come back to what you know

What A Random Day

I was very bored yesterday, my brain was going numb. So I caught the train into town, which was much busy. So decided to go to Canterbury. Pete replied to my offer of free meal and train tickets and off we tottered to Canterbury on the train.

As our train pulled into Canterbury East it went just a tad too far... stranding everyone for a little while as there was no station to get off on to!!!! We headed into town, bought stuff (The Craft, Chicago) and then had a meal at Bar 11, where cute blonde bar man was working... mmm... Had Thai Green Curry, which was FAB!

Returned home, watched some Chicago and then it was off out again. Off , in fact, to Skuba. Lee finally realised I was gay which was scary! Started asking me rather intimate questions!!!!! Ben arrived. Good to see him. He told me some home truths which made me feel a lot better about how this year has turned out. Then we were joined by long missed Becky and Terry along with Becky's much not seen boyfriend Mark, who was cool. Drunk lots, chatted more. Sorry I missed ya at Leas Club Zoe but time just went by so fast!

Anyway Becky and Mark went home, and me and Ben (being gentlemen of the highest degree) accompanyed Terry to Mustangs so she could meet up with her mates. Got some after hours drinks.. mmm... Then me and Ben tottered off down to the Front as it was open till midnight. It looks cool, but I still can't get over it being the Oddfellow Arms. Those were the days!

Got home via muchos expensos taxi. Ouch! With a capital O!

Overview

Xmas happened. Family came over. I got presents. I ate lots. Just your regular run of the mill Christmas. Went out with Laura, Matt, Pete, Zoe and Ray to Gee's on Christmas Eve.

2003: The Wasted Year?

I had written a very hatefilled post looking back over the year. But as often happens my optimism and willingness to believe in fairytales came back to me, and I deleted that draft.

I have wasted 2003. Spent 6 months of it with someone who, in the end, didn't love me. Spent the other six months being nice to people who didn't deserve it and being nasty to others who didn't deserve it either. In fact 2003 is the year I most regret so far.

So 2003: trips to London, Brighton, Sheffield, Canterbury and even Planet Thanet; the start of new friendships and the beginning of the end for others. A boyfriend, an ex and some other randoms; a new shallowness touching my soul.

2004. Assert Jaeness over all parts of life. Find someone who actually loves me. Find some gay mates who will actually be there for me. Move out. Take no more fucking shit from anyone. Too long. I shall not allow people to walk all over me.

The barriers I'll break them down
I'll prove myself, I'll stick around
I'll get through it all somehow.

We Remember

We're Going Through Changes

Sunday Matt phoned and saved me from myself. We went out and about had lunch and bought stuff. Got his present. Also bought myself books including my fave "The Picture of Dorian Grey" by Oscar Wilde. I sold my last copy in Rome.

Monday nothing much happened.

Tuesday had a team meal at Morehall pub organised by myself. Had loads to eat. Secret Santa got me a big bottle of Stella and some chocolate. Obviously he had read my list! Also got a Justin calendar from Stacey.. mmmm....

that night went down Gee's and saw Zoe, John, Elliot, Matt, Pete, Claire, Kim, Adam, Sam, and Smiley Laura. Twas quite a crowd!!!!! Had lots to drink. Presents: Zoe got me a big keg of Stella and a Will Young calendar... mmmmmmmmmmmmmm........ Zoe's parents got me a box of chocs, Elliot got me Flight of the Navigator, John got me a Cardigans Album, Claire got me some choc. Cheers guys! Twas also Adam's birthday!

Today.. finished work at 12, got promised wine.. headed to foyer to get it.. was quickly forced to sing carols with a whole lot of other unwilling hostages also brought in by promise of wine. AH! Me and Rosanna made an escape to Brickfields and were soon joined by other escapees. Spent afternoon drinking with mates. Me, Rosanna and Henry were last to leave around half four. We are so the new Hardc0re 3 as Laura and Pete are no longer that hardcore.

Happily merry (off my face) I got a lift home with Mum, watched TV, Debbie Debs gave a pressie... will young calendar... can;t enough is what I say!

Off out in mo..

coming soon... Overview of 2003. The crappest year yet? very possibly. I promise myself next year I won't waste on stupid dreams and just fuck with as many peoples heads as poss. Much more fun. I have spent too long being nice to the wrong people and neglecting my mates. No more! I hate being nice. I shan't any more. Time to embrace my selfish and hateful side.

Same Old Story, and Dear John, So Along

I know, I know, I am blogging a lot recently but hey I ain't got a life anymore so I have the time!

Well done to Elliot who correctly answered my quiz! He gets a free drink when I next see him!

Ok... I have decided I must be just half a person. When I am with someone I am perfectly sane boring individual. When I am single I go off the deep end, do random stuff, plot destruction of world, all sorts...

But I really don't want a relationship anymore (too much hassle, emotional risk etc).

A conundrum. Maybe get myself a couple of himbos and keep them as pets... sounds the best solution to me...

Falling

I feel so empty. There isn't any other way of describing my mood at the moment. I think the song "Strange Glue" by Catatonia is the perfect song to reflect it tho and does a lot better describing it as well.

My family are moving to Droitwich. As I don't even know where this is on a map of the UK I shan't be going. Just at the time I want to mope about I have to pick myself up and sort my life out. Great.

I haven't really done much since Monday. Yesterday I was in charge of the entire call centre for an hour, being handed the emergency procedures as all the bosses went to lunch.

I need to go get three more presents today then my Xmas purchasing shall be done.

Anyone doing anything tonight for longer than two hours? I am wigging out here in Lypmne. When is Adam home? Did Laura/wifey say she is home today???

I hate being depressed. I just wanna cheer up. I wish more people could see that it ain't as simple as that. They all just go "Cheer up matey" and "Chin up". It ain't like that. I have a hole in my heart and it won't og away. And ps. this ain't about Gareth. Don't want people to think this is lovesickness. It ain't about anything it's just a state of mind. I wouldn't feel like this if I was with someone, but that's neither here nor there.

Cherish

I hate to admit it. I really don't want to face it. But I feel just like I did in December 2001. Ok. A little worse. I don't think the season has anything to do with it. I think it just so happens crap things happen in the months before Christmas. Oh let's face it. Crap things happen to me all year round, sometimes disguised as good things just so they can knock me down harder.

Today: realised I had messed up works secret santa. Me? Mess something up? Strange huh? Anyway sorted it out.

Found out a girl at work who I work closely with fancies me. This made me feel flattered but annoyed. This colours our friendship somewhat.

It was Staceys birthday which I remembered this year. Maybe it was the hourly countdown over the last 4 weeks that kinda drilled it into my mind.

Xmas spirit almost returned for the first year in the last three. But stubbornly I managed to avoid it. Do you think Santa could bring me a new life for Xmas? Far away from here. With my old mates there of course. But otherwise totally different. That's all I want. Not much? :o(

The Housesitter

Since Monday I have been in charge of Debbie-Debs house down in Hythe and her cat named Ed (who by the way is the cooootest cat ever!). Monday twas Mum's birthday so awoke early and gave her a card (To the best Mum in the world, still looking good at 29... *cough*) and a box of stuff from Lush. Also lent her 130 pounds. We drove down to Hythe with Mum listening to Michael Jacksons Number Ones album (constantly going "never tell anyone I am listening to this vile man!") and visitied Debbie Debs house so Debbie could show me the ropes and how to use the complex timed cat feeder.. scary! I asked what number house it was and Mum goes its the "opposite of a good time". Answers on a post card please (I know what it is!)

Stressful day at work... grr... did have fun looking at people in Hatfields kerazy hairstyles. Much amusement.

That night I trundled back into town and went to the Royal Cheriton. Not as bad as I thought. 12 of us from work showed up. We had a drink then wandered over to Savour Aroma for an all you can eat feast. The Chinese food was gorgeous. Me mates Henry and Lorraine were there. henry of course got very drunk and attempted to start a conversation about Saddam's capture. Very unsuccessfully. Good night, which ended traditionally with me and Henry staying till well beyond last orders in the pub!!!!!

Work today was tedious, after work went down to Hythe with intention of staying at Debbie's. But realising it was cold, had no net access, no curtains, and barest amount of furniture I only spent a couple of hours there, watching Buffy and keeping Ed company. He is sooooo sweet and cuddly. I want 3!!!!!!

Fell in love with the tabloid Indy last night after eddie at shop gave me one for free... woo!

Somebody Better Show Me Out

existentialism and Jean Paul Sartre

The Landmark Forum, and an article about it

Religion

What religion should you be?

According to the SelectSmart.com Belief System Selector, my #1 belief match is Unitarian Universalism. What do you believe? Visit SelectSmart.com/RELIGION

Jae Leads The Way To The G-Spot

I have noticed something worrying at work. No matter what happens, how trivial, or unwork related, I get consulted on everything! If someone wants to get sweets for the tuck box they ask my permission to take the money. When someone has an idea for Xmas decorations they tell me, then somehow they make out it was my plan all along and I end up directing it. WHY??? I don't want these responsibilities... exactly how did I become in charge of tuck box?? Why am I Xmas decorations director for half the rooms? Since when does someone require my permission to organise a work do! This must stop!!!!!!

So yesterday... I managed to charm one of the supervisors into letting me start, and thus finish half an hour early. After work me and David drove up to his girlfriends in Ashford to pick her (Lucy) and her cousin Dave up. Had some chips there, and got rid of her 2 and 1/2 year old son Bradley at his grans.

Lucy's house is like one of those you see on Life Of Grime or How Clean Is Your House? It is thus a place I LOVE! I want my hosue to be like that, so liberally tidy (i.e. covered in trash and belongings so much you can't walk on or even see the carpet)

Anyways... we headed to Hastings, and the house we were staying at in St Leonards. Twas a massive house with lots of rooms, and corridors that go round several corners. Thus obviously I got lost constantly...

Headed into town at about 9. Spent 5 minutes in taxi while those who know Hastings and taxi driver tried to find out where G2 was. I must of seen an article about it or something, cos from my subconcious came "Prospect place?" and immediately the taxidriver goes... "Oh I know where you mean!". Freaky or what???? anyway twasn't called G2 anymore it was called Xcess and it was members only...

So that's how we ended up in Yate's where I lusted over 6'6" god. Then we headed to some dive called G-Spot which was bigger, stickierversion of Jolsons. Only good thing about it was it lead to some laughs of the "Oooo... I think I've found the G-Spot" variety.

After an hour in there we thought we were going insane so went to late night dive.. sorry mean bar... called Heroes where we drank lots got involved with some Spaniards, and I won pool.. by default.. but I woN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had a good time. Got back to house, watched something on telly... went to sleep. Woke in morning... did hoovering (am so domestic!) and came home. Lucy dropped me and David off by his car, and he turns to me and goes "You know what, I think we need some McDonalds" that must be the second psychic event in less than 24 hours! :op

Got home, and watched double Cagney and Lacey while drinking coke, eating Dairy Milk and reading Guardian. Nothing better in the whole world. Cept a massive sex session with some hot guy/guys.... But really on a Saturday afternoon in Lympne how likely is that??

Return Of The Brain Dump

Unconnected jibberish - you have been warned

Being single is Hellish. It really is the loneliest kind of lonely. And it is so dull. Really boring.

Relationships.... do I really want one? Cos last time I had one I wasted six months in it for no apparent reason. Do I even believe in love anymore? (see this)

So I don't want to be single. But I don't wanna get involved in a relationship. What I want is a friendship with sex. No worries about the future, a constant here and now, no expectations relationship. hmm.. interesting.

Ok whens the best time to say "Hi hows things?" to your ex, in hopes of rebuilding friendship... January? Febuary? never?? I don't have any idea when to say hi to Gareth and go out with him and Jon (if they'll have me) for a night out.

It's all soooo confusing.

Then I Got High

Oh dear. Saturday night was my work's Xmas party at the Hotel Burlington. I arrived at seven and escorted Laura and Sarah H in. As the place began to fill up me and Sarah H began making plans for an early get away as it looked like it was going to be very boring.

But it actually turned out quite fun. The meal was lovely (if a tad cold), and thanks to Stacey's friend not showing up we had Gareth's meal as well as our own. Mmmmm...

After the meal, the Folkestone staff started dancing. The TVW staff retired to the drinking lounge for a chat. Angela got extremely drunk... David L and his girlfriend began arranging a blind date for me next Friday and a trip to Hastings to boot. I am a tad worried that I may have agreed to this. Claire showed her boobs. I realised the grapevine at work has finally got in to gear and more people are learning about my sexuality. Which is cool. Was planning to go home before midnight, but I got chatting with Sarah B and Kelly, and along with Henry decided to decamp to Jolsons (may the Gods of good taste forgive me).

There I charmed the doorstaff, danced very gayily to such songs as "I Think We're Alone Now" - Tiffany and YMCA. Some stuff happened which caused me, Sarah B and Kelly to vacate and get a taxi to Sarah's... where we stayed up till half 5 talking, drinking and eating dip. Feel asleep on Sarahs sofa..... woke up at half 7 feeling a lot like I had been hit by a truck. Stumbled into Cheriton, and made it to train station.... fell onto train... got off at Westenhanger and madce slow progress home... very slow and painful progress... and then got into bed and didn't get out of it till about 5pm Sunday evening!

Work today was full of post xmas party gossip. I did agree to a date on Friday, or at very least a drunkern night in a house in Hastings. Oh well.... nothing to lose. This weekend started off badly but it has overall been good for me. My feelings for my relationship with Gareth have become more nostalgic than anything. How naive was I??? Anyway have rediscovered my true love... beer.

On my way home today I walked into... Santa and his reindeer! A true story... turned out it was the local charity santa on his sled (mounted on a music playing truck) with reindeer about to go out collecting... scary!!!!!!

:op

I Think I Better Leave Right Now

Friday I went to Lakeside with Zoe, John and Elliot. It was fun, and rather productive. I bought Xmas presents; a Lush gift pack for Mum, a life sized Homer Simpson cut out for Tony, a Roger Rabbit DVD for Elliot, Rat Race DVD for John and Britney's new album for Laura. And some books and mags for myself.

Stupid comment of the day, while looking at the hamster leashs (!) in Time 4 Pets; "What would anyone need a Hamster leash for?" - Jae. Erm well let's think.... leashing a hamster perhaps?? D'oh!!!! I am silly sometimes!

Yesterday was a good day emotionally again, although was most unhappy with babysitting the twins as they were bloody bastards last night.

Glad that I have sent off for some eye care vouchers at work. My eye sight is getting quite awful now. It is not just annoying but a little frightening. I'll be glad to get to the opticians.

I am off the the Hotel Burlington in a while for the work do. Not actually looking forward to it. Today has been a bad day. Hopefully the work do will be fun... well with Angela and Stacey there it will be hard not to have a little laugh at least!

More Than You Can Ever Know

Today was my first good day since Wednesday last week. More decorations up at work. I have tomorrow off to go Xmas shopping. Saturday night is the work "Dinner dance". I am on what is being described as the dregs table (as in low life scum) cos we are all alcoholic, loud and obnoxious. And we shall live up to this title. There's gonna be me, Stacey, her boyfriend (who is using my spare ticket), Angela, Judith, Claire, and a few of the other usual suspects. The Burlington won't know what hit it.

I don't want a lot for Christmas, this is all I'm asking for:

1) to see my mates, and have a good laugh

2) to dance to cheesy xmas songs at as many xmas parties as possible.

3) to be happy and enjoy myself for a change.

Now listening to some proper rock (Kiss, Van Halen etc) cos it is very cool!

An Open Letter

Dear Jason

I thought I'd drop you a line, as I kinda of know what you're feeling, and felt I could be of some help. One week ago, things in your life returned to normal. A happy period came to an end and you have found yourself alone again.

It is now time to stop being miserable. Being sad and depressed just to prove to yourself and everyone around you, that you love and miss Gareth is not a recipe for happiness or self respect. (And don't try to deny that part of you is depressed just cos you would feel bad if people saw you had got happy so quickly and made assumptions about your feelings)

I know you don't want anyone in the future to say that it was a good thing that Gareth dumped you, so you want to remain depressed forever, but time to let go of being so darn proud!

Gareth dumped you, and it's time to move on. He ain't sitting at home being depressed about losing you. So why are you?

Move on, get over it... get a life!

Lots of love,

Jae x x

The End Of The Night Never Comes Too Quickly

Was awoken at 4 this morning by Angel bringing a live, and huge, mouse into my room... lovely...

Erm... today.... Rosanna declared her undying love for me after I betrayed my team and helped Correspondence put up their Xmas decoration (best decorated offices wins a prize!). Patricia was back from long term illness, and informed me I had secured my place in heaven by doing a late for her on New Years Eve... tis not like I have anything better to do before 6 on that day.

Gavin stole my Nemo toy at work, and left me a ransom note.... noooooooo.....

Life is crap has become my new mantra... do I have to go to work tomorrow?? me no wanna!

weekend already planned to be boring... Friday day starts promisingly with some Xmas shopping... but that is quickly followed by babysitting, then Saturday night taken with work do. Joy...

Settling back into singledom. Crap. Now I remember why I spend most of my time with randoms.. better than being alone. Ate no chocolate today and one apple.. Jackie at work was most worried!