click *turns on the light*

*wanders round as he talks cleaning dust off links, and straightening the pictures*

Hello old friend. Anything changed in my life? Erm.... go on guess.....

No.

2004 seems to be just an extension of the end of 2003. I don't like it one bit.

Cuddles

Jae x x

Step Into The Light

I started this blog as I was nervous about starting at Brighton uni. I was nervous about flying the nest. Since then it's gone through a lot with me... Uni, attempted suicide, my jaunt to Europe, my Faulty Towers episode, unemployment, the Hardc0re 3, Eurotunnel, my crush on Ben, the end of mine and Stephens relationship, the transfer to Three Valleys, the wasted six months with Gareth, the new depression, various fucks and fuck ups, 2 and a half years of my life.

But it's time to put it to rest. It'll be a silent death.. no one reads it anyway! I'll miss you Dear Constant Reader. You've been my companion as I tried to better myself. And failed.

I bid ye farewell, safe journey. Don't forget to turn off the lights on your way out.

Same Story

I got my "Thanks but no thanks" phone call from Mark today. I kinda guessed.. I think I have a sixth sense for this kind of thing.

Oh well... I give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elsewhere

I don't know. The census reveals some crazy stuff.. not least: this. 39,261 households are occupied by gay and lesbian couples.. hmm.... doesn't quite ring true to me. Asking whether someone is gay or lesbian is a lot better way of finding out sexualities of households than asking "What is the relationship" of people in the property. As our census choose to do... stupid! If you want a stupid answer.. ask a stupid question. If you want a clear answer.. ask a clear question!

almost starting to make some progress: here. But do you honestly believe we will??

Don't Worry, Cos I'll Always Be There For You

Why do I not publish on here so often?

Because I have found livejournal, which offers more choice, ease of access, and sense of community than blogger.

I find that by making my posts friends only, I can continue to be completely indiscreet, while ensuring I hurt no ones feelings in doing so.

I suppose I worry now that this blog and my openness on it has harmed relationships and could well do so again.

DOn't get me wrong I'll still post on here... but LJ has now become my main outlet... and of course your all free to add me as LJ friends and I'll add you... well 99% of you... :op

Hey You With The Pretty Face

Sorry to have neglected you all.

Things that have happened...

meet a guy named Nick in Ashford who had slept with Stephen...

slept with Mark...

still miss you know who... I make myself sick sometimes...

found out one of my mates at work was a member of the BNP.... excruciating choices to be made next week

am off to Hatfield in the company of Homophobic Idiot from work... who still doesn't know I'm gay. Joy.... all for a an induction day (I've been there a bloody year!)

went out with Zoe and Ray last night... saw Little Gem...

am suprisingly chirpy at mo... off out to girls and boys in Canterbury with him tonight..

Mr Blue Sky

Firstly it's Holocaust Day. Let us all remember the horrors the human race can inflict upon each other. Guardian piece

Secondly...

I have been dating a guy caled Mark for last week and a half... meals, drinks and a panto. He is very nice. Will keep you posted.

Work continues pretty much the same... having resigned from floorwalking I am pondering moving on. Today Angela shocked me by going "this really isn't a job for men". I looked at her and told her she was speaking tosh. "Well I can tell you aspire to more Jason, although you'd never admit it. And you need a lot more, or you get bored"

"Angela", I said, "I sincerely hope everyone here aspires to more than this miserable existence!"

But that's Daily Mail readers for ya isn't it!

Family life.. after the shock of affairs and the evils of Beth things go along pretty much as usual.

"Even though you fool your soul,
Your conscience will be mine"

I resigned from floorwalking today... I just couldn't hack it anymore..

I am still alive,.... just focussing on my livejournal at mo. Most entries are secured only for "friends" (that;s anyone who asks!)

A Revelation

As you may or may not know, I am always one to try and get my beliefs out of tension. Basically this means making sure that all my beliefs are squared up across the board, and complement each other.

I will admit now that I have always had a general bias against Israel. I always have.. I've just seen it as a symbol of opression and all that is wrong with the world. But... oh dear God I about to say something that I shall be strung up for... my opinions have finally shifted.

My opinions of countries are becoming more and more influenced by their treatment of homosexuals and other sexual minorities. Israel has a far better record than any of the Arab countries around it, and than the Palestinian Authority.

I have been reading many articles about the origins of the Israeli state and the creation of the Palestinian refugee problem. Today I watched "Days That Shoke The World" which details May 14th 1948 the day of the declaration of Independence. Very inspirational. So I promise to be a lot more tolerant in my personal views about the Israel-Palestine conflict. So ner!

And interesting Guardian articles:

What's Love Got to Do With It? and

The roadhog right cannot deny it: speed cameras work. Speed cameras are a subject I am particularly moved by... if you break the law, and you are stupid enough to be caught (fools!) then you should pay the price... full stop. Either don't break the law (cos you could run over someones child, a crime far worse than most I can think of) or don't get caught and keep stum about your criminality... (cos if you don't you deserve to go to prison simply for being a plonker).

Prospects? Nah, not round here...

Watched documentary last night about the famine in Ethiopia. Very moving. Glad there are people out there who can be bothered to do something about it. Unlike me. Cos, well, I'm a lazy prat.

Also read this. Ditto above statement.

Erm in personal life. Arranging dates left right and centre (good non sexual, proper ones before Zoe tells me off!) but really I should be getting to grips with how I'm feeling instead of filling my time to avoid confronting my emotions. Obviously I won't... but I really should...

PS would someone rich and famous come marry me and take me away to a castle in the sky? Come on... you know you want to.. look I'll even settle for Johann Hari here... yes the Independent columnist... No, I wasn't reading the Independent.. never... honest... eek... *runs away*

Right To Reply

Ok. Here goes....

Firstly, I really am not a fan of Kilroy's.

Secondly I don't believe what he said to be right

Thirdly racism is deplorable.

But...

1) All this fracas over an article in the Express is a bit strange. Racists have a right to freedom of speech. I know that hurts... but they do! We have to beat them, by winning the argument, not by stiffling it and sending it underground!

2) Arab countries (not peoples) have a lot of human rights abuses to consider and amend, (like most nations!). I, obviously, am particularly interested in gay rights and the extreme lack of them in these nations! They deserve a better apology from Kilroy, then they can apologise to all the people they have hurt, and we can all have a group hug.

3) Its the Express... who reads that???

4) kilroy is a prick... I think this goes someway to explaining his article.

Anyway.. enough chat... back by popular request... the male body...

Mmmm...

Needles In My Eyes

I did go to my arranged meeting with a bloke in town. Ended up in a hotel, having sex. Raised my spirits for a nanosecond. On way home train didn't stop at Westenhanger like it was supposed... grr... had to go to Ashford and change there. Double grr... with a cherry on top.

Back to work today. It's really not what I need right now. But life seems to go on regardless of feelings.

At home, alone on a Friday night. Not one text to my phone since Zoe asked me what the closest tube station to the science museum was.. I advised South Kensington.. hope I am right!

In better news have been invited to a party tomorrow night round Patricia's for her birthday.. got proper invite and everything.. says Jason and Guest. Laughed at that. Not in a happy way tho.

My temper is very short at mo. That is not a good sign based on past experience. Had a go at STUPID woman yesterday who was standing pointlessly in middle of path and kept getting in my way each time I tried to get round her. She looked pretty shocked. Good. Please note this was the only path for miles around, in the middle of nowhere... she had to go out of her way, to be in anyone elses!

Where Did I Go Wrong?

Went out last night with Zoe, Ray and John to see LOTR at Ashford Cineworld. Was cool.

I've lost my way again. Going from one sexual encounter to another, my faith slowly disappearing.

I'm so lonely. I know it'smy own fault. But that don't change how I feel, does it?

I have to be honest with ya. I starting... thinking.. about.... suicide. Only thinking mind you! Life is crap. Life will always be crap. I don't deserve any better.

Now I am going to go and get myself fucked by some bloke, who I don't know, hoping maybe that he'll cuddle me for a while, and make things better, just for a few hours.

And The Answer To Our Question Was:

I have been undertaking a very shallow and totally empty survey. Who is sexier gaydar guys or OUT guys. Few various meetings, chats and browses I can say without a doubt... that the OUT guys win! Well done.

Now I feel totally devoid of everything at mo. That's the only way of describing howI feel. I am managing to fill my time with meaningless sex. Which is great sex, but leaves me feeling cold nevertheless. No smile seems to reach my eyes. No laugh warms my heart. Even a nice, long, hard shag hasn't managed to cheer me.

I am more lonely than I've ever been before.

Dear Constant Reader

Happy New Year!

My NYE was rather random. Well what else would it be with me involved! I had been invited to a do in London, but I said no as I thought my mates were all down and we'd probably go out somewhere. When it dawned on me on NYE that I was the only one with out plans I was rather annoyed! I went to work at midday and we were released early at 3pm. I was so happy. Rosanna, David, Charlie, James and I headed to Brickfields. Charlie spent the next hour persuading me to go to London and to a club called Slimelight with her. I rather reluctantly agreed.

After a rushed trip to my house so I could get dressed more appropriately (black, black, black, black) we caught a train from Westenhanger. We sat in first class carriage, with no problems.. have to do that more often! Got to Waterloo East, hung round Waterloo, got a text from a guy and started thinking about going with him instead... it was your usual Slimelight/sex conundrum. We headed on the tube to Charing Cross to meet Charlies mate Sarah. After we met her I decided to make my move. This annoyed Charlie a lot. Sorry!

Anyway had a wonderful evening, and got home around 10 am NYD. Still would have been better to celebrate with my mates but oh well!

Spent whole day on net NYD making new friends... he he... NYD night was about to get to sleep when I got a phone call. Guy anted to meet up with me. Have arranged meeting for Tuesday

After work Friday I went to Brickfields for a collegues leaving do... crappy service!!!!! Food took forever! Then Mum came picked me up and did a handover to Zoe and Ray when we got to my house. Went to Leas Club where John was waiting for us. Little Gem appeared with some guy called Dave (?) from my school... I put on lots of music, Zoe gave me a lift home.

Just a few minutes ago my mum came into my room and goes:

"I have something to tell ya"

"What??"

"I have been having an affair for 4 weeks"

Jae bursts out laughing.

"It's not funny! At least call me a tart or something!"

It was amusing tho... I feel bad for Tony, I can imagine how he must feel. Poor bloke. But still on Mum's side very amusing... what is she like??

What A Random Day

I was very bored yesterday, my brain was going numb. So I caught the train into town, which was much busy. So decided to go to Canterbury. Pete replied to my offer of free meal and train tickets and off we tottered to Canterbury on the train.

As our train pulled into Canterbury East it went just a tad too far... stranding everyone for a little while as there was no station to get off on to!!!! We headed into town, bought stuff (The Craft, Chicago) and then had a meal at Bar 11, where cute blonde bar man was working... mmm... Had Thai Green Curry, which was FAB!

Returned home, watched some Chicago and then it was off out again. Off , in fact, to Skuba. Lee finally realised I was gay which was scary! Started asking me rather intimate questions!!!!! Ben arrived. Good to see him. He told me some home truths which made me feel a lot better about how this year has turned out. Then we were joined by long missed Becky and Terry along with Becky's much not seen boyfriend Mark, who was cool. Drunk lots, chatted more. Sorry I missed ya at Leas Club Zoe but time just went by so fast!

Anyway Becky and Mark went home, and me and Ben (being gentlemen of the highest degree) accompanyed Terry to Mustangs so she could meet up with her mates. Got some after hours drinks.. mmm... Then me and Ben tottered off down to the Front as it was open till midnight. It looks cool, but I still can't get over it being the Oddfellow Arms. Those were the days!

Got home via muchos expensos taxi. Ouch! With a capital O!

Overview

Xmas happened. Family came over. I got presents. I ate lots. Just your regular run of the mill Christmas. Went out with Laura, Matt, Pete, Zoe and Ray to Gee's on Christmas Eve.

2003: The Wasted Year?

I had written a very hatefilled post looking back over the year. But as often happens my optimism and willingness to believe in fairytales came back to me, and I deleted that draft.

I have wasted 2003. Spent 6 months of it with someone who, in the end, didn't love me. Spent the other six months being nice to people who didn't deserve it and being nasty to others who didn't deserve it either. In fact 2003 is the year I most regret so far.

So 2003: trips to London, Brighton, Sheffield, Canterbury and even Planet Thanet; the start of new friendships and the beginning of the end for others. A boyfriend, an ex and some other randoms; a new shallowness touching my soul.

2004. Assert Jaeness over all parts of life. Find someone who actually loves me. Find some gay mates who will actually be there for me. Move out. Take no more fucking shit from anyone. Too long. I shall not allow people to walk all over me.

The barriers I'll break them down
I'll prove myself, I'll stick around
I'll get through it all somehow.

We Remember

We're Going Through Changes

Sunday Matt phoned and saved me from myself. We went out and about had lunch and bought stuff. Got his present. Also bought myself books including my fave "The Picture of Dorian Grey" by Oscar Wilde. I sold my last copy in Rome.

Monday nothing much happened.

Tuesday had a team meal at Morehall pub organised by myself. Had loads to eat. Secret Santa got me a big bottle of Stella and some chocolate. Obviously he had read my list! Also got a Justin calendar from Stacey.. mmmm....

that night went down Gee's and saw Zoe, John, Elliot, Matt, Pete, Claire, Kim, Adam, Sam, and Smiley Laura. Twas quite a crowd!!!!! Had lots to drink. Presents: Zoe got me a big keg of Stella and a Will Young calendar... mmmmmmmmmmmmmm........ Zoe's parents got me a box of chocs, Elliot got me Flight of the Navigator, John got me a Cardigans Album, Claire got me some choc. Cheers guys! Twas also Adam's birthday!

Today.. finished work at 12, got promised wine.. headed to foyer to get it.. was quickly forced to sing carols with a whole lot of other unwilling hostages also brought in by promise of wine. AH! Me and Rosanna made an escape to Brickfields and were soon joined by other escapees. Spent afternoon drinking with mates. Me, Rosanna and Henry were last to leave around half four. We are so the new Hardc0re 3 as Laura and Pete are no longer that hardcore.

Happily merry (off my face) I got a lift home with Mum, watched TV, Debbie Debs gave a pressie... will young calendar... can;t enough is what I say!

Off out in mo..

coming soon... Overview of 2003. The crappest year yet? very possibly. I promise myself next year I won't waste on stupid dreams and just fuck with as many peoples heads as poss. Much more fun. I have spent too long being nice to the wrong people and neglecting my mates. No more! I hate being nice. I shan't any more. Time to embrace my selfish and hateful side.

Same Old Story, and Dear John, So Along

I know, I know, I am blogging a lot recently but hey I ain't got a life anymore so I have the time!

Well done to Elliot who correctly answered my quiz! He gets a free drink when I next see him!

Ok... I have decided I must be just half a person. When I am with someone I am perfectly sane boring individual. When I am single I go off the deep end, do random stuff, plot destruction of world, all sorts...

But I really don't want a relationship anymore (too much hassle, emotional risk etc).

A conundrum. Maybe get myself a couple of himbos and keep them as pets... sounds the best solution to me...