Sunday, March 04, 2012

I Am Not Ashamed

Being more than a little interested in marriage equality articles means I come into contact with a great deal of negativity every day. From the concerned folks who worry about homosexuals and the future well-being of our souls, to those who think we are paedophiles, monsters and/or bound for Hell, it all boils down to one thing; being gay is not okay and is at best something worthy of sympathy.

After a while it starts to get you down. How can so many people, often well-meaning and intelligent, be so negative about something that they don't even seem to understand? How can they cast judgement so readily over something so unworthy of that judgement?

Well I reject this viewpoint. I reject it with every part of my being. My sexuality isn't something I look for acceptance of. It's not something I look for tolerance of. It's something I embrace, celebrate and enjoy. It's a positive in my life, a piece of untainted joy. Jim sometimes says I'm a bit too focussed on gay issues but that's because gay issues excite me in the way Star Wars, dinosaurs and history excite me. They are all something I love and find rewarding.

I remember when I was just coming to terms with my sexuality, desperately ashamed due to my then ongoing fling with Christianity. I remember the day I first saw a boy who made that shame just disappear. His beauty was so intoxicating I couldn't even think of disliking how I was feeling. I knew then that my sexuality wasn't something that was going wrong with me, that needed to be fixed, but something that was a good thing.

The strange thing is that often people seem to just equate homosexuality with lust. I didn't feel lust towards my first crush. He was too beautiful for that. And I don't just fall in love with men because of their looks. I fall in love with who they are as men. Their personality and their character are far more important to me than looks and love is far more important to me than sex (not to say I didn't mess around a little as a teen, as you Dear Constant Reader know only too well!).

I love men, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I love their looks. I love their voices. I love how they think. I love how they act. There's nothing, not a single thing, wrong with that.

I refuse to allow people to tell me what my sexuality is and how I'd be better off conforming to what they want for me. I'm not going to repent for something that needs no repentance. I'm not going to apologise for something that needs no apology. And I'm not going to reject something that brings me happiness every single day through the man I love.

When I think of a life without Jim, I feel myself die a little inside. For the last year and a bit he's had some very serious health problems and it's really made me think about the unthinkable and it was not a happy time. My love for him is no less, NO LESS, than anyone else's love for somebody. To suggest otherwise is to tilt at windmills and to delude yourself.

Every time I read another comment like those on here, I'll remember that unlike them I'm on the side of love. And woe betide anyone who thinks they can tell me differently.

I'm here, I'm queer and I'm not going anywhere (unless there's chocolate, in which case I'm yours).

If you feel benevolent and particularly generous, this writer always appreciates things bought for him from his wishlist