why do I not publish on here so often?

Because I have found livejournal, which offers more choice, ease of access, and sense of community than blogger.

I find that by making my posts friends only, I can continue to be completely indiscreet, while ensuring I hurt no ones feelings in doing so.

I suppose I worry now that this blog and my openness on it has harmed relationships and could well do so again.

DOn't get me wrong I'll still post on here... but LJ has now become my main outlet... and of course your all free to add me as LJ friends and I'll add you... well 99% of you... :op

Hey You With The Pretty Face

Sorry to have neglected you all.

Things that have happened...

meet a guy named Nick in Ashford who had slept with Stephen...

slept with Mark...

still miss you know who... I make myself sick sometimes...

found out one of my mates at work was a member of the BNP.... excruciating choices to be made next week

am off to Hatfield in the company of Homophobic Idiot from work... who still doesn't know I'm gay. Joy.... all for a an induction day (I've been there a bloody year!)

went out with Zoe and Ray last night... saw Little Gem...

am suprisingly chirpy at mo... off out to girls and boys in Canterbury with him tonight..

Mr Blue Sky

Firstly it's Holocaust Day. Let us all remember the horrors the human race can inflict upon each other. Guardian piece

Secondly...

I have been dating a guy caled Mark for last week and a half... meals, drinks and a panto. He is very nice. Will keep you posted.

Work continues pretty much the same... having resigned from floorwalking I am pondering moving on. Today Angela shocked me by going "this really isn't a job for men". I looked at her and told her she was speaking tosh. "Well I can tell you aspire to more Jason, although you'd never admit it. And you need a lot more, or you get bored"

"Angela", I said, "I sincerely hope everyone here aspires to more than this miserable existence!"

But that's Daily Mail readers for ya isn't it!

Family life.. after the shock of affairs and the evils of Beth things go along pretty much as usual.

"Even though you fool your soul,
Your conscience will be mine"

I resigned from floorwalking today... I just couldn't hack it anymore..

I am still alive,.... just focussing on my livejournal at mo. Most entries are secured only for "friends" (that;s anyone who asks!)

A Revelation

As you may or may not know, I am always one to try and get my beliefs out of tension. Basically this means making sure that all my beliefs are squared up across the board, and complement each other.

I will admit now that I have always had a general bias against Israel. I always have.. I've just seen it as a symbol of opression and all that is wrong with the world. But... oh dear God I about to say something that I shall be strung up for... my opinions have finally shifted.

My opinions of countries are becoming more and more influenced by their treatment of homosexuals and other sexual minorities. Israel has a far better record than any of the Arab countries around it, and than the Palestinian Authority.

I have been reading many articles about the origins of the Israeli state and the creation of the Palestinian refugee problem. Today I watched "Days That Shoke The World" which details May 14th 1948 the day of the declaration of Independence. Very inspirational. So I promise to be a lot more tolerant in my personal views about the Israel-Palestine conflict. So ner!

And interesting Guardian articles:

What's Love Got to Do With It? and

The roadhog right cannot deny it: speed cameras work. Speed cameras are a subject I am particularly moved by... if you break the law, and you are stupid enough to be caught (fools!) then you should pay the price... full stop. Either don't break the law (cos you could run over someones child, a crime far worse than most I can think of) or don't get caught and keep stum about your criminality... (cos if you don't you deserve to go to prison simply for being a plonker).

Prospects? Nah, not round here...

Watched documentary last night about the famine in Ethiopia. Very moving. Glad there are people out there who can be bothered to do something about it. Unlike me. Cos, well, I'm a lazy prat.

Also read this. Ditto above statement.

Erm in personal life. Arranging dates left right and centre (good non sexual, proper ones before Zoe tells me off!) but really I should be getting to grips with how I'm feeling instead of filling my time to avoid confronting my emotions. Obviously I won't... but I really should...

PS would someone rich and famous come marry me and take me away to a castle in the sky? Come on... you know you want to.. look I'll even settle for Johann Hari here... yes the Independent columnist... No, I wasn't reading the Independent.. never... honest... eek... *runs away*

Right To Reply

Ok. Here goes....

Firstly, I really am not a fan of Kilroy's.

Secondly I don't believe what he said to be right

Thirdly racism is deplorable.

But...

1) All this fracas over an article in the Express is a bit strange. Racists have a right to freedom of speech. I know that hurts... but they do! We have to beat them, by winning the argument, not by stiffling it and sending it underground!

2) Arab countries (not peoples) have a lot of human rights abuses to consider and amend, (like most nations!). I, obviously, am particularly interested in gay rights and the extreme lack of them in these nations! They deserve a better apology from Kilroy, then they can apologise to all the people they have hurt, and we can all have a group hug.

3) Its the Express... who reads that???

4) kilroy is a prick... I think this goes someway to explaining his article.

Anyway.. enough chat... back by popular request... the male body...

Mmmm...

Needles In My Eyes

I did go to my arranged meeting with a bloke in town. Ended up in a hotel, having sex. Raised my spirits for a nanosecond. On way home train didn't stop at Westenhanger like it was supposed... grr... had to go to Ashford and change there. Double grr... with a cherry on top.

Back to work today. It's really not what I need right now. But life seems to go on regardless of feelings.

At home, alone on a Friday night. Not one text to my phone since Zoe asked me what the closest tube station to the science museum was.. I advised South Kensington.. hope I am right!

In better news have been invited to a party tomorrow night round Patricia's for her birthday.. got proper invite and everything.. says Jason and Guest. Laughed at that. Not in a happy way tho.

My temper is very short at mo. That is not a good sign based on past experience. Had a go at STUPID woman yesterday who was standing pointlessly in middle of path and kept getting in my way each time I tried to get round her. She looked pretty shocked. Good. Please note this was the only path for miles around, in the middle of nowhere... she had to go out of her way, to be in anyone elses!

Where Did I Go Wrong?

Went out last night with Zoe, Ray and John to see LOTR at Ashford Cineworld. Was cool.

I've lost my way again. Going from one sexual encounter to another, my faith slowly disappearing.

I'm so lonely. I know it'smy own fault. But that don't change how I feel, does it?

I have to be honest with ya. I starting... thinking.. about.... suicide. Only thinking mind you! Life is crap. Life will always be crap. I don't deserve any better.

Now I am going to go and get myself fucked by some bloke, who I don't know, hoping maybe that he'll cuddle me for a while, and make things better, just for a few hours.

And The Answer To Our Question Was:

I have been undertaking a very shallow and totally empty survey. Who is sexier gaydar guys or OUT guys. Few various meetings, chats and browses I can say without a doubt... that the OUT guys win! Well done.

Now I feel totally devoid of everything at mo. That's the only way of describing howI feel. I am managing to fill my time with meaningless sex. Which is great sex, but leaves me feeling cold nevertheless. No smile seems to reach my eyes. No laugh warms my heart. Even a nice, long, hard shag hasn't managed to cheer me.

I am more lonely than I've ever been before.

Dear Constant Reader

Happy New Year!

My NYE was rather random. Well what else would it be with me involved! I had been invited to a do in London, but I said no as I thought my mates were all down and we'd probably go out somewhere. When it dawned on me on NYE that I was the only one with out plans I was rather annoyed! I went to work at midday and we were released early at 3pm. I was so happy. Rosanna, David, Charlie, James and I headed to Brickfields. Charlie spent the next hour persuading me to go to London and to a club called Slimelight with her. I rather reluctantly agreed.

After a rushed trip to my house so I could get dressed more appropriately (black, black, black, black) we caught a train from Westenhanger. We sat in first class carriage, with no problems.. have to do that more often! Got to Waterloo East, hung round Waterloo, got a text from a guy and started thinking about going with him instead... it was your usual Slimelight/sex conundrum. We headed on the tube to Charing Cross to meet Charlies mate Sarah. After we met her I decided to make my move. This annoyed Charlie a lot. Sorry!

Anyway had a wonderful evening, and got home around 10 am NYD. Still would have been better to celebrate with my mates but oh well!

Spent whole day on net NYD making new friends... he he... NYD night was about to get to sleep when I got a phone call. Guy anted to meet up with me. Have arranged meeting for Tuesday

After work Friday I went to Brickfields for a collegues leaving do... crappy service!!!!! Food took forever! Then Mum came picked me up and did a handover to Zoe and Ray when we got to my house. Went to Leas Club where John was waiting for us. Little Gem appeared with some guy called Dave (?) from my school... I put on lots of music, Zoe gave me a lift home.

Just a few minutes ago my mum came into my room and goes:

"I have something to tell ya"

"What??"

"I have been having an affair for 4 weeks"

Jae bursts out laughing.

"It's not funny! At least call me a tart or something!"

It was amusing tho... I feel bad for Tony, I can imagine how he must feel. Poor bloke. But still on Mum's side very amusing... what is she like??