Monday, January 04, 2010

Angry Commute

1) Dear Man on Platform 2 London Bridge at 17:50 today. When you decided to walk backwards into me as I stood awaiting my train, I wonder what exactly went through your mind to do it again. And again. Were you perhaps hoping I might pull your head off, boiler it clean and use the skull as a new fashionable Oyster card holder?

2) Dear Lady on Platform 2 London Bridge at 17:54 today. Some of us have the uncanny ability to know where the doors of a train are going to open. Others are too stupid to understand they open at the same place every day and instead position themselves randomly along the platform. I am the former, you are the latter. What this means is I am at the front of the queue to get on (once everyone is off of course), so what was going through your mind when you attempted to squeeze yourself (forcefully and hurriedly) into the one foot of space between me and the door thus getting in the way of those getting off and in the way of someone who has legs that are bigger than you?? Were you hoping to form a new type of graffiti made from your remains after I'd squashed you up into a pulp?

3) Dear Man on the 17:54 Greenwich bound train. You had been seated throughout the journey, whilst I had been standing. I was quite clearly standing waiting to get off. So what ever possessed you to think that when the doors opened you'd rush to push me out of the way so you could gain an extra 2 seconds lead? Did you think you'd be successful in moving me, Jae Kay The Man Mountain? Of course you failed. I trust this will serve as a lesson to you that the overwealming combination of etiquette and hugeness makes me a formidable commuting opponent whom you shall inevitably lose to should you seek to break the unwritten rules of travel.

If you feel benevolent and particularly generous, this writer always appreciates things bought for him from his wishlist

1 comment:

  1. Seriously. I think your commuters sent their evil twins to my train, too... Unfortunately, having a large tote bag doesn't work as well as being a Mountain Man, but it helps sometimes.
    Hope tomorrow's better!