But I don't have the right to be with you tonight

Life is shit.

After the horrible pain of yesterday, my love hurt has become a dull pain. Which is far worse. It hurts and yet a part of me doesn't want the hurt to go because it feels that if I stop hurting, I'll somehow lose a part of what I had. If that makes sense?

Went to work today. Cancelled my holiday. Gave away my other ticket to the Xmas do. Generally put on a smiley face and pretended there wasn't a big black hole in my head.

Mum came home today. Don't know where she's been for the last six days. She gave me a hug, first hug with my mum in many a year.

Do you know what's really horrible? It's the fact I wanna text/phone him and go "God I feel crap" or "I need a hug". And sometimes I even reach for the phone to do so, before my brain reminds me that I can't. That he isn't my boyfriend. And then that opens up the whole "I ain't ever gonna get a hug from him again" can of worms. And I don't think I have the time to write about that!

Life is, as always, shit.

PS thanks you everyone who has phoned/texted/messaged/commented it means a lot to know I have some good mates and has really helped keep my chin up a little. big hugs and don't worry about me, you know how melodramatic I am, I'll sort myself out, just gotta move on. Even if I don't want to. :o(