Thailand Part 3 - Ko Samui Smells, Bangkok Rules

I'm home... if there is anyone nice out there please donate some money so I can go back to Bangkok to live. I promise to do whatever you want!!! This place is the pits. Almost as bad as Ko Samui...

9th May 2006 - Chaweng Must DIE

The plane flew in low over the island and it's amazing beaches and coconut palm copses blew me away. We landed at Ko Samui's "famous" tropical airport. It just seemed a little tacky to me... got our bags and met our transfer. She seemed a little confused when we handed her our voucher for the Chaweng Regent but she didn't say anything. We were dropped off at the resort and although I was fairly impressed by the exterior, I could tell Jim was already unhappy. By the time we were checked in and in our bungalow I wasn't that happy either.

The Bungalow was warm (too warm!), small and totally unsuitable. Considering the high quality of the last two hotels we stayed in we knew something was up... we got moved to a better one (better as in the air con worked if you left it on for 12 hours but still rubbish) and pondered why this place was totally unlike the place we had booked... It didn't take us long to realise we were actually at Chaweng Resort a budget cheapo backpackers place. So the rest of the day was spent trying to sort out this mess (Lastminute.com hadn't booked the Regent in time and booked the Resort instead without telling us) including a massive long walk down Chaweng Beach Road.

Chaweng Beach Road... imagine the scene. Every car that passes is a taxi or songthaew (a cross between a taxi, a pick up truck and a bus). In each car is a stupid idiot who seeing you are farang (a Westerner) beeps his horn at you. Repeat till you become hideously unamused. Then in the background imagine a loud speaker on the back of a lorry repeating a message to go to Chaweng Stadium and see Muay Boxing. "Get There Earlier, Get There Earlier... Best of The Best, Champ of the Champ". You will hear this every two minutes while you are outside... Now as all this noise if going on you will need to carefully side step overly tanned Westerners who can't help but get in your way while you also dodge the, to be expected, sales pitches of every Thai you pass. But unlike Thai's on the mainland this lot will be rude to you. "Oi tall boy, come get a suit, man". It was hell.

We went for a swim in the sea in the evening to try and relax... the beach and the sea are the only good things in Chaweng. Had dinner at the Captain Kirk which was alright but no where near as good as mainland Thai.

Bothered and bewildered we fell into Amsterdam and were delighted to discover a cabaret show, and cute barmen. It was refreshing and totally entertaining (ladyboys flanked by gorgeous Thai lads...). Only down side was a creepy barlady who kept showing everyone her legs.

May 10th - Is Nothing Sacred?

Asia World. We love you. Asia World managed to find us a new place to stay... the Chaba Samui Resort. Nowhere near as good as the Chaweng Regent but at least the rooms were cool. Totalled pissed off with the carnage out on the street we spent most of the day in the resort in the pool.

We went to the Amsterdam again. Food was nice. Being big spenders we soon found ourselves with the full attention of the owner. He whispered something into Jack's (the cutest barmen) ear and we received free drinks... and Jack's over the top attention. It soon seemed obvious that the owner was just trying to get us to spend more money on massage boys and we left feeling cheated out of our one refuge from the exploitation on Chaweng Beach Road. It upset me greatly in fact...

May 11th - Things Can Only Get Better.

Had lunch at "The Deck". Well when I said had lunch, the service took so long it counted as dinner and breakfast for the next day as well. Service in Thailand has been the one thing I couldn't fault... it dawned on me that Ko Samui isn't Thai. It's a nowhere place like Ibiza or Torremolinos... a hot place filled with tourists and locals out to rip you off.

Dinner was had at an ok but not great Italian restaurant (plus point did have a cat, negative point I've probably now got rabies knowing Ko Samui). We couldn't face going out so stayed in and watched Star Movies... our saviour.

May 12th - Do You Want Jae Rare or Well Done?

It was Visahka Bucha Day so we spent it in the pool. For too long. And we both got burnt to a crisp. In constant pain we stayed in the hotel for the rest of the day.

May 13th - The Last Hope.

Now I was trying to remain postive about this part of the holiday and continued to fool myself that Ko Samui must have something to offer us. So I forced and unwilling (mainly due to sunburn and fatigue) Jim to accompany me on a round the island tour. It was quite unspectacular... when the trip includes a tacky shop on the tour you know it's desperate for material. Ok so the Big Buddha, the Mummified Monk, the Monkey Show, and the many armed Chinese Lady would be great... except they are on Ko Samui.

Defeated we got back in the over warm mini bus and headed back with the group to our respective hotels. On the way an Aussie couple were telling some health spa travellers about how to navigate around Bangkok using the Skytrain. I could of cried I was so pinning for Bangkok. It would seem so was Jim as by the time we were back at the hotel he had his heart set on it. Asia World pulled through again and it was arranged we would leave in the morning.

We gave the Amsterdam another chance (it was the best place on the island after all!) and Jack did us proud being polite and courteous and the show was as awesome as ever. All was forgiven...

May 14th - Back to Bangkok

The plane journey was easy and as we drove through the storm flooded streets of Bangkok we felt as if a weight had been lifted off our shoulders. We checked back into the Zenith saw Poseidon at the Paragon Deluxe screen, lunch in the food hall. Jim bought me a shirt from the tailors he got his suit done at. It's very nice. Tip Top was our destination for dinner (cute arsed waiter isn't very good at taking orders... but god that arse is divine) and on the way I felt like hugging the DVD sales men and ever present baby elephant at the bottom of the steps of Sala Daeng BTS station. It was good to be back.

We made a truimphant return to The Balcony where Sea attempted to seem unbothered by our return while Tom practically did himself in with excitement trying to entice us to sit on his patch across the way... Bless them all... you just have to love the staff at this bar.

May 15th - I Feel Pretty... Oh So Pretty... I Feel Pretty and Witty and Gay!

Practically skipping/dancing as we went we wandered Bangkok shopping. Had drinks at Dicks Cafe (inside this time) and it was such an improvement on the last time we were there, we went back after changing at the hotel and had a tasty meal. For research purposes, obviously, Jim and I felt it was really required that we visit one of the many "off bars" (go go bars/sex shows/hustler bar). We decided upon Fresh Boyz as we'd been eyeing up the guys in there all night...

Directly through the door is a stage... filled with boys (men!) only wearing their underwear who move round it slowly... all wear numbers on their underwear. We sat not more than a foot from the stag and, although Jim felt uncomfortable, I settled right in... watching the totty go by Jim and I remarked on our faves... Jim looked further down the line and pointed one out to me. Number 66. He was a muscular, smooth bloke with a winning smile. As soon as Jim pointed him out, even before I could form an opinion, Number 66 spotted me looking and spent the next 10 minutes staring at me, smiling and attempting to get me to buy him. Even when he was on the far side of the stage he stood with his back to the guys over there and smiled at me instead. Darn he was persistent (not helped by the fact all the other boys were also determined that I was going to buy 66 and kept pushing him my way)... which is how he ended up sitting by my side with a drink in his hand. Jim now felt very comfy as all the other boys on stage left him alone, while I was starting to feel less comfy.

Ok physically I was very comfortable as I had my hands on/around/all over a gorgeous 25 year old Thai guy named Tee. But mentally I was completely uncomfortable... sex is good, money bad. The idea of paying for sex (when it's freely available as well!) turns me off and goes against my instincts. I like a guy to desire me, that turns me on. I don't want him to want me for money. Jim, Jack (our host) and Tee spent the night trying to convince me that I'd regret not sleeping with the big armed, big pec'ed and not badly endowed (I know cos I got to see) Tee who spent the whole evening staring up at me from under my arm and SMILING that bloody nice smile at me.

But I was strong folks... despite the fact it would of cost me only £20 for the night... JUST £20 for sex, Britain has a lot to learn from Thailand.... I didn't sleep with him. If I didn't have a lovely boyfriend and if Tee didn't want money from me I would have shagged him silly in less than a heartbeat... but alas...

The sex show was fab... not half as tacky as I thought it'd be although the moment that Jim assisted in removing a 15 foot long piece of ribbon from a guys arse (impressive indeed) bordered on the tacky side...

May 16th - Be A Thai.

Our last day. We wandered some more. I was quite upset to be leaving. Had our last evening at The Balcony and tried the food. My God... we'd been missing out. Their yellow curry was divine. Jim was pleased to see Nut again. There is a guy at the bar opposite who we'd been oogling on our visits. We called him Leo because of a T Shirt he wears... tall and good looking. Looking at him I realised he'd been one of the boys at Fresh Boyz the night before. Now in his job at the Telephone Bar he is a confident, strutting guy. At Fresh Boyz he looked so uncomfortable, self conscious and shy. So because we are soooo not mean hearted Jim and I spent the entire evening laughing loudly whenever we saw him. What a fun game.

May 17th - If I Could Turn Back Time...

Homeward bound. We arrived at Heathrow. It was raining in that can't be bothered kind of way British rain has and it was soooo cold. Minimum temperature we had in Thailand was about 30 Celsius. And that was at about 1am. But I tried not to be depressed about being home... till we were on the tube and some girls got on. Looking like a bunch of tarts they sat down and f'd and blinded their way through a conversation. The British have no class. As the day was well over 24 hours long I slept well.

May 18th... TODAY!

Went and did some shopping today using the money we gained from collecting all our change together (£68!). Went to See Woo, it felt good to be around Asians. Jim has just cooked up an awesome Katsudon. YUM!