Monday, July 10, 2006

Examples of Megafauna in the Greater London Area

You, Dear Constant Reader, may think Your Correspondent has spent his first year here in London doing nothing but piss arsing about. But I have actually been discreetly observing the strange and wonderful species that we are blessed with here in this urban jungle. And today I shall begin to share my findings with you.

The Swinger (Homo Swingus)

This fascinating creature can be found in abundance on London's public transport system. Little is know about the Swinger beyond it's perchant for using the many bars and handles on trains and buses to exercise. It's especially fond of the floor to ceiling variety found on trains and the tube. Once it has located said pole it will begin to swing back and forth, using as much surface area as is possible. It has been speculated that the Swingers have very bad eyesight, or perhaps a very low intelligence. This speculation arises from their inability to recognise members of the Homo Commutus species who share its habitat which causes it to often fall into them during exercise sessions. This doesn't deter the Swinger from continuing its activity but has been known to cause great upset to Commuters who have a strange belief in a concept known as "Personal Space".

The Ricochet (Homo Idious Ricoche)

This amazing animal has been so successful that it can be found in all areas of our city but does tend to venture out most often during busy periods such as the morning and afternoon rush hours. One of it's most diverting features is its inability to walk in a straight line. The Ricochet will begin it's journey as if it was a Homo Commutus, however it will quickly move towards the nearest wall. As other creatures attempt to pass it on its free side it will change direction and head towards the other wall. It will continue this change of direction several times over. It is thought this behaviour is caused by a similar condition to the Swinger and has lead some to think they are one and the same animal. These people label this possible species the Cretin (Homo Cretinus).

The Cruiser (Homo Middus Lanus Cruiserus)

A surprisingly slow creature it is fond of keeping strictly to the centre of any walkway. It is particularly fond of carrying large, bulky objects (bags, guitars and bicycles are particular favourites) and/or walking abreast in groups of two or three. The presence of a Cruiser ahead of you is often felt by large crowds of people following in its wake.

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