come back to what you know

Laying It To Rest

God, I am so glad that yesterday is over. That was one horrible day and night.

Ste phoned lasted night which was nice of him. We spent hours catching up.

I have decided the best way to cheer up is to forget about the last six months. I should just carry on where I left off in May. So May - November 2003 goodbye! I shan't be moping around on this blog about it anymore.

Xmas is looking to be just like the last two Xmas' have been; crap. I can not wait for January. I am not going to be expecting Xmas to cheer me up this year, which was the mistake I made last year.

Planning lots of distractions over the next month, such as shopping trips, trips to London to meet mates, random trips to far off places, and also working my socks off. May do what Gavin and Jo do at work and work all day from 8am - 6pm. More money in January for me.

Need To Know

Yesterday after work I headed out with Zoe to the Leas Club, Elliot was there already and it was good to be out with my mates. Ray and his brother Steve turned up shortly after (Ray is Zoe's new thingy [don't know what they are calling themselves.. probably Zoe and Ray no doubt]). Rob, two randoms, and Arron turned up as well. Had an ok night. Drunk lots. Got called a slut and a manwhore. Hmm....

Zoe was very sweet and bought me a big bar of Dairy Milk to cheer me up.

Today was a 'orrible day. Had to go to Gareth's to pick up some stuff I had left there. On train from Westenhanger to Ashford there was a crazy lady (who I got the joy to sit opposite). She jumped off train while it was just about to start to stop. Silly lady.

Got to gareth's went in picked up bag, left quickly, locking door behind me. I wander off down street thinking my bags slightly heavier than it should be. I stop and upon invesigating discover i have a DVD and video in there I didn't put in it. It was a nice thought of Gareth's but it just made things seem even worse.

So I gott'd trains home (I have been on 5 trains today!). Only good thing today was the cute bloke I saw on the way home from London the other week, was on the train again, and this time we both got off at Westenhanger. Turns out he lives in Lympne. Cool.

Otherwise it has been a crappy day of a crappy week. Now I am off to eat lots of chocolate and watch TV. Woo.... I spose this is what I have to look forward to in the foreseeable future, as Zoe is now otherwise engaged (which is grreat don't get me wrong) and I have nowt better to do.

But I don't have the right to be with you tonight

Life is shit.

After the horrible pain of yesterday, my love hurt has become a dull pain. Which is far worse. It hurts and yet a part of me doesn't want the hurt to go because it feels that if I stop hurting, I'll somehow lose a part of what I had. If that makes sense?

Went to work today. Cancelled my holiday. Gave away my other ticket to the Xmas do. Generally put on a smiley face and pretended there wasn't a big black hole in my head.

Mum came home today. Don't know where she's been for the last six days. She gave me a hug, first hug with my mum in many a year.

Do you know what's really horrible? It's the fact I wanna text/phone him and go "God I feel crap" or "I need a hug". And sometimes I even reach for the phone to do so, before my brain reminds me that I can't. That he isn't my boyfriend. And then that opens up the whole "I ain't ever gonna get a hug from him again" can of worms. And I don't think I have the time to write about that!

Life is, as always, shit.

PS thanks you everyone who has phoned/texted/messaged/commented it means a lot to know I have some good mates and has really helped keep my chin up a little. big hugs and don't worry about me, you know how melodramatic I am, I'll sort myself out, just gotta move on. Even if I don't want to. :o(

Come Back To What You Know

I don't really know what to say. Gareth dumped me today. I had kinda been expecting it. Doesn't make it any easier. How foolish I was to let happiness in.

Did I expect that the world would suddenly start treating me ok?? What a fuck up Jay. You really are a fool and also pretty useless... can't even keep a relationship going for longer than six months.

So normal service resumes, waiting for some fictional knight in shining armour to come and speed me off to some fictional eden. No more of living in the real world for me as that ain't got me no where. Back to fantasy... hmmm....maybe I should give Rome a second chance??

off to continue sobbing into a pillow... thanks Zoe and Ben for the phone calls (altho why Ben was phoning I don't know... who told him???)

And I Smile

I do like my work. Not the actual job itself but the people there are so nice and funny that you can't help but like them.

Stacey and I headed to the pub at lunch and had a goss. Henry was there and I managed to bring his horoscope to life (It ended with "Spend more time with J") He he....

Organised secret santa at work today (I get all the fun jobs!) and I got Paul who is easy to buy for (in his Gift idea section he wrote "A can of Carling and some scratch cards".... this is the easiest present ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Either Way

I know I am a selfish bastard. I know I ain't the nicest, or the smartest guy out there. But sometimes I wish fate would just give me a break.

Anyway enough of my self conscious and immature ego stroking. How are you? I have been to Gareth's and me, him and Jon had a Saturday night in watching girlie movies (that's the Blockbuster staff's verdict on them anyway).

Today I went on a bus.... woo...

Yes my life is one non stop rollercoaster of emotion and fun.... or not....

A Multitude Of Sins

Thursday I went to Cineworld with Zoe, John, and Elliot to see Love Actually. It was ok, but really depressing. Which I don't think it was meant to be. Oh dear!

Friday was a Children In Need Fun Day, and as per my social committee responsiblities, I managed to raise about £40 quid from my two pet projects; a book sale and a table football tournament. Over all the office looks set to have raised over £350 pound!.

I got off work early as I had volunteered to help man the Children in Need phones! I went up with Stacey and Lorraine and David, Rosanna and Julie came up in David's car. We made good progress to Hatfield so decided to stop off at South Mimms services for a break. This was a stupid error. The traffic was so awful when we left it took us 40 minutes to go... 100 yards!!!!!!!!!!

By the time we got there we had 3 minutes till the lines opened..... panic! The calls for our area were being handled by our companies HQ, and it was good to finally meet some people who we chat to every day, friends and collegues who had until now been faceless voices on the phone. Being in an offshoot office can leave you feeling rather isolated.

We were there flying the flag for Folkestone office for 3 1/2 hours the quickest 3 1/2 hours in my life. The calls were good natured, but alas we had some stupid people. Most stupid of which was one woman who phoned and (she was a grown adult by the way) asked if she could speak to Busted "cos she has just seen em on the telly". She seemed generally shocked when I said they weren't in our call centre! Madness! Lots of "I LOVE SHANE RITCHIE" calls and men phoning up and offering hundreds of pounds for a Will Young autograph "for their wives". Yeah right mate....

Anyway was most exciting and we even had food bought for us,... mmm.... and really hot guy serving drinks... mmmmmmmm..... Had a good laugh with Stacey and Lorraine on way there and back.

All This In My Head

Dude Where's My Country by Michael Moore is grrreat... but have some reservations about expressing my undying love for Mr Moore.... see Spinsanity.

Christmas pressies.... need to get buying....... Amazon

While the rest of the country has said their final farewells to an evil law Kent retains the spirit of Section 28 within it's school curricullum. Kent is the county I have lived in all my life. And for the first time I feel a lot like leaving for good. Of all the places to keep it.. it has to be the county I live in... bloody Kentish Conservatives..... I think it is the most stupid law... no homosexual wants to promote homosexuality.. we just don't want gay children to be left without infomation and help during a very difficult and scary period in their lives. I know straight people will not have experienced it but I am sure that they can understand what it's like to realise you are not only different to everyone else, but are different to what you thought you were. Gay kids with the info are going to be far more "normal" than gay kids without.

it's the price i am willing to meet

So after completing my last blog I got myself a train from Westenhanger to Ramsgate and dossed at Gareth's house waiting for him to come home. We had dinner and headed for Canterbury and Bar 11 (our second home?). Managed with an amazing amount of flair to spill lager down me. Joy! Jon and his mates Karen and Malcolm (last seen at Jon's birthday trip to London). There was a very amusing lady who after screaming "COCAINE" at the top of lungs was dragged (literally) from the bar andthen after much banging on windows was sat upon by someone, he looked like a bouncer but maybe he was just some passerby, who happened to feel the need to restrain her. She was a plonker so I can't blame him.

Saw Greg and his friend from London Pride there as well. After lots of drinking in Bar 11 we headed for Girls And boYs. Now I know that I said it was crap last time, but after going to Caddies and there being only 3 people there last time it was on, we HAD to go this time or just not bother clubbing at all. It was some army theme night and I only just managed to avoid getting covered in camoflage paint (a lucky escape!).

Turned out the night wasn't as awful as before. In fact with the help of some light refreshments (i.e. lots and lots of beer!) I danced! Amazing!!! I saw Katy from work, and hugged her. I am sure she was pleased about that.. or not..

Anyway, after getting in car to go home my memory begins to fade....

Sunday we got up and rushed around getting ready for lunch with Jon in Bar 11! When I went to get some drinks Angela (the owner) looks at me and goes "Not you again!". Anyway had gorgeous roast dinner with Turkey (early Thanksgiving?). If you are ever in Canterbury and fancy a nice, inexpensive meal in pleasant surroundings you can't go wrong with Bar 11. And no it is not a gay bar! It has families and old married couples there during the day!!!

After that we went shopping, I bought Beetlejuice on DVD (rocking!!!!!!!!). Me and Gareth went back to his and watched Finding North, a gift I'd picked him up when I was in Prowler Soho on Friday.

All in all a nice weekend.

I didn't get my job that I applied for. Was warmed by the fact that neither did anyone else. We were all too rubbish for the job!!!!!!!!

Right must dash off to a Social Committee meeting..... hmm.. I'd thought I'd resigned.....

When You Wish Upon A Star

As is tradition on this blog at times of the year when I expect pressies I put on a ***Wish List***. Just so anyone who wants to buy me something knows what I want!!

he he...

Ok so yesterday. I headed for town and got my hair cut, then caught a train to London. On the train I had to listen as a Christian school teacher tried to convert a Buddhist Nepalese mother and child. (Folkestone has a high concentration of Nepalese as the Gurhkas are stationed in Shornecliffe Barracks). It was cringe worthy stuff.

I arrived in London and headed for Soho (shocking but true!). Bought stuff in Prowler Soho, and as I left was confronted by a Madame "Wanna come in and see some of my girls for free?" "Erm.. not really, I am gay" (which should of been obvious by my coming out of the biggest gay shop in Soho....) "Oh... I see... that's.. er... nice..."

I went to Tower Records and HMV and spent hours lusting in Bookers and Waterstones over books... bought some Xmas gifts. Got lost in a cavernous department store I always forget the name of (and always get lost in, it's a grand tradition!).

Wandered around touristy locales marvelling at the beauty of London on a winters day. Well it was more autumnal yesterday. The Sun shone thru the trees on the Mall, which had British and American flags flying all the way up and down its length (there's a state visit by President Bush Jnr next week). Even the centre of evil (Buckingham Palace) looked rather glorious. And was taken by the Pelicans in St James Park. I've never noticed them before.

One thing... High and Mighty on Oxford Street is the most awful High and Mighty I have ever been in!! Shall stick to Brighton and Croydon for clothes shopping from now on.

Headed back to Folkestone on train staring at most gorgeous guy in world who for a brief while made life just that bit more beautiful. He left the train at my home station Westenhanger, off for some amazingly romantic adventures I am certain.

I carried on to Folkestone and meet up with Zoe and Claire (back from uni for weekend). headed to Claire's, where I reaquainted myself with my seat. Don't ask. Then went to Zoe's and saw her Mum and Chips (her cat).

Once Zoe was ready we went to my house, I got ready, then we headed for Spoons had a meal, went to Skuba to meet... Ben. We then headed to Leas Club where Zoe saw Gem and me and ben spotted Matt. Then twas home via very scary Romney Marsh roads (dropped Ben off home in Palmarsh).

And I Smile As They Are Taking Me Over

Sunday: met Gareth at Skuba and we sorted somethings out, then headed to Spoons and saw John, Zoe, Elliot, Pete, and Kim. Got last train home.

Monday. Nada

Tuesday. Nada

Wednesday. Nada

Today was my second stage interview... scary.... will soon know if I got the job or not.

Have day off tomorrow.. off to London, if you wanna come or wanna meet up shout!

So Sorry

Wednesday I worried about my interview. Thursday was filled with my stressed out last minute work on presentation. It went a lot better than I thought (which really wasn't that difficult). After work Jon came and picked me up and we headed to Gareth's for a meal.

I dn't know what I have done to upset him but I must of done something as Gareth has been very short with me of late. I feel rather crappy at mo.

Anyway enough of my stupidity. Meal was lovely, although I was dead tired and not very good company (am I ever?).

Friday I find out that I have to do the whole presentation all over again this Thursday as the interviewers couldn't make up their minds. This is so wrong!!!!!

After work I headed home, Zoe came and picked me up. We headed for town, meet up with John and Elliot and went to the Leas Club, where we meet up with Rob, Arron and *cue drumroll and red carpet* Pete. Also saw James Price which was rather random. Arron goes "James this is Jae, Jae this is James"

"We know each other already"

"Really... how??"

"It's a long story..."

It certainly is! He he...

Right off to try to reconnect with my teenage melancoly.... (sp????)

My Head Hurts But I Don't Know Why

Sunday, while Gareth worked, I headed off to Canterbury for a few hours to browse. Which is all you can do for most of the morning, I was soon to discover. Although shops such as Waterstones don't sell anything till 11 a.m. on a Sunday they do open before that for some browse time. This is a very clever move on their part. I ran in there, grabbed a book, headed to the check out, before i overheard that it's only "browse time". Being too embarassed to replace book and come back when they properly opened I wandered round pretending to browse.

I don't really shop. I buy. I normally know exactly what I want before I arrive, get it and leave. Impulse purchases are rare. So getting this extra time to browse, I started to shop. Before I knew it I had a pile of book as long as my arm and twice as high. Away with my budget and free time for the rest of my pay month!!! Among purchases: Dude Where's My Country by my political hero Michael Moore and the Darwin Awards 3. Even more amusing ways people have killed themselves. He he...

Then a quick shop in HMV relieved me of more of that weighty money in my pocket. Halloween 5 (truely awful... 4 was good for a sequel, 5 totally tosh.. I loved it) and Halloween Resurrection (for the post Blair Witch generation que bad camera angles). Watched Final Destination on Sunday night with Gareth. Funny how I can watch all sorts of horror moviesfor hours and not get scared while that movie and it's sequel terrify me! Love them.

Monday got train to work from Gareths as per usual.

My interview/presentation for new job is on Thursday at half one. The other three candidates are really taking it seriously. They seem very competitive. I am nervous (but then again I worry about EVERYTHING) but shall do my best. And try not to let it worry me so much!

Mum is away. Haven't seen her in bloody ages. She has taken to phoning me. You wouldn't think we lived in the same house!

It is Guy Fawkes Night tomorrow (again, it comes around quickly!) but for once I shall most likely be staying in swotting up on my presentation (had a free choice of presentation.. have chosen the Water Cycle).

Folkestone is Doomed!

Firstly.. much intriuge regarding new job. Everyone seems to have chosen the person they are supporting for the job. I do have supporters.. Woo!

Halloween Fun Day went off well. But feeling really rather badly treated by the staff I decided to resign from the Social Committee. I don't give my free time just to be insulted.

Went on a "WORK NIGHT OUT" last night. Not many bothered to turn up but there was Angela, Judith, Lorraine, Henry, Rosana (I've got her number) and Alex. Then caught train to Ramsgate and stayed with Gareth.

Michael Howard. My MP. Tory Leader Elect. I say NO!!!! He is the one politician who lives up to all the stereotypes. He is smarmy, and he will go out of his way to avoid answering the questions. And if he becomes leader the chances of us Shepway Lib Dems of winning the next election become minimal!!!