Thursday, January 17, 2002

Dear Blog,
I must warn you this log is going to be very long and possibly dull. But I have been up to a lot.
Saturday 4th? January
I woke up very early backed my bags emptied my room and ran away. I went to Brighton station and after chatting with a street person who said I shouldn't be like all these commuters and that I had a good soul (what planet does he come from?) I got on the Express to London Victoria. There I wandered around London sightseeing and worrying about what I was going to do and what everyone would think and how my family and friends would feel. I bumped into Boy George!!!!! Inane but true!!!!! Then I became involved in some Kashmiri protest (I was only trying to get to Parliament Sqr.!!!). I found myself a room for the night, tried to ignore my ringing phone (my flatmates worrying about me bless 'em) and cried myself to sleep.
I wandered the streets again. Went to Kensington palace. I was so confused but I found myself another room and curled up in bed (it was a really nice room!!) and fell to sleep for like 16 hours or so.
Organised a passport appointment. Didn't know why I wanted it but I felt I should get as far from the problems (no not money or family by the way!!!!) as I could. Wandered the streets again and found myself another room for the next couple of nights and turned off my phone (it was too upseting hearing it ring).
Went to passport office (after much being lost I found it right near my hotel!!) and once sorted that out decided to take my mind off everything. I went to The Natural History Museum (brilliant!!!) used cabs for the first time and went to London Zoo (shite dont go there!!!!). Went to my hotel relatively happy (ie not suicidal fotr once)
I packed all my things into a new bag and went to the passport office. Saw David Blunkett "opening it" seemed pretty open yesterday!!! Got my passport and got on a train for Folkestone. My family and flatmates recieved their letters about what I was up to and went crazy. It only made me feel worse and made me decide France was not far enough.
In Folkestone I said goodbye to my mates and jumped on a train to Dover and caught the next ferry to Calais.
Steve found out what I was up to and rung me crying and declaring his love. I fobbed him off withsome I'll be back soon excuse.
Debs phoned and tried to persuade me "home". Doesn't anyone understand what I am doing is for them? I am going slightly insane, I lie constantly, and they wont me back. Is everyone mad?! Have they never met me. I am truely not worthy of these people they are too nice.
I found a room in Calais after discovering a cocaine addict shooting up in the ferry terminal and meeting French people (I thought they were quite mad!!!).
Thursday I got up nice and early had breakfast in the Cafe Folkestone and went and got a train to Paris with the help of a lovely SNCF worker. I was warming to the French. I had my first TGV experience!!!! I can't believe how qulity these trains are!!!!
Paris is a shithole. I hated every moment there and never want to go back there unless passing through. I still hadnt the confidence to just up and leave and got a room.
Sight saw then got a train to Valence. I love Valence. It was warm, the people friendly (they tried to improve my French) and finally I started to see a good side to this running away malarky. I still felt upset that I was hurting people back home but I was doing this to make their lives better after all.
I reluctantly left Valence for Marseille. Marseille was just as lovely as Valence (although initially I did find myself somehow involved in a Palestinian protest (Libre Palestine!!!!). I loved the med!!! I got drunk in an Irish pub (omalleys) and chatted to the barmaid (my first englsh conversation since leaving London)
moved on to Nice, then Monte Carlo in Monaco and finally to Menton. Its a quiet place but irresitibly French. I mingled with the shoppers and had a really nice time there.
I moved on. On the train to Milan I met a Russian couple who were amusing. Their were trying to avoid buying two tickets so the woman had one while the man had to keep hiding. It kept me amused all the way to Milan (that and the fit Italian men who were sitting opposite me of course!!)
In Milan I caught a train to Rome. I got talking with the people in my compartant (via an interpreter as there was 1 french person 1 spanish person and an italian lady who spoke all the languages) It was getting late I was tired slightly suicidal as I missed my family and friends so I stopped in Florence. It was so beautiful there just as I remembered it. I got a room in a gay b and b for two nights. It was full of Americans straight gay and Lesbian. God save me!!!!
Went sight seeing. Went to il duomo and Ponte Vecchio and Palazzo Vecchio and Piazza della signora. It was great. Spent the rest of the day chatting to Americans. Then I phoned my flat. I hd done this before and was fine. But this time Cheesy Dave was there. I would like to apologise to him for fancying him. I went against my golden rule and that is unforgivable. Sorry.
It reminded me of all I had abandoned and have since fallen into a well of depression. I am just cruel to myself aren't I? I run away then regret it. Typical Jason behavior. I am an idiot.
Wednesday and Thursday
Went to Rome with an American straight couple. We got rooms in Hotel Scott House near Roma Termini (the biggest train station in the world surely?) and I hated this place immediatly. Rome is horrible just like Paris and it may be beautiful but people here are not nice. So here we are. My money is nearly gone (trains are expensive) and I only want to return to the Cote d'azur I love it there. I have a ticket for Milan. But I am going to kill myself. That is now the only option. I want to apologise to everyone I have hurt ever. To everyone I have lied to (I only wanted to seem more exciting and normal). I want to say that I miss everyone family, friends and flatmates. I am so alone. I have 95 euros left once thse are used up I am going to commit suicide. Goodbye. God Bless. Good Luck.

Just want you to be free
Don't worry about me
Just like the movies
We play out our last scene

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