come back to what you know

Hey You With The Pretty Face

Sorry to have neglected you all.

Things that have happened...

meet a guy named Nick in Ashford who had slept with Stephen...

slept with Mark...

still miss you know who... I make myself sick sometimes...

found out one of my mates at work was a member of the BNP.... excruciating choices to be made next week

am off to Hatfield in the company of Homophobic Idiot from work... who still doesn't know I'm gay. Joy.... all for a an induction day (I've been there a bloody year!)

went out with Zoe and Ray last night... saw Little Gem...

am suprisingly chirpy at mo... off out to girls and boys in Canterbury with him tonight..

Mr Blue Sky

Firstly it's Holocaust Day. Let us all remember the horrors the human race can inflict upon each other. Guardian piece

Secondly...

I have been dating a guy caled Mark for last week and a half... meals, drinks and a panto. He is very nice. Will keep you posted.

Work continues pretty much the same... having resigned from floorwalking I am pondering moving on. Today Angela shocked me by going "this really isn't a job for men". I looked at her and told her she was speaking tosh. "Well I can tell you aspire to more Jason, although you'd never admit it. And you need a lot more, or you get bored"

"Angela", I said, "I sincerely hope everyone here aspires to more than this miserable existence!"

But that's Daily Mail readers for ya isn't it!

Family life.. after the shock of affairs and the evils of Beth things go along pretty much as usual.

"Even though you fool your soul,
Your conscience will be mine"

I resigned from floorwalking today... I just couldn't hack it anymore..

I am still alive,.... just focussing on my livejournal at mo. Most entries are secured only for "friends" (that;s anyone who asks!)

A Revelation

As you may or may not know, I am always one to try and get my beliefs out of tension. Basically this means making sure that all my beliefs are squared up across the board, and complement each other.

I will admit now that I have always had a general bias against Israel. I always have.. I've just seen it as a symbol of opression and all that is wrong with the world. But... oh dear God I about to say something that I shall be strung up for... my opinions have finally shifted.

My opinions of countries are becoming more and more influenced by their treatment of homosexuals and other sexual minorities. Israel has a far better record than any of the Arab countries around it, and than the Palestinian Authority.

I have been reading many articles about the origins of the Israeli state and the creation of the Palestinian refugee problem. Today I watched "Days That Shoke The World" which details May 14th 1948 the day of the declaration of Independence. Very inspirational. So I promise to be a lot more tolerant in my personal views about the Israel-Palestine conflict. So ner!

And interesting Guardian articles:

What's Love Got to Do With It? and

The roadhog right cannot deny it: speed cameras work. Speed cameras are a subject I am particularly moved by... if you break the law, and you are stupid enough to be caught (fools!) then you should pay the price... full stop. Either don't break the law (cos you could run over someones child, a crime far worse than most I can think of) or don't get caught and keep stum about your criminality... (cos if you don't you deserve to go to prison simply for being a plonker).

Prospects? Nah, not round here...

Watched documentary last night about the famine in Ethiopia. Very moving. Glad there are people out there who can be bothered to do something about it. Unlike me. Cos, well, I'm a lazy prat.

Also read this. Ditto above statement.

Erm in personal life. Arranging dates left right and centre (good non sexual, proper ones before Zoe tells me off!) but really I should be getting to grips with how I'm feeling instead of filling my time to avoid confronting my emotions. Obviously I won't... but I really should...

PS would someone rich and famous come marry me and take me away to a castle in the sky? Come on... you know you want to.. look I'll even settle for Johann Hari here... yes the Independent columnist... No, I wasn't reading the Independent.. never... honest... eek... *runs away*

Right To Reply

Ok. Here goes....

Firstly, I really am not a fan of Kilroy's.

Secondly I don't believe what he said to be right

Thirdly racism is deplorable.

But...

1) All this fracas over an article in the Express is a bit strange. Racists have a right to freedom of speech. I know that hurts... but they do! We have to beat them, by winning the argument, not by stiffling it and sending it underground!

2) Arab countries (not peoples) have a lot of human rights abuses to consider and amend, (like most nations!). I, obviously, am particularly interested in gay rights and the extreme lack of them in these nations! They deserve a better apology from Kilroy, then they can apologise to all the people they have hurt, and we can all have a group hug.

3) Its the Express... who reads that???

4) kilroy is a prick... I think this goes someway to explaining his article.

Anyway.. enough chat... back by popular request... the male body...

Mmmm...

Needles In My Eyes

I did go to my arranged meeting with a bloke in town. Ended up in a hotel, having sex. Raised my spirits for a nanosecond. On way home train didn't stop at Westenhanger like it was supposed... grr... had to go to Ashford and change there. Double grr... with a cherry on top.

Back to work today. It's really not what I need right now. But life seems to go on regardless of feelings.

At home, alone on a Friday night. Not one text to my phone since Zoe asked me what the closest tube station to the science museum was.. I advised South Kensington.. hope I am right!

In better news have been invited to a party tomorrow night round Patricia's for her birthday.. got proper invite and everything.. says Jason and Guest. Laughed at that. Not in a happy way tho.

My temper is very short at mo. That is not a good sign based on past experience. Had a go at STUPID woman yesterday who was standing pointlessly in middle of path and kept getting in my way each time I tried to get round her. She looked pretty shocked. Good. Please note this was the only path for miles around, in the middle of nowhere... she had to go out of her way, to be in anyone elses!

Where Did I Go Wrong?

Went out last night with Zoe, Ray and John to see LOTR at Ashford Cineworld. Was cool.

I've lost my way again. Going from one sexual encounter to another, my faith slowly disappearing.

I'm so lonely. I know it'smy own fault. But that don't change how I feel, does it?

I have to be honest with ya. I starting... thinking.. about.... suicide. Only thinking mind you! Life is crap. Life will always be crap. I don't deserve any better.

Now I am going to go and get myself fucked by some bloke, who I don't know, hoping maybe that he'll cuddle me for a while, and make things better, just for a few hours.

And The Answer To Our Question Was:

I have been undertaking a very shallow and totally empty survey. Who is sexier gaydar guys or OUT guys. Few various meetings, chats and browses I can say without a doubt... that the OUT guys win! Well done.

Now I feel totally devoid of everything at mo. That's the only way of describing howI feel. I am managing to fill my time with meaningless sex. Which is great sex, but leaves me feeling cold nevertheless. No smile seems to reach my eyes. No laugh warms my heart. Even a nice, long, hard shag hasn't managed to cheer me.

I am more lonely than I've ever been before.

Dear Constant Reader

Happy New Year!

My NYE was rather random. Well what else would it be with me involved! I had been invited to a do in London, but I said no as I thought my mates were all down and we'd probably go out somewhere. When it dawned on me on NYE that I was the only one with out plans I was rather annoyed! I went to work at midday and we were released early at 3pm. I was so happy. Rosanna, David, Charlie, James and I headed to Brickfields. Charlie spent the next hour persuading me to go to London and to a club called Slimelight with her. I rather reluctantly agreed.

After a rushed trip to my house so I could get dressed more appropriately (black, black, black, black) we caught a train from Westenhanger. We sat in first class carriage, with no problems.. have to do that more often! Got to Waterloo East, hung round Waterloo, got a text from a guy and started thinking about going with him instead... it was your usual Slimelight/sex conundrum. We headed on the tube to Charing Cross to meet Charlies mate Sarah. After we met her I decided to make my move. This annoyed Charlie a lot. Sorry!

Anyway had a wonderful evening, and got home around 10 am NYD. Still would have been better to celebrate with my mates but oh well!

Spent whole day on net NYD making new friends... he he... NYD night was about to get to sleep when I got a phone call. Guy anted to meet up with me. Have arranged meeting for Tuesday

After work Friday I went to Brickfields for a collegues leaving do... crappy service!!!!! Food took forever! Then Mum came picked me up and did a handover to Zoe and Ray when we got to my house. Went to Leas Club where John was waiting for us. Little Gem appeared with some guy called Dave (?) from my school... I put on lots of music, Zoe gave me a lift home.

Just a few minutes ago my mum came into my room and goes:

"I have something to tell ya"

"What??"

"I have been having an affair for 4 weeks"

Jae bursts out laughing.

"It's not funny! At least call me a tart or something!"

It was amusing tho... I feel bad for Tony, I can imagine how he must feel. Poor bloke. But still on Mum's side very amusing... what is she like??