A New Cat In Our Life

Yesterday we (Jim, Ian, Ayden and I) awoke early for what would be a very long day. After dropping Ayden off at New Romney with Chris and then dropping Ian home in Hemel Hempstead Jim and I headed up north to Preston. Our mission was to collect the latest addition to our household: Jefferson the Maine Coon.

Our mission was going very well until Keele service station when we got stuck behind a wide load leading to an hour and a half of traffic jams. It was unpleasant but we got to Preston just a little after 1pm. Jefferson's breeders had a house choke full of extremely beautiful and friendly Maine Coon's. Whilst he attempt to hide behind a sofa we made a fuss of his delightful Mum. When we moved to another room to see his Dad (a very handsome fellow), his Mum followed us, jumped up on a cat tree and gave me a quick swat on the back insisting I return to stroking her chin!

Jefferson was in the cat carrier without any issue and we headed home. He meowed for about 5 minutes before becoming the most well-behaved kitten or cat I've ever had in a car! He was an absolute angel. 

We stopped off at Mum's, Jefferson escaped and hid under a cabinet then we collected an unsuspecting Ayden from Chris'. Stopped off at the Golden Bowl in Hythe for a takeaway then we headed home. Tired and exhausted we stayed up a little while to keep an eye on an extremely nervous Jefferson!

This morning I came down and though he remained extremely wary he had used his litter tray (an awesome cat, I'm telling you!) He agreed to a few belly rubs on the sofa so I think he is coming round. His purring is tremendous!!!

Ayden is being very good around him but Jefferson is not so sure about Ayden. I'm sure he'll grow to tolerate him in time.

Nearly 10 years since I left my home and my Angel cat (who at 15 is still pottering around Lympne flitting between families!). Finally, I have a cat again. Or a cat has me anyway. 

13 Years Of Blogging... Yes It Is Another Blogaversary

My oh my Dearest Constant Reader. We've been together for 13 years now! Sheesh... tempus fugit and all that rubbish.

It all started here. We've had a few adventures since then haven't we?

There was the post about my first, and last, game of "Nervous" at university. Remember that time I nearly killed myself in Italy? My first dumping (at a fairly decent age though considering my naughty history). Then there was the time my first date with Jim just got an "also ran" mention on my Livejournal. Then there was the time Jim made me chase after some sex workers in Prague and I fell in love with him. Then came a crazy period from 2005 - 2008 of living in London, working at Euroffice and having the time of my life with Jim (Prague again, Warsaw, San Francisco, Bangkok and Thailand twice) (summarised as part of my "2000 Posts" celebration)

And what about popular posts? My oddly popular Brent Corrigan post, my blog on the Oak Island Money Pit, the surprisingly influential look at the differences between marriage and civil partnerships, my look at the first few issues of DC's New 52, the time I was all proud of my sexuality and the real winner... Giant Spiders which was written in seconds (and you can tell) but got tens of thousands of hits.

My blogs have somehow got themselves into letter pages, newspapers, a boost from WWE when people were encouraged to search for "Randy Orton gay" and have waxed and waned over the years.

But, Dear Constant Reader, I always return here. My personal blog may not get many posts any more but I tend to find that there is a direct inverse correlation between number of blog posts and my mental well-being. Thanks for being there when I needed you, and I know you'll be there in the future too.  

Now on to the obligatory Charles Dera pic... Traditions must be kept!!

Been A Long Time

Life is... different.

I'm a manager now at TVW, with my own team of people. I no longer live in Folkestone. Jim and I have a hot tub. Things are getting very domestic (in the good way not the boring way). It is very odd.

My promotion remains a little over wealming 5 months on. I'm sure I'll get used to it eventually but sheesh there is a lot to do!

Moving from Folkestone was not as painful as I thought. Folkestone is not only my place of work and the place I grew up. It is the "literal" place of my dreams. My whole life my dreams have always dwelt on the places around Folkestone I know best. Moving away again and having to return to commuting was a daunting, but necessary, prospect. But it has not only be less painful that I imagined but it has been pretty damn awesome. Eastry is a beautiful place. Seeing birds and animals I've not seen in years (and in the case of the green woodpeckers who are besotted by the ants in our garden, I've never seen!), being able to take nice long walks with Ayden and just having a house surrounded by orchards; it is a fantastic village.

And the commute is far less annoying that I imagined. The worst bit is the 10 minute wait for the bus on the way home in Sandwich. Doesn't even compare in terms of awfulness to the old Greenwich to Hammersmith commute in London.

And our house is worth any commute. A converted barn with plenty of space and a large drive and patio area with only two neighbours. We have a hot tub outside our front room which Jim spent two weeks bringing back into service (he's also now done a fab job with our outside lights).

It is pretty mind-blowing to have gone from living in the middle of Folkestone above a shop with no garden to living in the middle of the countryside with plenty of space and a hot tub to relax in after work. I'm sure none of us expected this Dear Constant Reader!!  

 

Happy.

Jae's Eurovision 2014 Faves

Oh Dear Constant Reader, I've been very lax about Eurovision (and about keeping you updated, sorry!).

I was pretty saddened by the results of the semi-finals with many of my faves missing out to some truly appalling entries *cough* Poland *cough*. But perhaps there is a silver lining in that this means this year's UK entry has less intense competition!

And for once, excusing Scooch who I had to love because... well... they were Scooch, the UK entry is officially my favourite song of the contest!

Molly's "Children of the Universe" 




I also liked Finland's entry. Very pop.

Softengine - "Something Better"


Though Austria's entry, very popular on Twitter, didn't do it for me on the night of the 2nd semi-final those songs I much preferred were mostly eliminated and thus the fact it was well sung wins it some brownie points.

Conchita Wurst - "Rise Like A Phoenix"



I am generally a big fan of Ukraine's Eurovision songs. This year is no different, the stage act seems to reuse a set piece from "Be My Valentine!"

Maria Yaremchuk - "Tick - Tock"


She wasn't my pick from Melodifestivalen but Sanna Nielsen's "Undo" has grown on me. One of the best songs at this year's contest.

Sanna Nielsen - "Undo" 

The Year Of Grown-Up Things Continues

Well... Jim, Ayden, Mr Gibbs and I are moving. This month we (well Jim and I, Ayden stayed in the car and we thought taking Mr Gibbs would be overkill) paid a visit to a gorgeous barn conversion in Eastry (quite a bit north of Folkestone and Dover but NOT Thanet) and fell in love with it. It is absolutely lovely and we said we wanted to rent it as soon as the tour had finished. We will likely be moving away from Folkestone around 28th March.

The 4 years in Folkestone town centre have been good. After I got my old job back at TVW my commute was reduced to a 25 minute walk each way which was perfect for my anti-social side and for listening to podcasts/audiobooks. Being close to Sainsbury's and other shops were also awesomely convenient but we never really settled here. Folkestone is, and always will be, my home town. But hopefully Eastry will be a good move for us.

I have concerns, such as a rather longer and more "weather dependent" commute, but the new house is so nice that a little reduction in my quality of life is more than acceptable.

The move will also allow us to get a cat! We're looking to get a Maine Coon, fingers crossed we find one soonish!

My new position at work is going well so far. It is a little stressful but worthwhile. I'm looking after a lovely team of people and hopefully we can achieve great things together. Though some of them are making me feel OLD.

Speaking of which... with the packing begun I've already begun unearthy artifacts from the early days of this blog. Newspaper clippings, old diaries, the keys to Block 33, tickets to France and many other nostalgic things. And with today being the 15th anniversary of Queer as Folk and my 16th Gayaversary being on Thursday it is turning into a right trip down memory lane in my head right now. Why else do you think I'm here, Dear Constant Reader?

I suppose I could turn over a new leaf when I move and start updating you a bit more regularly on the goings on in my life. This year is the 13th year of blogging here. 13 years!!! Absolutely mad.

Ooo... Eurovision countdown can start now I suppose. I'll take a look at the current entries and see whether it is worth it...

2014: The Year Of Grown-Up Things

As you know, Dear Constant Reader, I'm basically a 6'8" child. I'm rubbish at serious relationships (how Jim has put up with me for what will be 10 years this year, I don't know), think getting toys as presents is still cool and I read comic books. In public places. 

Here I am, 30 years old and this year is already shaping up to be that long awaited year where GROWN-UP THINGS loom. The inevitability of this moment doesn't take away from the deeply upsetting feelings it creates. I don't want to grow up! 

In February I start a new role at the ol'TVW. With responsibilities and a more than occasional need for a serious face. Meanwhile our landlords will be putting our house up for sale this month and we want to be the successful buyers. Not only is buying a house and getting a mortgage definitely a GROWN-UP THING but hey-ho there may be some serious conversations with people that I need to have that I don't really want to have to make this actually happen. 

And then comes the big question... the one thing I didn't really think about when pushing for this whole same-sex marriage thing because, hey, it was never really going to happen right? Well happen it did and GROWN-THINGS are the inevitable consequence (yes GROWN-UP things and not incest as some of our more imaginative conservative friends thought). 

And yet I still feel no urge not to read comic books, no diminishing of my child-like glee at prospect of Jurassic World in 2015 and no shame at still being a 6'8" child. Perhaps this is a win/win sort of a deal. Or maybe I'm just abnormal (hush down there at the back!).  

Anyway... here's to another year.... 13 years of the blog! 10 years of Jim! 2 years of AYDEN! 

Christmas In Lochgoilhead

I've had a fantastic week in Lochgoilhead with Jim and Ayden. Sunday, after walking the Wolf Pack with Mum and Stuart in New Romney, we drove up to Doncaster and broke our journey there with a stop in a Travelodge. The journey wasn't so bad and Ayden was amazing, we didn't need to stop for him once!

Monday we did the second half of our journey north, encountering our first snow (Whoop!) and getting to Paisley around mid-afternoon. We spent a couple of hours with Jim's parents and their dog Harry who did not like Ayden one bit. I met Jim's dad for the first time.

And then, as the dusk began to set in, we set off for Lochgoilhead. The journey was, as always, full of beautiful scenery along Loch Lomond, with the snow topped mountains in the background. But we knew that snow capped mountains meant a snowy Rest and Be Thankful pass down into Lochgoilhead. The road from the A83 down into Lochgoilhead is hair-raising at the best of times with blind summits and turns. But with added snow on the upper levels of the road it was interesting. But we managed to get along it okay and found ourselves at the Drimsynie House estate and found ourselves pleasantly surprised with how fantastic their updating of the lodges were. We stayed in an Osprey Comfort Plus lodge and it was fabulous, so warm and the Christmas tree just made it so homely!

On the Tuesday we headed to Paisley again to do our Christmas food shopping and spend some more time with Jim's parents.

Wednesday was Christmas! Jim cooked a delicious Christmas dinner and we relaxed whilst the weather outside was frightful!

Thursday. We lucked out with a break in the storms and took the opportunity to go for a proper walk (much to Ayden's absolute delight). We went up the Glen Donich walk which was absolutely beautiful (we only went that way to avoid a confrontation with some cautious looking Highland Cows). It was a lovely day ended with a cold meat Boxing Day dinner.

Friday we drove up to Glencoe, through the some of the most fantastic scenery you'll find anywhere in the United Kingdom. Huge mountains, fast flowing waterfalls, streams and the River Coe. We did a very short walk during a break in the near endless rain around the An Tor wood and then had lunch (lovely soup followed by haggis, neeps and tatties) in the Clachaig Inn.

Saturday... the saddest day. We headed home. We nearly hit a Highland Cow standing in the middle of the road as we left Lochgoilhead, stopped off for breakfast in Paisley, 8 hours later we stopped off for tea and biscuits at my Mum's house and then we were home. A very long day but Ayden was, always, absolutely fantastic.

A good holiday indeed.

Romney Romps

Yesterday we took Ayden down to New Romney for the next outing of the Wolf Pack. It is so cute how much he and Finn love each other. As soon as he realised where we were, and could see my Mum in the distance, Ayden was OFF and bounding towards Finn. Bless him. 

Meanwhile I made friends with Logan who discussed I was carrying a bag of chicken pieces. He became my shadow. ;) 

Had a lovely lunch at the Coach House cafe in New Romney where Stuart, Mum, Jim and I were joined by Nat.

Lovely. 

Il Bordello And A Treat

So yesterday. We had planned to go to Belgium (even the ferry was booked) and enjoy a day in Veurne (a beautiful town, like Bruges but smaller and no tourists). However because we had a police officer coming round to take a statement over Ian's stolen bike we felt we should skip leaving the country and do something we could get back from quickly.

So that is how we found ourselves heading to London. There was a huge queue for tickets at both the window and the machine when we arrived (we later discovered it was because someone was trying to get a refund on a future dated ticket and book another future dated ticket!) but we managed to be the last people to get a ticket in time for the train. Phew! Got to London and negotiated the tube from St Pancras to Wapping (I really hate the tube these days but it was my first time on the old East London line since it became London Overground and I was impressed with the new trains!).

Why Wapping? Well, as any Dear Constant Reader should know, Wapping is the location of Il Bordello, my favourite restaurant. We arrived at the start of the lunch service and had bruschetta and calamari as starters. Absolutely gorgeous, of course. I then followed up with my usual, spaghetti carbonara. Washed down with an absolutely delightful pinot grigio. Staff were, as always, attentive but not intrusive. I love that place. Couldn't finish the main, their portion sizes are so awesome.

We then headed back to the tube and made our way to Stratford. We headed to Westfield in search of, and I kid you not, pralines. We did not find any but on the way Jim got himself a lovely watch, bought me some Invictus from the Perfume Shop (whose staff seemed somewhat disappointed to have to sell something to us) and then we wandered passed the Apple Store. Jim foolishly asked "Do you want an iPad?" and, not one to pass up such an open offer, I immediately agreed and thus I found myself the owner of 16gb iPad with Retina Display (i.e. 4th gen). Thanks hun! It is my first Apple device since the iPod video (just checked and found that was 8 years ago!) but I'm loving it already. My beloved Google Nexus is probably going to go the way of my Kindle Fire...

Got home but I had such a horrendous headache that I failed to objectify the police officer when he arrived. I'm losing my touch.

Today I had breakfast at Googies. Work tomorrow. Sigh.

The Wolf Pack

On Thursday last week I visited Mum's house (whilst she was out, though Stuart and Nat were in) to get introduced to Logan (and see the ever rambunctious Finn). Logan is a foster dog Mum is looking after and it looks ever more likely he'll be becoming a permanent edition to what shall from now on be known as "The Wolf Pack". 

Logan and Finn

Friday was a day of work, there's something pretty annoying about going to work for one day only. Didn't feel like I achieved anything. No more work now until... next Friday!

Saturday I went up to Greenwich with Jim and Ayden to see Denis and have a few drinks in the local. Though I'm pleased to be living in Folkestone I do miss Denis and the Ash. It was lovely being there and Ayden was so well behaved! He did experience a minor problem when he went out into the pub garden. He went down the stairs fine but when he turned to go back up he realised he could see through the gaps in the back of the stairs and this revealed his latest phobia: steps with gaps at the back. He thus sat at the bottom sulking in the rain. We eventually realised he'd been gone some time and rescued him by opening the other door to the outside.

Sunday morning we took Ayden to a huge dog walking area between the sea wall and the golf course at New Romney. Mum and Stuart were already in there with Finn and Logan. When Finn realised we had arrived he shot over to the fence and Ayden and he ran up and down excitedly until we finally coaxed Ayden to the gate. After he and Finn had done their obligatory chasing games, he finally was introduced to Logan and they seemed to get along fine. The Wolf Pack became a reality.

Ayden, Logan and Finn Await Some Treats From Mum

They then proceeded to terrorise the other dog walkers in the walking area by appearing from behind large mounds and racing towards them as a group. Given their size and speed there were a few worried looks!! Of course they are as soft as anything (all Ayden ever wants to do is say hello to every dog he meets) but there were a few frowny faces. One lady, walking her dog, informed us she actually had a phobia of dogs to which Jim replied that coming to a dog walking area was probably not the best thing for her to do then. People are silly!

We also met a huge Afghan Hound who soon put The Wolf Pack in their place. Cowed and in awe they followed said Afghan Hound on yet another tour of the dog walking area to terrorise the dog walkers again (including the phobic woman!). Ayden spent pretty much all of the rest of the day sleeping, totally exhausted.

Jim attempted a rather wonderful cheesecake with a cookie dough centre. Whilst tasty I feel we are going to be have a Cookie Dough Cheesecake 2.0 *rubs hands in glee*

Happy 12th Blogaversary

12 years, oh Dear Constant Reader, is how long you have put up with my yammerings. 12 years. Thank you.

I have neglected you for the last few years, but be aware that this is a good thing. Less personal blog means Jae is relatively content. Here is my 2000 posts post from 2009 (ignore the sadness as the sad times are over!) which really gives a good run down of my blog life before my return to Folkestone!

Gosh how my life has changed since that return. In some ways it is a little surreal to be back working in the same office I worked in before I moved to London to be with Jim in 2005. But that is also quite comforting. And Jim, Mr Gibbs and I have been joined by some new additions. Ian was certainly a surprising addition. Hard to imagine that he has been here for a year already! And, of course, Ayden the Tamaskan who has brightened up our lives. Somedays, when waiting for him to get home from his exciting adventures with Doggy Nanny (which may soon end), it feels quite empty in the house without him. He is quite the character and we all love him dearly.

Thanks again, Dear Constant Reader, for always being here when I need you and for coming along on this journey with me.

I will, I double promise with cherries on top, try my best to keep you a bit more up to date with the happenings of my life. Yeah... you've heard that before... *thinks a distraction is needed* LOOK! A new Charles Dera picture!

Well Hello Friend!

It has been too long since I last wrote you, Dear Constant Reader. Life is pottering along quite nicely. My travels to Hatfield are, thankfully, over although I remain seconded from my job. Last week I had my first ride in an ambulance, Ian had collapsed and smashed up his face. He is alright thankfully and was out of hospital within hours.

Had lunch in Rocksalt yesterday. It was okay. They don't accept Amex, they seated us right next to a door they'd opened to the outside so we had to sit in a weird "9 o'clock" arrangement rather than directly opposite each other, and the the main course was not really to my liking. Alas.

Ayden is doing well too. Although thanks to Jim's latest interest, astro-photography, we have discovered he does not like telescopes. I'm sure this won't hold him back in life that much.

OH GOD. It is THAT birthday today

So it finally happened. I'm 30 years old. 16 years ago today I last saw the Sixth Former. 12 years ago I first met Laura. 10 years ago I was sat in the Leas Club and Gareth turned up with a huge bag of goodies for me. It doesn't seem that long ago! Yet it is forever ago isn't it?

30 years Dear Constant Reader. Can't really believe it. Hadn't planned for this eventuality. What does one do? Who knows, but sheesh it is weird.

Hope you are well... you'll notice that for my birthday I managed to get out of going to Hatfield. WIN!

Some Homosexual Apologetics

"I ne’er was struck before that hour

  With love so sudden and so sweet"

Out of a sense of modesty (Me? Modest? Some mistake...) I often shy away from defending my sexuality in the stringent way that I want to. But the attacks I read on a daily basis during my marriage for all crusade so often present a picture so different to the reality I perceive as to be almost certainly lies. What I say below in no way suggests I view different-sex relationships as inferior, I'm not crazy like the homophobes, and I can only speak from my experiences as a gay man (rather than a gay woman or a bisexual).

I've said before that there is nothing wrong with being gay. Nothing. 

I cannot imagine how flesh on flesh contact between two members of the same-sex, in a sexual way obviously, can be considered "sinful". It is total nonsense to suggest that something as simple as consensual sexual contact could be sinful. It is, surely, the motives behind such contact that give it it's moral character not the physicality of it. 

Some like to say that sexuality outside of the heterosexual marriage bed (and thus "ordered" for procreation) is simply selfish and by having sex with someone of the same-sex you are using them for your pleasure. This is what comes from spending too much time thinking about subjects academically and philosophically. Humans have a variety of motives for doing allsorts of things. I've no doubt some people use others for sex (and a great deal more). But I also believe in human kindness, selflessness and love. Certainly the pleasure motive is there when it comes to sex, but there is also the pleasure of giving someone else pleasure. And there is companionship, human contact and a whole range of other good things that motivate people to have sex. And get this... homosexuality isn't just about "eros". It also has a healthy dose of philia. 

There is something wonderful about the love two men can share. Something beyond words. A mixture of deep romantic love, friendship and like-mindedness that is utterly fulfilling. The beauty, strength and intellect of a man is something I can't imagine not finding attractive nor inspiring. I will never understand the idea that homosexual relationships are in some way inferior to heterosexual ones nor will I accept they are ultimately empty and unfulfilling. Take the following quote from this article:

Here’s a very sad fact of life that never gets portrayed on Glee or Modern Family: I find that men I know who have left their wives as they’ve come out of the closet often lead diminished, and in some cases nearly bankrupt, lives—socially, familially, emotionally, and intellectually. They adjust their entire view of the world and their role within it in order to accommodate what has become the dominant aspect of their lives: their homosexuality. In doing so, they trade rich lives for one-dimensional lives. Yet this is what our post-modern world has taught us to do. I went along with it for a long while, but slowly turned back when I witnessed my life shrinking and not growing.

This is the sort of thing you see a lot. A cross between pity and a warning to others. There are depressed gay people. There are deeply lonely gay people. But there are deeply lonely straight people too. It is not a "gay" condition. I do not recognise it as a part of my life. In the most depressed moments of my life (usually over money issues) I've taken solace in my love of men (And I don't mean I went out a shagged every man I can find before some "Christian" comes along to pass judgement, philia not eros). It has been a bright, positive aspect of myself that has seen me through some dark times. Those dark times are many years behind me now and as I approach ten years with Jim they couldn't feel more distant and I can't believe how happy I remain.

Homosexuality is not a curse. I don't need your pity nor your acceptance. I put this out there only to counter the constant negativity from those who seek to shame us. I'm without shame, without fear and without a desire to change. I'm a happy gay man. And that is a great thing to be. 

"Perish miserably they who think that these men did or suffered aught disgraceful."

Eurovision 2013: Austria

Natália Kelly is doing the honours for Austria this year with "Shine"



A good song, a great voice but seems to lack the sort of "hook" that I tend to like. I'm a man of very simple tastes. Doesn't feel like a winner to me.

Dear Diary...

Guess who I saw today? In "the larder", no less. 

That is pretty much all. Still working Mondays and Tuesday in Hatfield although now staying in a gym. Seriously. It's a hotel IN A gym. Nice for oogling bad for a good nights sleep. Work is all a bit odd right now as I seem to be doing a lot of new things and I'm just finding my feet. 

Jim's finally been to the doctor about his arm. We'll find out what the problem is later on today. 

Ayden is still being gorgeous. 

The lack of snow whereever I am is getting to me. Can we have a proper blizzard over the Easter weekend please? Thank you. 

Eurovision 2013: Finland

Krista Siegfrids is representing Finland with Marry Me. I'm not ashamed to say that I am absolutely loving this one. Upbeat, very early Noughties vibe (a bit Avril Lavigne meets Katy Perry) and it is the sort of song that I pretend I don't like normally.

Eurovision 2013: United Kingdom

Bonnie Tyler is supposedly best known for "Total Eclipse of the Heart" but personally I remember her best for "Holding Out For A Hero". This probably goes a long way towards showing the sort of rubbish I enjoy. But pretty soon she will be best known to us all as the 2013 UK entry for the Eurovision Song Contest!!

The song she will be performing is "Believe In Me", and it is actually pretty good.



It is the first UK entry in a long time that I actually enjoy listening to. It's got a nice "long drive accompaniment" vibe to it that is right up my alley when it comes to music. Does it have a chance? I'd like to think it has a shot, but then again I was scandalised at the low placing of Scooch so I'm really not someone who can judge!

The real issue is how the performance will go. I'll be very interested to see how Bonnie manages to sing this live and not look as awkward as she does at some points in the video. But I have faith! I Believe In Bonnie. Onwards to Malmo!

Work. Work. Work. WORK.

So there have been a few changes at work of late and this means I spend Mondays and Tuesdays at Head Office in Hertfordshire testing a new website and the rest of the week in Folkestone being a call centre agent extraordinaire (as if I needed to tell you that).

This means there have been a few changes. One: I travel up and back by HS1 meaning I am once again a commuting bod. Two: I'm staying over on a Monday night in a hotel. The commuting has not been half as bad as I imagined (which means it'll be awful on Monday now!) but the hotel is dull, dull, dull. Premier Inn with Table Table for dinner. It has meant I've been getting through the books I'm trying to read though!

Amy, Zoe's baby girl, had her naming day on Sunday where I discovered two pints of lager is enough to get me pissed. I've become a terrible light weight. :(

Ayden continues to be cute. Mr Gibbs continues to plot the overthrow of the human race. All is well.

Eurovision 2013: Lithuania

Andrius Pojavis' Something is Lithuania's entry into the Eurovision Song Contest 2013



It's not just me is it? He can't sing, right? Good, glad it wasn't just me...