It Has Been A Very Horrible Day

Everyone here is depressed, except me, which means I am in yet another really angry, ready to tear off some ones head/arms/legs mood. Not even got a Toblerone to cheer me up, and even if I did I wouldn't eat it as I have lost my appetite completely.

But to remain cheerful I decided to get an online birth chart reading. Here are some excerpts....

.....Be sure to reward the loyalty you value.... It's easy to enjoy new duties and routines. You can improve your sense of well being. Take pleasure in new experience. Personal relations get better now.... Consider abstract subjects. Make a dream come true.... Rather than plunging into a bottomless pit, keep your eye on self-transformation.........

.........TIP: Your power is volcanic Jason. Within you is a crucible of creation................

.........Altogether, you prefer to deal with pleasant realities. When you're under too much emotional stress, you vacillate and procrastinate, especially when it has something to do with money. Occassionally you can become ultra aggressive when feeling emotionally or physically cornered...............

...........You need partnership, including mental compatibility. When your primary relationship is going well, you're most happy, when it's not you are most unhappy............

Not The Way It Seems

After re-reading my last few posts I get the feeling some people may think I am depressed or something. I am not!! Just very annoyed with myself for allowing myself to start fancying Ben. So no need to worry, okay?

Debbie Debs and Tony have gone to France today.... I am guessing a big Toblerone gift is on its way... joy!!!!

Mum On A Rampage

Mum got a new car on Friday as she starts a new job on Monday. She is very proud of it. Now it would seem George was throwing stones yesterday and one accidently hit mum's car. She found out today. She is in one of her moods (this happens every weekend) and has made George feel really awful.

It was when she said, "You never threw stones did you Jason?" to me in front of George that I went mad. I have more important things to do than put up with more of her silly mind games. I shouted at her, berated her, told her george hadn't meant to do it and to let it go!! My anger is increased ten fold.

While babysitting last night I went onto the gay chat rooms, places I haven't been in years. It's nice to talk with other guys about politics and sex etc. Calmed me down. Pride Season starts on the 6th with London Mardi Gras. Anyone wanna come to Brighton Pride on the 11th of August? All welcome.

A Mystery

Hello, okay I just got an email from a guy called Mark. He says he knows me and he knows I was once known as Jason Martindale. Here is his profile.

Member Name: Mark
Location: Atlantis
Sex: Male
Marital Status: Single & Fabulous
Hobbies: Erm... DIY
Computers: Lap - Top
Occupation: Student
Personal Quote: Loaded with cum & cash

Who is he? How does he know me? Only bloke i remember called Mark who would know my email is my first well shag..... But he wouldn't have known me as jason martindale. I am very confused. I haven't been called that since I was about 10.

Jae Flips Out

I went shopping today with Chris, pete, John and Zoe where Pete got a brand spanking new phone, which is the exact one that Ben has. While purchasing aXm from WHSmith the cashier attempted to make conversation, but I blanked her, I had other things on my mind (more of which in a mo). Said cashier turned out to be the lovely Annie. Sorry Annie, really sorry. I really didn't realise it was you.

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I am in a really angry mood with myself. I even turned away a chinese take away, mum's clever effort to cheer me up. I think people should know me well enough by now to guess... Jae has another obsession. Ben. I am absolutely in a rage with myself for letting it happen, and am glad I won't be seeing him very often now as otherwise I would go mad with obsessiveness. Yet again I fancy the most unattainable man possible. So right now I am babysitting B and G in a really bad mood. Always my mind and heart set out to make life hellish for myself. Grrr...

Incidently Pete introduced me to a new spelling of Jay which I really like. Jae rules!!!

All Sobered Up

Time for a sober account of last night. Me and Pete went to Skuba as planned. Lee greeted us "Hello Ladies" and we had a nice time, with dancing lesbians, camp barmen and some really nice people at the bar who chatted to me when ever I went up there. This was quite often.

Becky, Emily and Ben arrived and we moved on to the Leas Club. Becky and Emily were already drunk, and i was well on my way there. Meet John in Leas. Becky and Ben kept asking me, quite cruelly, "where do you find your friends?", which I didn't justify with an answer.

I went to the loo and Ben went with me, to chat, he wouldn't let me leave him alone in there as straights scare him. Me and Ben with little regard for my mates, ran to catch up with the girls who were already well on their way down the hill to the clubs. I feel in a hole. Embarassing.

Ben couldn't get into the club because he was wearing trainers, and my interest in the night ended. Got really bored, and drunkenly angry. And John never did turn up all tho I waited up for him until 04:45.

Still Totally Fucked Up

While drunk i suppose i should be honest. do i fancy ben? no. it really is that he has final;y made me remember that str8 people are only out to hurt me (no offense meant). i am gay, and the formally hated ghetto looks veryb safe and appealing right now.

somebody save me.

Totally Fucked Up

So I am drunk right now. Oh yes, I went to skuba with pedro and that was fine. I got a little tipsy. ok so a lot tipsy. ty=hen becky, emily and ben arrivced and i was quite happy to see them., we all went to leas club, met johnny (with h, don't taslk to jon without h anymore), i went to loo where ben told me to look after him as straight blokes were around.

he informed me the girls had left for the club so we ran (with little regard for poor pete and john, sorry) to join them, i fell down hgole. got in club, ben didn't, he went home.

joined pete and john and we went beach (club) where ig ot bored and realised i was turning into "evil jason". I quickly left the club. i apologise to everyone. Evil jason took over and i remember throwing a couple of upstart rudies to the ground outsidre debenhams (they wanted fags i think). Became scary, people crossed road to avouid me. i am not in a good mood. in fact i feel like smashing things right now.

straights bore me, any help here? Can no longer bear straight places (no offence to my mates who i really like)

waiting for john, he is staying over.

TFI Friday

Surreal night last night. Check out Pete's Site for a blow by blow (no dirty thoughts please!!) account.

This morning I was paid and the evil cash machine let me have money!!!!!! Muhaha!!

I was buddied up with a lady named Jane in the morning, went to the Leas Club for lunch in Dave's car, then returned, gave Lynn a bunch of flowers, a card and a bottle of wine. I then joined my team and went LIVE on my OWN!!! Traing is now over, I am a big kid now. Had a nasty bloke on phone who made my life a living hell for 5 minutes. Bastard.

I am going out on a work night out tonight I'll probably be in Skuba if any one wants to join me. Phone me at home to arrange it if you know my number. All welcome!!

OK. OK. OK.

Got 91% on my second test and then went live. Oh yes it is now just one day between me and proper work and just the lovely Becky for company. It will be sad. I mean I will still see the group, only far less frequently.

Today the customers were arses. My buddy was a lovely French girl called Reena. Everyone was complaining and miserable. Or just plain dumb. Oh well, Reena said it was just a bad day.

This morning we did a round of "what you doing tomorrow?" I simply mentioned that I wouldn't mind going to Skuba but doubted my friends would come.

Returning from my session on the phones Becky and Emily informed me that their (+ Ben) would be going to Skuba as well. I think it was just a passing thing, not really serious. But they are definetly interested. They will also being going down the front. I shan't as my mum is too (it's her leaving do for work), and clubbing with your mum is not my idea of fun!!

I say OK way too much on the phone it's reflexsive and I really need to stop it!! And today I was told I was the most talkative of the group.

Oh and before I forget I saw Elliot at McDonalds when I went there with Becky, Emily and Ben. Pete great idea about Skuba tonight!!

Good Luck Fay

Today at lunch time Fay and I left early to "go to Tesco's". As we drove there she told me that she was leaving for a new job at ABC Holidays call centre. It was quite a shock especially as this morning Emily had been talking about people who leave during training to Lynn. It's really quite sad as I like Fay, she is intelligent and good natured. I wish her luck in her new job. She was escorted out of the ETCC after lunch by Lynn. During afternoon break me, Ben and Emily (the non-smoking group) sat round the table starring at Fay's empty seat. :o(

New temps started today. They stole our table!! Will tell them off tomorrow. They need to know their place!!

We go officially live tomorrow, and will thus probably not be together on Friday. I doubt I will see much of Ben anymore so it really is time to find myself some gay friends. Time to go to Skuba, no?!

Going Live

I became the first person in my group to handle a call!! I went live!! 9 calls to my name now (my first was an upgrade to Club Class WooHoo!!). New temps start training tomorrow so it won't be long before we must fly the nest.

We also had a test on the MARCUS computer system. Hope I did well. Went to Leas for lunch, on the way Fay stopped to get fuel so me and Ben had some time to chat "gay". We discussed how having gay friends is different to straight mates, our various trips to G.A.Y, and his rugby playing boyfriend. His life is like a fairy tale. dreams do come true.

I was buddied up with a German girl named Steph who forced me to take calls and told me how everyone was chatting about me at lunch. Grr........

Tonight was great. John, Elliot, Chris, Zoe, Pete and I went to Brookhill Country Park and had a BBQ. Zoe cooked and it was fun!! We had the whole place to ourselves. Thanks guys. Muchos gracias.

We Saw The Whole Of the Moon

Some apologies: Sorry to all those who thought I might go to 'Spoons tonight. But Zoe did ask me out before you so I kind of had to honour my agreement with her. Sorry guys.

I have just had one of those evenings that turn out to be so very unexpectedly nice. Chris, Zoe and I headed up to the East Cliff (that's near the martello towers and that great big pill box) and flew a kite, played some Snitch (a game involving a velcro ball and some velcro pads, work it out) and then went and got snacks at Sainsburys.

After that we headed for the White Cliffs of Dover and watched the ships sail in and out of port, complained as the view of France was far better from the East Cliff, and watched the red moon rise over France, spectacuarly quickly. Really peaceful and rather lovely. That was until a giant horse hornet attacked causing us to flee to the car (running, screaming like small children), which it dive bombed occassionally. A couple seemed to be doing some rather unsavoury things in the car next to us (no not actually next to us in Zoes car!!).

Hands up. Who likes their job?

Last night was dragged out last night wearing, shock horror, shorts. Went with Chris, Zoe and Pete to Pete's dads house, Macdonalds, a park, Hythe Canal, Pete's mums house (watched crystal maze). Yet another surreal night.

Work again today (really nice sunny day) and in exciting news I have been assigned a team (Jenny and some French lady surpervising) for next week and I have my first weeks shifts (early on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday).

Learnt about insurance and amendments today. I had to buddy up with a guy named Jeremy today and do all the typing during the calls. Him being cute, gay and Australian made it very hard to concentrate. As Lynn got my chair she warned me the back was loose and I shouldn't lean back in case "you end up with your legs in the air". This caused Ben so much amusement that even two hours later he was still giggling about it!!

Tracey, agancy lady, came round as she is interviewing more temps and told me off (in a jokey way!!) for being a "miserable old bastard" as I didn't acknowledge her waving to me last Wednesday when she did her rounds. I just did the "ooh err" handbags at dawn symbol and she laughed.

Becky is "annoyed". Sarcastically of course as she has the same shifts as me and we are in the same team!! By the end of this week my group will split up to join their teams and we all agree it will be a sad day.

I went to Leas Club for lunch in Kat's car. And no Karen I really don't watch BB3 anymore. It is rubbish.

Two Weeks In Review

It has almost been two weeks since I started the great "New and Improved Jason Project 2002". The first stages are complete. I have a job. I have dumped Stephen. I am shedding the final remants of my shyness. Success!!

But still to come. Jason stops bitching and starts being ultra outgoing and friendly. Jason gets a whole new, cuter boyfriend. Jason expands his group of friends to include not only the nice Folkestone lot but a fair proportion of random bods (Pete I blame you for my use of the word "bods" :o) ).

I suspect many of you think I have a crush on Ben. I don't. What I have is an obsession with the fact that I have found a gay bloke who I am not going out with/shagging. It's great, I like it. Reminds me of Uni Zoe who I used to chat with. A feeling of utter openess (FLASHBACK: did I invent the word "backness" last night?) that I am only just starting to foster with the Folkestone crew. More gay/bi/lesbian friends per favor!!

Aftermath

So I am single!! Woohoo!! But having dumped Stephen it means I now have a grand total of 0 gay friends left. I know I shouldn't care but isn't it nice sometimes to have someone on your own wave length to talk to? Having Ben at work has made me appreciate it even more. Need to get more gay friends (where the last ones all went I don't know).

I went out last night with Pete, John, Chris, Zoe, Laura, Chris (G), Smiley Laura, and Adam. I drank a large portion of a bottle of Jack Daniels (never a good idea!!), and paid the price all night being drunk, with a pair of really awful beer googles. The security guard at the Leas club was nice wasn't he?? They all went down Indigo with my free tickets. I really didn't feel like going.

I did see Mat (and that is how he spells it) from work at the Leas. Said hi.

The Deed Is Finally Done

I just broke up with Stephen. It's kind of a shock to the system to say the least. I don't feel altogether good about it although I am not regreting it that much. I know lots of people joke and jest about me and Stephen but we have been going out so long. It's left me feeling rather insecure, and slightly terrified of the future.

For the first time in two and half years, I don't have a boyfriend. That is quite a big deal.

Festive Greeting

Yesterday was Solstice and I did find a little time to celebrate!! I got a birthday card from Debbie-Debs (she is never on time!!) which went :

Dear Signore Jason

I hereby and forthwith wish you greetings of the festive variety,

ENJOY!!

Love Debbie.

I told you. She is mad.

I went out to Bar Vasa, Gees and the Leas Club with Pete, Chris and Zoe. All were very busy. But they all lacked a certain something...

Saw Stephen Stanley, James Price and Scott (all from my primary school) in the Leas Club.

I'll Do Anything For a Mars Bar

Thursday was great. I did another buddy thing with John, I passed my test (100%), and we all moved to the computer training room and phoned each other up. Great fun. Becky and me spent much of lunch chatting, and Ben spent most of lunch time convincing her that if he "signed up" ten gay people he'd get a kettle. Loads of laughs when she actually believed him!!

I went out last night to Gees (band night, no Andy, Face to Face [really rubbish]) and the Leas Club (empty) with Chris, Zoe, Sean, Ellliot, John, Laura, and Pete. Not the best night, not the worst one either.

On the way home I bumped into a girl from work (she is 6'4") who accosted me (while drunk and good naturedly) for cigerettes, money and a quick shag. She got none. Her name was Rebecca and she spent Friday looking rather sheepish and apologetic!!

I was the only person from my team to go to work during the game (for £7.50 we could buy an hour and half "off"). So I was buddied up with Holly. She was lovely. One of our calls was a complaint (unfounded may I add) from a French man. Despite Holly being really nice to him he ended the call nastily with "And I am glad England lost!!" No need for that!! After the tears from some of Holly's team mates over the English defeat I rejoined my tardy group for another day of fun.

I had to wear a bright green top, get a new security card, and went to France. OK so to the Club Class Lounge which is technically on French soil.Oh and we all (minus Mat) went to the Leas Club for lunch. What Emily is to Ben, Becky is to me. We spent our time as we wandered round the terminal discussing cunning plans of avoiding afternoon lessons (all seemed to involve my untimely death/injury/embarassment). Then we discussed the perfect man, and then we kept phoning each other and attempting to book impossible combinations of shuttle. She is great and popular (she looks like Kylie). And Kat is a loon (in a really good way!!)

During our second break we were told Tom Cruise willl be filming at the terminal in two months!!! Me, Ben and the girls are well excited. Also Sarah (Lynn's boss) joined us for lunch. While looking at Ben's nice new phone she noticed his screen saver. A great, big cock. This was thus passed around the whole call centre much to me and Becky's amusement.

I will be dumping Stephen tomorrow. Becky promised me a Mars bar if I did. The deal is sealed.

Another Day At The Office

Last night I went to the cinema to see Spiderman with Pete, Zoe, Chris, and John. Chris and Zoe bought me Dreamcathers by Stephen King and Sarah bought me a Tops Of The Pops CD. Thank you guys. Pete being his usual self bought me a Fathers day card (with the words fathers scribbled out) and a lump of rock that has those purple crystals on it (I've got a piece already). Thanks Pete.

I didn't like the movie. I arrived for work at the same time as Ben and we had a discussion on the relative merits of Tobey (sic) Maguire in tight clothing. The morning was occupied with more learning plus my first test (General Knowledge Level 1). People don't realise that Eurotunnel call centre staff are supposed to know everything. Everyone except Mat (who goes home) went to lunch at Bar Vasa. On the way back in Fay's car I heard Emily and ben (who are getting to be very close) whispering. Enquiring as to what about, I was told they were discussing the fact that I never properly walk home with Ben (I am always a couple of hundred metres in front of him and he can't catch me up). So I apologised and promised to always walk home with him.

In the afternoon it was back on the phones with John. He always spends his time watching the Eurotunnel web cameras. We got a funny phone call about watching the football on Friday. After much searching we discover the Terminal wil have a giant TV screen putting the customer at ease (the sad football obsessed freak).

I did wait for Ben with Becky after work but he didn't show, which upset me a little more than it should. I mean in that I didn't get to walk home with him way, I wasn't annoyed that he didn't turn up. Intruiging.

Mum has gone away for two days so I am alone in this house with Tony and the kids. More incentive to enjoy work evenmore than I do now (and I love work!!!)