A few weeks ago two of my Uncle's (on my Mum's side of the family) arranged publicly to go out with my step Dad for drinks. I let that pass, but found out from Mum how upsetting it had been to see it.
Yesterday Jim pointed out they were doing it again. This really angered me and I felt it was so totally thoughtless. So I dropped them both messages through Facebook expressing my displeasure pretty forcefully and telling them to be more discrete. I didn't tell them to stop seeing my step Dad nor demand they issue heartfelt apologies (and said "I'm not telling you to stop seeing him"). I just wanted them to spare a thought for Mum.
One Uncle came back and expressed his sorrow for any upset caused and admitted it had been pretty thoughtless and they wouldn't arrange things so publicly any more. But my other Uncle was totally taken aback by what I had said, decided I was telling him not to see my step Dad and he was very unhappy with my suggestion he wasn't fully supporting his sister. His reply on Facebook actually ended up annoying me even more the problem had. Then today, rather than phone me directly, he phoned Jim to discuss the issues.
1) I found that insulting. I love Jim dearly, and he is very much accepted as part of my family. But he wasn't the one who sent the message and I felt totally disrespected when Jim told me my Uncle had phoned him and not me.
2) Rather than accept that what I had suggested was an issue, he made claims that it was being blown out of proportion (which I actually predicted in my original message to him, go me!), and was worried others in the family might find out and be upset.
3) The way Jim told me the conversation went I felt he was being pretty unreasonable.
I felt that I had no choice in sending a message to them to protect my Mum's feelings. But instead of any sort of understanding of how I feel about it, I get excuses and reflected blame. Well I've said my piece and I'm keeping well out of it now, but God I'm fuming inside today. Absolutely livid. It's not helped by the need not to argue back in order to preserve family goodwill. Grr...
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Your intentions were sound and reasonable, but sometimes people misread words (or read what they THINK is being said). May be worth calling and starting from scratch as this uncle obviously didn't understand what you meant.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.